butterflies and hamsters

Last night while I was laying in bed, thinking about everything, I had a dreaded thought. Have I become one of those girls who doesn't know what she wants?! All summer I heard boy after boy (EFY counselors) complain to me about how they liked so and so (girl EFY counselors) but she just doesn't know what she wants. I always felt bad for them, because a girl who doesn't know what she wants is a girl who isn't going to give you what you want. And then I felt lucky that I was a girl who did know what she wanted, and I was dating him at the time.
Anyway, I had that thought. Maybe I've become that.
And then a memory surfaced.
I was back in freshman year, picking at my dinner with a sick feeling in my stomach. I kept replaying it over and over in my head. He held my hand he held my hand he held my hand. My stomach twisted. He was coming over again tonight! What should I do? Utter panic. My phone vibrated. Ah... Alex. He wants me to come upstairs. I glance around at my roommates, and then stand up from my stool and head to the door. "Where are you going?" asks Lyndsay. I tell her I'm just going upstairs to visit Alex for a little, but I'll be back. The thing is, I never came back. He was downstairs with my roommates watching American Idol, waiting for me, and I never had the guts to go back. I was sitting upstairs with Alex on the couch, talking about anything and everything, watching American Idol, playing with their illegal hamster, and completely ignoring my phone as it went off over and over again. That was rude of me. But I had that feeling of something new and exciting in my stomach now, and that was when I knew what I wanted.
And I realized as I had this memory, that I do know exactly what I want.

p.s. I need to take a break from my blog until Friday. Sorry, I'm just too addicted, and I have to write eight more essays.