unconditional, unoriginal

Sometimes I take pictures of my shoes. This is because I love them. (Forever 21). And also because I finally got on board with the whole "instagram" app. And I was interested to see what would happen to my amazing tan line on my feet if I edited it up a bit. Well... I'm liking it a lot. How about you?

 Continuing on with my lovely Instagrams... I got a jamba today and it was heavenly. I can't tell you what flavor it was though. Because it's a secret flavor. So you'll just have to guess! But. I get it EVERY TIME. Because it's deliciousness is almost more than I can handle. So, if you're lucky enough to know which one it is, I encourage you to treat yourself to one immediately.

And finally, to end this random post. You may have heard me talk about my best friend Haley. We have gone to school together since elementary. Only Haley doesn't remember me from way back when. (I do actually remember her...)  We've talked about it, and we had a ton of classes together. And it turns out we stood next to each other in a Chorus performance in like fifth grade. She's in the middle, I'm on the right with glasses. Funny how this world works, eh? We never knew we'd be roommates eventually...

p.s. is there such a thing as coincidence?

Songs That Make Me Smile #11

Yes. I am a Harry Potter nerd. And yes, this song gets me every time. Am I the only who gets that swooshing feeling in their stomach when they hear this? That feeling of wonder and excitement and mystery that just goes along with Harry Potter? As well as the memories that come from growing up with such a story. I can't get over it. As cheesy as it sounds, Harry Potter will always be a part of my life and my soul.

Here's to the end of my childhood!

p.s. i'm obsessed with playing Hanging with Friends lately on my iphone. Love it.

hopelessly

It was one of those spring nights in Logan. You know, the one where the air is warmer than it has been, so you want to be outside, but still slightly chilly. And you're fighting the shivers as if to say to the atmosphere, "I am not going to feel how you want me to feel."

So we're sitting on the steps of my porch. My roommates are inside, laying on their mattresses in the living room, laughing at the television.

It's kind of surreal, me, looking at the stars, and you, looking anywhere but me. I knew this was coming. For the past two weeks I've been trying to prevent it. By doing all the wrong things, apparently.

"My roommates love you," you say. 

But not you, I think.

"You're so great. So fun to be around."

Not fun enough, I think.

"You've been so nice to me these past two weeks. Nicer than I've been to you."

Yes. This is how it always ends. Me being too nice. Since when was that such a bad thing?

"And it's just, we're going separate ways. I'm staying here, and you're leaving and going off to EFY and such. And I just don't see myself driving down to see you. I'm going to stay here."

And I want to tell you that I hate this. Not the fact that you and I are ending. Just the fact that you don't think I'm worth driving for. You aren't excited enough to see me that it matters to you. That I've been so nice lately, you haven't had a chance to miss me. And I want to tell you that I'm not ok with it, that I'm sick of being the person in the relationship who actually cares enough to make an effort. And when will I ever find a boy who thinks I'm worth it?

But I don't say that.

"Ok," I say, "If that's what you want."

But the atmosphere collects my real thoughts. I'm not going to feel how you want me to feel.

p.s. harry potter in imax today? don't mind if i do.

right where you want me

I can feel it now, the pressure building in my head, pressing on the back of my eyes. I'm sitting on the couch, legs tucked up, phone pressed to my ear. My little brother watching The Brady Bunch in the background.
"I don't understand," I say quietly, trying to maintain control of my voice, "we were planning on doing something. You knew that."
"I just got distracted! I left my phone in the bathroom. I started watching a movie with my family, and I just forgot."
"You forgot about me," I can barely breathe from holding it in.
"No... I..."
"You knew we had plans, and you sat down to watch a movie. And you forgot."
"I'm so sorry. I'm really so sorry."
I can't say anything. My throat is frozen.
"We can do something tomorrow... right?"
I'm silent some more. I hate how I can't talk when this happens. Then finally I choke out, "Yes... fine. Tomorrow."
We say good-bye, and after I sit in the dark for a while longer. After the pressure subsides a bit, I head back in to my brother, and sit on the couch next to him. But when he asks me if I'm ok, I can't help but collapse, the pressure finally too much, embarrassing sobs expressing feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and helplessness. As he puts his arms around me in comfort, my sweet naive eleven year old brother, I whisper, "don't EVER treat a girl like this, ok?"
But if it's so wrong, why am I letting it happen to me?

p.s. finally starting to feel like summer.

for you i'd risk it all

Just because I was looking through pictures... Let's look at a little Madeline through the ages. (a.k.a. since senior year of high school.)

senior pictures... lovely.

at graduation with my friend Sarah? yes please.

and then I died my hair dark and went to college. 80's style.

time for a drastic change! only kidding, come on people, it's a wig...

and then the all-across bangs happened. meh.

apparently I needed a change for the summer.

and... back to dark.

and then it was short and sweet...

oh look! It's light again.

well... dark again...

and the current look.

So... yep. I hope you all enjoyed this timeline of hairstyles. I better go to sleep right. now. So good night all you party people.

p.s. what would we do without pictures? 

would you tell me who said that?

What happened next? You may be asking yourselves. Well, I'll let you in on the next summer love email. This email was sent after a summer of being apart, and together many times. Many phone calls, many nights playing in parks, gazing at the stars, running through sprinklers, and finding out more about each other. And then I headed back to school, and he went on a top secret mission across the world...

So here you go (and if you need to read the first one, click here):

Sunday, September 12, 2010  12:50 p.m.

Hey! :)

So, I was originally going to wait for YOU to email ME haha, but then I decided that if I were YOU, I would be excited to get to Poland, open my computer, check my email, and already have one from ME. If that makes sense... haha. Maybe you aren't excited. Oh well. I'm emailing you anyway.

I hope that the flight was nice, and not too long, and that you have a lot of fun in England... You're still going to be in England for a little bit right?

I went to my new ward today! It doesn't have the same feeling as the Farmington Hills Ward... but I think it will still be fun. The bishopric seems a little crazy, so that should be interesting. It was weird to have Relief Society and then Gospel Doctrine and THEN Sacrament... I kind of felt like I was in rewind haha. And it was also weird to not have Sacrament go for an hour and a half, and then have random people called up to bear their testimonies, and then the comedy show of announcements! But I guess it's back to real church now, huh? :) I wonder what my calling will be! How exciting!

Tonight I'll probably go to a fireside with Elder Scott speaking, which is great because I love firesides!

Anyway, I'm getting that anxious homework feeling, so I better go. But I just wanted to send you a quick email! I hope you are safe, and enjoying your European experience! It's weird not being able to talk to you on the phone haha. Miss you!

The girl who wishes she could get a 4.0 without actually doing any work, and wants you to come home now,

Madeline

p.s. I attached a song to this email. It doesn't really go with the playlist... I was going to send you a playlist song, but then I felt like I should send you a more Sunday appropriate one :)

Sunday, September 12, 2010  9:46 p.m.

Hola! I'm in Poland! I guess we skipped England! Thank you so much for the song, and your email. It DID make me happy to already have a letter from you when I opened up my email. That was a very considerate thing to do. It seems like it will be a very great mission out here. I am excited to work with these guys! 

Your new ward sounds great! You are going to have such a successful semester! I know that you don't want to work, but I think that you should! You are capable of getting a 4.0. I hope that you do your best, but also have tons of fun! 

Well, I'm excited to come home already. I just want to see you again! I like it when you're around. 

I am going to breakfast now. I haven't slept yet, but I'm sure that I will eventually. 


GOOD NIGHT! 

Sam

p.s. why do i get afraid to talk sometimes?

you hold my heart

We're sitting on the couch as usual, me with a pillow on my lap, looking up at you underneath my dark bangs which have gotten far too long. Curly hair, and a small smile, lots of laughter. My roommates always have to text me to tell us to be quiet. It's hard to remember it's late at night, when it feels like we could talk for hours. And we do. Quite often. A pause in the conversation, I'm watching my hand on the pillow, rubbing the fabric together like I've done since I was a baby. You ask me, "Is this ok?" and you put your hand on the pillow, next to mine. I don't understand, so I ask what you mean. And you grab my hand. Right there, on the pillow, you take it in yours. The butterflies are instant, and overwhelming, so I sit still, pondering our hands together. You tell me I didn't answer your question, and I play coy, asking you, "what question?". You roll your eyes and sigh like you always do, raise our hands up in the air and demand, "is THIS ok?"And I smile, because yes, it is very ok.

It has been a long day. All of us sit around the campfire, conversation erupts from each person in the version of stories, mostly funny, even if they are supposed to be scary. I'm pretty chilly, curled up in my camp chair next to yours, trying to keep myself warm. The fire is mesmerizing, but so are the stars. I've always had a thing for stars, and they're the best when you see them from the mountains. In the middle of someone's story, I look at you. With determination in your eyes, your hand suddenly ends up on my arm rest, fingers slightly curled as if beckoning me. I hesitate for a moment, unsure of what you want me to do exactly, and wondering if maybe I should pretend I didn't see this brave action. But then I tell myself not to worry, and I place my hand in yours. Our freezing cold hands in the open air for all the world to see. And I feel that excited, pit of your stomach, something new is happening feeling all over again.

We're walking down a slightly muddy path, and I'm thinking I probably shouldn't be wearing these shoes. But I'm happy to be walking next to you. Because frankly, I didn't think this was going to happen after the debacle of awkwardness a couple days ago. But we're chatting and gliding down the trail like the word awkward doesn't exist. Each sign we come to, we switch off reading, and we have to use a different accent. I think it's funny, so all of my accents sound the same, because I can't take it seriously. You're accents are magnificent and dramatic. Each story comes to life. Sometimes you put your arms around me from behind while I'm reading. But once, as I was contemplating jumping over a particularly muddy area, you grabbed my hand and helped me over. And then you left your hand in mine for a while, and I realized I didn't want you to let go.

I didn't think this would ever happen, to tell you the truth. Me, sitting on the couch next to you and feeling happy to be there. I couldn't believe it, that you would make me laugh so much, or that I would find you interesting enough to want this. And we're sitting there, with all your friends, about to watch a movie. It's that time where you aren't sure how close you should sit by each other, or where your limbs should go, or if you should even make eye contact. But you're pinching the back of my arm, teasing me with a "Kuki-do" move that we learned that night. And I'm twisting and turning, trying to get away, when suddenly, I'm closer than ever before, and your hand fits quite nicely into mine. It's surprising, but... very ok.

p.s. funny, how things happen.

a penny for my thoughts, no i'll sell them for a dollar

One of those days where you really don't want to get up and do what you have to do. I roll out of bed, gazing at my piles of clothes, books, shoes, and school supplies... all packed and ready to go. When I stand up, I feel a little lightheaded, just a product of this sickness that hit me a couple days ago. But I get dressed and ready for the day anyway. I finish packing up the last things in my bedroom, and start the trek in and out, putting things neatly into my car. Walking out into the sunshine with a pile of pillows in my arms, I can't help but think of the plans I originally had for this beautiful Thursday. I have an inkling to go back inside, because I forgot to get my keys, but then I feel prompted to stay. And coming down the stairs across the parking lot, I see someone I've been wanting to talk to. How perfect, I think, that I decided to stay outside for one more moment. So he stops, and we talk, and I can't help feeling better, but at the same time apprehensive. Because of course, we have to say good-bye. When we finally do, I stand there, balancing the pillows on my hip, watching him walk away. And then I smile, traipse back inside, and send a text message to take care of one last thing.

p.s. i still haven't finished unpacking.

la la la whatever

I was driving to my friend Sarah's house today, to make a wonderful treat, and the route brought back a stream of memories. As I passed by the dimly lit, empty tennis court, I remembered a summer night nearly a year ago, playing tennis on that very court. And standing outside in the dark by a car, talking a lot, because I didn't know how soon it would be over. And not knowing... never knowing, what was about to happen next.

And when I got home, I opened a folder in my email entitled "TOP SECRET". And I was thinking about sharing some of it with you all... because everyone loves a little summer romance!

May 26, 2010 at 11:18 p.m.

So... I wasn't going to email you this right away, but then I thought to myself, "I think Sam* really wanted this song... he acted like he didn't, but pretty sure he would be a little sad if he didn't have it asap. In fact, I think he would be pretty depressed. It is a good song after all. And he might want to listen to it while he travels to Provo and St. George and all the other places he happens to travel to." So, after thinking all of those thoughts to myself, I decided that I should actually send you the song. Let me know if it works or not!

Your Nauvoo Friend Who Is Giving You A Good Song And Hopes You Enjoy It A Lot,

Madeline

May 27, 2010 at 09:07 a.m.


Hey Madeline!!

My "Nauvoo Friend Who Is Giving Me A Good Song And Hopes I Enjoy It A Lot" is so wonderful! Thank you for sharing your entire thought process with me, too. Now I know exactly HOW you decided to send the song to me with such promptness. :) I'm listening to it right now.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for chilling with me yesterday, it was really fun, even though you beat me in foursquare. You also were faster on the first obstacle course. Maybe i need a rematch?

Cordially,

Your friend who gets excited when you're around,

Sam*


And while that may not seem like the most exciting exchange of emails... I promise you, it got better. Do you want to hear the story? I'm in a good mood, and feel like I could tell it. Gather closely, I don't want to have to use my loud voice... 


Just say the word, and the story is yours. Until then... I leave you with these unremarkable emails.


p.s. the treats we made were good.


*names have been changed for the normal reason.

how can i resist ya?

There are quite a few times in my life that I can remember clearly making a decision that changed its course. One of these moments was when I was a small child. Want to hear it? Of course you do!

So, as a child I was very sensitive to other people's feelings. Contention made me very uncomfortable, and anger usually resulted in tears. (Ok, so I am still exactly like that, so what?). I even felt very strongly for people in movies! If they were sad, I was sad. If there were embarrassed, I felt it for them. (This one is more under control... but still, sometimes I can't help but put myself in their shoes!) This became very apparent one day as I was watching The Goofy Movie. In the movie, Max is always annoyed and embarrassed of his father, Goofy. This makes Goofy very sad, because all he wants is for Max to love him and be his friend! After watching this movie and empathizing so strongly with Goofy's sadness, I made a promise to myself that I would never treat my parents that way. Ever. I wouldn't get embarrassed by them, and I wouldn't be mean to them.

And I never was.

Don't believe me? Well.. too bad for you.

me and Jenna Colvin. see p.s. for why this picture is relevant. 

p.s. i have a hair appointment on wednesday, and i am craving a change! what should i do to it? (see above picture for present hair)

the love and the laughter will live on long after

I look around at the walls, reading the words written there. I can't help but smile a little, and suddenly it strikes me that I have to preserve this. Preserve this moment and these memories. A record of my personal growth. And though my roommates laugh as I take picture after picture of every detail of the wall, I know they'll thank me later. The truth is, we couldn't have done this without each other. And every word we wrote down chronicles what we went through. I look around at my best friends, and set my camera on the arm rest of our little green arm chair. We each position ourselves in front of the wall, and on the count of three, we tear it down. A record of our journey falls to the ground in a heap of colorful construction paper, and the blank wall underneath becomes a metaphor of things to come.

A year later, I drag myself downstairs yet again to tear down a wall. This wall is bigger, full of many more thoughts and quotes. But it means a lot less to me for some reason. I feel detached as I take in the sight in front of me. White and blue, a symbol of what we have gone through again, and yet, I wasn't a part of it. Spending the whole year wishing I was in a different place, living a different life, I forgot to pay attention to what I had in front of me. And now it was all coming down in a heap of construction paper, reminding me of a happier time, and the new blank walls giving me hope of what is to come.

This year there is no paper to take down. The walls have been blank all year. And yet, as I pack my clothes into my suitcase and prepare to move home, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness. Each shirt I fold has a memory attached to the fabric. So many times I smiled, or laughed, or cried. It's all here in this room, snuggled into my bed, hung up in my closet, written in my journal, marked in my scriptures, thrown in my garbage can, placed on my dresser... all the things I will remember from this year. And it's a melancholy feeling, a bittersweet thing to clean up and look at my blank walls, and know that I have even more walls to decorate coming my way.

p.s. last night it was very hard to sleep because I was sick, and I kept coming in and out of dreams about all the bloggers that I admire... I guess I'm more obsessed than I thought.

so sentimental, not sentimental no

When I was twelve, I got a beautiful bracelet in an class auction at school. One of the popular girls had made it, and I thought it was the best ever. It had round pink beads, and I loved twirling it around my wrist. The first weekend I had it, I was at a cabin with a couple families. I was outside, twirling away, when all of a sudden the elastic broke, and the beads flew everywhere. Inside I was devastated, but when the other girls expressed their sadness about the bracelet breaking, I acted like it wasn't a big deal and continued on.

Just a bracelet, right?

It would be nice if no one could hide their emotions. I think the world would be a lot more honest, and there would be a lot less miscommunication.

p.s. last week of classes...

and so you sailed away

I stood there, blinking up at him, feeling my world crashing down around me, and finding it strange that it was all happening in my bedroom. One of those moments when you look at someone and it strikes you as very odd that this is really happening... this is real life.

Those words, telling me that it was over. My tears, an unintentionally clever disguise telling him that I was wounded. There was something sad about the moment, no doubt. Sadness came in the form of something being over. But even stronger came the relief. The relieved feeling that flooded through me, lifting a weight off my shoulders that I hadn't even noticed I had acquired over the last eight and a half months.

And I told him I was sad. I told him the truth. But I didn't tell him that it was wrong. Because we both knew it was long overdue. No questions, no regrets, no what-ifs... we had run the course.

We can still be friends, he said.
And I smiled, a sympathetic smile, and gently told him that being friends is really hard.
I was right.

p.s. why is writing so much more fun at 3 in the morning?

we can make this last

It's my birth week! And since this blog is all about ME ME ME (and occasionally Jenna Colvin) I'm going to take the time to talk even more about me me me.

Something I've noticed about birthdays is that they really change as you get older. I've always been the type of person to get way more excited about other people's days of birth than my own, but the past few years it's been... well.. even worse. I hardly think about my birthday until a few days before! And then it's a frantic dash to tell my parents about the two or three things I can think of for them to get me! (exibit A, exibit B)

I feel like this lame birthday attitude has just recently come during college. For many different reasons, I felt a little lackluster when it came to ages 19 and 20. Let's take a trip back... shall we?

On April 6, 2009, I was in a bad mood. It was my first birthday away from home, and I was not liking it one bit. I sat around in my room all day moping after class. My roommates felt really bad for me. They talked me into doing pilates in the living room. (random? I just remember that vividly.) And around 11:30, they told me that I actually needed to get dressed because we were going somewhere. They forced me to put my jacket on backwards with my hood over my face, and a blindfold over my eyes! And here's how the rest of the night went...

blindfolded Madeline

blindfolded Madeline feeling really awkward

blindfolded Madeline being led out to the car

We got pie. I was in a slightly better mood after that. (who is that boy?)

So that is how my 19th birthday ended. My roommates really surprised me, and we ended up having a great time! "Is Madeline's birthday over yet??" I miss those girls...

p.s. i'll tell you about 20 tomorrow

i'd go back and try to change it, but i can't

I go through the day thinking about it. Wondering when... checking every few minutes to make sure. Nothing. There is nothing. And as the disappointment settles in, I find myself considering what to do next. Maybe I'll just... I'll only say... and then I remember.

Sitting on the grass in the twilight of summer, the warm air caresses our bare arms and legs, and all I hear are crickets chirping. 

"I think it's usually my fault," he says, "I always end up taking them for granted."

My stomach squirms with that old familiar feeling and I look up at the faint appearing stars. "That is what happens to me. I get taken for granted."

And he nods in agreement, because we both know it is going to happen.

That day when I put my hand on the doorknob thinking he'll never break MY heart, was the day I vowed to never be taken for granted again. 

So I stop considering what to do, turn out the light, and fall asleep.

p.s. it's all an illusion, a trick.

back to basics

Last Monday I found myself driving to the library in the rain. I pulled into the parking lot, and walked carefully on the sidewalk, dodging puddles in my ballet flats. And when I walked inside, I was struck with the fact that I have changed.

When I was younger, reading was my life. I would go to the library with my mom and check out a stack of books that was usually half my size... no exaggeration. And then I would read them all in a week. And then I would be back for more books.

At first I blamed college. I thought to myself, "If it wasn't for all of these classes and homework and my job, I would have plenty of time to read." But the truth is... I've just been putting other things at a higher priority. Because obviously when I was reading, I wasn't having a social life. And I seem to have given up reading for friends and dates, and all sorts of other things.

But when I walked in that library I realized that all I wanted was a good book to curl up with. I perused the shelves, feeling shockingly out of my element, and finally settled on about six novels I felt like reading. It was weird walking out with a stack of books again.

And after giving it even more thought, I realized that the time I spend on this blasted computer is really time I would have spent reading books. And so I have made a decision. I'm cutting back computer time to make room for reading time. I'm focusing on letting myself enjoy things that I used to enjoy, and making time for relaxation. Because as nerdy as I sound... nothing sounds better to me than reading book after book right now.

p.s. practicum round 2 starts tomorrow... back to being busy!

don't get your hopes up, it wasn't true love

It was the first warm day for what seemed like years. I spent most of it with that crinkly feeling inside my stomach, and a nervous heart that kept me from listening to a word my professors had to say. When class was finally over, I hurried down the sidewalk to the bus stop as quickly as I could without looking foolish. Finally stopping near my apartment, I made my way to my apartment, bumping into people if they were too slow in front of me, and praying that my roommate was home so we could go shopping.
In the mall I immediately find the shirt that I want. But how do I know that it's the one? So we wander from store to store trying other things on. Nothing speaks to me like the yellow shirt in the store downstairs. And I know that I don't like wearing yellow because of what it does to my eyes... but this time it feels right. So I buy it.
Get home, take a shower, eat some tater tots (?), do make-up, put on favorite True Religion jeans, yellow shirt, white jacket, beaded necklace.
And when someone knocks on the door right on time, it's all I can do to not have a panic attack. I immediately run around the corner pretending that I wasn't near the door when he got there. My roommates answer the door, giggling and smiling, and not acting casual at all. Thanks, guys.
We leave the apartment, and I try not to be too awkward. Why would this be weird? We've known each other for months. We've held hands. We've talked until four in the morning.
Dinner is wonderful. We go somewhere I have never been, and I try something I don't usually get. Nerves fade away.
The movie he picked is perfect. Something he wouldn't normally watch, that's for sure, but he knows how badly I wanted to see it. And after it's over he says, "Is it bad to admit I actually did like that?" We smile.
On the drive we're chatting like normal, but my anxiety comes back when I hear the words, "Do you want to go for a walk?" coming out of his mouth. In a split second I consider all of my options, but in the end, I choose to say yes. It's not such a big deal... to go on a walk.
He pulls the car into the parking lot of First Dam, and we get out. It's got to be around ten at night, but I'm not even cold at all. I turn around to see where he is, and then we head down toward the water. We talk quietly, because it's dark, and for some reason at night when you're alone it doesn't seem right to disrupt the peace with loud noises.
Our walk consists of walking the short distance down the dock. Once we get to the end, we first lean against the railing and watch the stars. Speaking to each other as always, listening and laughing. Conversation was never a problem.
After a while it gets chillier, and he puts his arms around me to keep me warm. We stand like this for a long time, me with my head on his chest staring at the water. Him looking who knows where, with that baseball cap on his head that he always wore.
Our conversation never halts, but the nerves keep coming back every now and then. We both know why we're here, and I know he's not going to leave until his plan happens perfectly.
So, when I know it has been far too long, standing there on that dock, watching the water and the ducks and the headlights on the distant mountainside, I look up at him.
I look at him, he looks at me,
and then it happens.

March 3, 2009.

p.s. summer?
p.p.s. I would like to make a revision on this day, August 13, 2013 and say that it actually was true love, so take that.

a horse is not a home

just found some gems on my computer. yeeeaaaahhh family.

p.s. my fingers are really cold.

tell me, that we belong together

I am going to do something I never do... and copy someone else. My friend Stacia has this incredibly interesting, funny, and wonderful blog that I get insanely excited about reading. And today she wrote this post which correlates directly with this post. And I felt inspired to do the same thing. Thanks, Stacia.

We were sitting at your house, talking about life. You were explaining to me all of the things that you needed to do, and I was nodding along calmly. I laughed at something you said, and you started talking to me about the color code personalities. Red, Blue, Yellow, White. I'm a yellow/white, you told me. Then you said I would end up with a blue personality. You're a yellow/red. That's when I knew you were not the one.

When the only movies you would watch with me had to be dumb comedies, or boring action flicks, and they had to be made within the past year, I knew you were not the one.

When you took me on a date and we talked for a really long time, and I was thinking that you were a lot greater than I remembered you... I thought maybe we could have a good story. Then you called me by the wrong name. I knew you weren't the one.

When you got back together with your ex-girlfriend after I didn't kiss you on that mountain, I knew you weren't the one.

I thought you were really cool, but when we hung out I would always start sweating with awkwardness. It wasn't me who was being awkward. I knew you weren't the one.

I knew you weren't the one when I realized that if we were ever together, I would be the boy and you would be the girl based on the level of drama you cause and my total lack of caring.

And these are just some of the memories... but I got bored writing about them. As a disclaimer, all of these guys were amazing people. They just weren't the one.

p.s. last day with my first graders. kind of bittersweet.

safe inside the pages here

You voted. And here they are. My secret thoughts of childhood... *blush*

June 29, 1999
My sisters just won't obey me! Its horibale! today I went to a church meeting. and of course went to school but still being in school is hard. guss what there was a tharanchala in abbys room! I might write agen tomorrow. Guss what I'm going to get a kitten a the end of school I get out on July 2nd. tody in Poke'mon Ash capturd Charmandr. Charmander! Char!

June 30, 1999
I can't belive how Melina Acts! Shes a big brat as far as I'm concerned. Susie is to though shes worse than melina. Poor Kelsi she doesnt know who to like better Caitlin or Susie! Catlins nicer than Susie. Oh guss what todays ben a hard day. Nikki and me hate Melina she has to have her way. Oh, I forgot to tell you I like Poke'mon. Today it was the Squirtle Squad! Pecacheu got hert by goldine and Ash got Squirdle!

The next three entries are all about Poke'mon. They even include the Poke'mon theme song... or at least what I thought the song said at the time... Pretty sure I was wrong, because a lot of those words are made up.

July 3, 1999
Today I played with the Simmons. (Long Poke'mon description)

Sept. 20, 1999
Today we went to school. Our mom drove us, because it was Abigail's VIP day. And I had an eye appointment. I have to get glasses. They cost about $200. I had lots of fun today. Abigail is being a ball baby. See ya!

Mar. 10, 2000
Today I went to school. We had a Hawaiian day. We ate gross food. We made poi balls. Tonight Loren and I are having a sleepover. We just can't stop laughing. Well laugh laugh laugh.

May 26, 2000
Today is the worst day of my life. Its not because anyone teases me or anything. Well a lot of things happened let me explain I love fourth grade, and todays the last day. I love my teachers Mrs Thomas and Stevenson. Also my sisters are being mean they stole my gum. Well, wish me luck!


Sept. 25, 2000 *fake*
Today I am riding the train during the great Depresion. My daughters are very good girls. My husband Matt is off at sea. I hope he dose not have any harm done to him. I will be joining him in 13 days.


Nov. 23, 2001
I took a long time to write. I hate how in this diary it has such short pages. Yesterday was thanksgiving. You know what? I'm going to tell you my dreams. When I grow up I'm going to live in a mansion have a couple kids be presidant of the U.S.A. be a movie star and a famous astronomer. An astronomer is a person who studies stars. Today a man is coming to look at our house. On

And that was the end of that diary. Nerd Alert.

p.s. Digimon was WAY better than Pokemon hahahahaha