you. are. loved.

via

"See you guys later!" I called as I got out of the car.

I walked across the grass to my house, feeling oh, so tired.

Climbing up the stairs, I crossed my fingers that the door would be open.

And as I pressed down on the cold metal handle, I thought to myself that I felt sad.

I felt sad and I was ok with it, which is a rare thing in itself.

Usually I'll do anything to push that feeling away.

But I pressed the handle down, and for a moment, I let myself feel everything. Every little thing.

Things fall apart.

I read a book called that my senior year of high school.

I remember loving the book.

I don't remember the details of what it was about.

Anyway, it's true, isn't it? Things definitely do fall apart.

It happens suddenly sometimes.

Gradually, other times.

And usually I bounce back fairly quickly.

But I don't know what will happen this time.

Honestly, you guys, I cannot remember a time in my life that has been like this.

Where EVERYTHING is falling apart.

Nothing is going according to plan.

And I'm trying to keep a positive outlook, and I'm not doing a bad job.

I can see that things will work out in the future.

But right now...

Those thoughts.

Those creeping achy thoughts.

Why doesn't dating ever work out for me?

Why didn't my boss think I was good enough?

Why am I lacking so much motivation?

Why don't I like school right now?

What is going on??

And my tired heart, begs me to go to sleep and wake up in 15 years when everything is perfect (don't worry, I know it won't be).

To run away to another country.

To step right out of this life and into a new one.

But my pounding head says,

You can do it.

If you don't stick this through, you'll never see all the beautiful, wonderful, amazing things that lie ahead.

Don't give up.

p.s. sorry i've been a boring blogger lately... obviously a lot has been going on. but i have returned :)

can i ask you a question?

Let's get real here, everyone. I don't just spend all my time with my best buddies, eating treats, singing songs, and playing pogs. I don't spend all my time at school. (quite the opposite... My classes are done in the morning, and then I'm left to my own devices.) The rest of my time, is often taken up by a funny little thing we call...

DATING.

But that's as far as I can take you into my dating life, I'm afraid. That's what happens when boys read your blog. Wouldn't want to spill all my feelings on the internet in front of them... ya know what I'm saying?? huh? huh? *elbow nudge*

Anyway, I feel like this is a large part of my life that I can't exactly share with all of you, but I would like to! Because it's the most fun to talk about. Don't pretend you don't agree. I know you think it's the best.

So I'll take you into the past.

Last year, I let a boy take me on a date. When he called, he said that we would be going to The Spaghetti Factory in Salt Lake, at Trolley Square. I had never been there, so I thought that was pretty cool. And I'm all for Italian food. Who isn't? But then he also said that we were going to go ice skating afterward. Ice skating. Something you should know is that, ice skating strikes a small fire of fear into my heart. Here's the thing, guys. I'm the most uncoordinated person ever. So the farthest I've ever gotten with ice skating is skating around the rink in a circle, 1.5 feet from the wall. And you know, fast for me is like outrunning the four year old who is basically doing triple axels... I digress. Anyway, I said yes. Went along on the group date to the Spaghetti Factory. Which was super delicious. And then wandered out, dragging my feet to the outdoor ice rink. Where of course, I stumbled and fumbled all over the ice, claiming that I needed to "warm up", while my date flew around the rink at the speed of light, spinning in circles and lifting small children in the air. In the end, I found another girl who, while still better than me, claimed she wasn't having much fun skating. We quickly exited the rink and sat by the fire for the remainder. My date was putting on an olympic worthy show by then, and hardly noticed I had gone, since the crowd was cheering loudly and singing Journey songs.

Feel free to watch this youtube video. You only have to watch the beginning to understand what I look like while skating. (I never fall down because I'm too slow...)

Needless to say, I promised myself I wouldn't go out with him again.

p.s. you know what's kind of fun? Zumba.

changing pace

It's been a long time since I was sick. And I'm not even THAT sick... just my head feels like it's full of stuff, and my body is tired. Wait, maybe that's the nyquil kicking in. I'm about to go to bed early for the first time in months. It's a lovely feeling. Tomorrow I move back to Logan for my third Spring Semester. This is it, people. Spring semester has always been a time of change for me. My freshman year I had my first boyfriend, first kiss, first breakup, first terrible sunburn of death... My sophomore year I changed my major, went to Las Vegas, got a free taco, and got out of a bad relationship... So far besides the sunburn, everything has been good! Spring semester is hard. It's snowy. It's gross. But it's also fun because it's a time to start over. Clean slate. I like to wonder what I am going to decide to do this time around. Will I ace all my classes this time? Will I do something adventurous? Will I make new friends? Will I decide to stop being a scardy-cat and date someone already? Will I ever be as cool as the little girl on True Grit??
I guess anything can happen...
The suspense is killing me!

p.s. i keep forgetting it's january

figured out

I want to be friends with the person I date, not become friends with someone I'm dating.

(Is that too much to ask?)

p.s. one more week of freedom...

hearts and sleeves

twisting turning scrunching crunching tightly coiled in little knots
holding on so hard to something
anything
calm and peaceful quiet awaits
but first
to pluck swipe dab shine brush fluff and spray
conversation hardly halting
two hearts beating never stopping
thought provoking lives could change
what to think what to say
snow coated roads and the glistening trees
remind me of my fear
settle softly into comfort
or slide slipping always to the left
in an effort to find
what?


p.s. lumpy space princess (carli)

You jump, I jump, Jack

It's 12:33 at night. After a wonderful day. And I'm sitting next to my phone, smiling and thinking

... This could be the start of something new.

p.s. I'm loving the smell of antique books.

ONE HUNDRED

You voted, I deliver. In the end, "funny date stories" won the 100th post poll, and I have to say I'm not exactly thrilled. I mean, how boring. You can totally ask me about that in person, and I will be the first to tell you, I don't have many funny date stories. All of my dates have been with real gentlemen who treat me right and are kind and funny. But we all know that even the boys with the best intentions have little mishaps now and then, so I'm going to spill some stories. However, just to make this interesting, one of the stories is going to be a fake. You'll just have to decide which one! Are you excited?! So excited!? Can you even wait to hear what the stories are?!?! Are you falling off your chair rocking back and forth biting your fingernails and practically crying because you want to hear my funny date stories?!?! Ohmygosh! Me too!!! Let's get this party started.

Story #1: I was dating this boy who had it all. Just graduated from BYU, amazing job, new car, purchasing a house, and besides all that he was just an all around great guy. I never knew him to say a bad thing about anyone, he was ridiculously positive all the time. I was ok with this, because I'm a pretty positive person myself, so we had a good time together finding the best out of everything. One day during the summer, he asked me if I wanted to go shopping with him, because he needed some new shirts for work. I said yes, of course, because I like shopping, and I like the boy. Win win situation. So anyway, he gets to my house and walks me to his car. I'm just balancing on the curb next to the storm drain as he opens the door for me. He reaches down to the passenger seat and picks up his drivers license, credit card, and keys which just happened to be laying there. He's talking to me, and when he moves his arm to motion me in, his drivers license slips out of his hand and falls down down down into the storm drain. We stopped talking and both just stared down into the - mercifully dry - drain. He looked up at me with such a concerned face, I had a hard time not laughing. We spent the next 45 minutes using a stick and some tape getting it out. I thought it was a good test of patience on our parts.

Story #2: I happened to be dating this boy who I thought was a total cutie. It was a long distance relationship, so I really relied on our weekends together. We liked to plan little dates for each other, and each of us tried to outdo the other in creativity. Well, one weekend he told me he had something really great planned that was something neither of us had ever done, and I needed to dress nicely for it. I was really excited! I borrowed some of my stylish Aunt's dress clothes, because I didn't have anything fancy. Then he came and picked me up. We went to Five Guys for dinner, and that is always good, but not when you're in heels and a silk shirt... but I digress. Anyway, we ended up going to the opera. It was Macbeth. My boyfriend hated it. HATED it. He suggested we walk out during the middle of the performance, which I told him definitely not, because that would be so totally rude. Then he got mad at me when I jokingly threw a gum wrapper into the audience.

Story #3: I was set up on a blind date, not uncommon, people love setting me up. I had heard a lot about the kid, and I was pretty excited to meet him because he sounded really cool. I spent a lot of time picking out my outfit and feeling frustrated with my hair. When he finally came to pick me up, I was pretty impressed! He was really cool and collected. We got in the car and drove to dinner. Everything was going really well... until he called me by the wrong name. He kept calling me Natalie! Now here's the thing. I think I have a problem pronouncing my name, because everyone always thinks I say Natalie. But I didn't remember ever having to tell this kid my name. I felt way too embarrassed and awkward to correct him, so I kept letting him call me that! It was really distracting, and I couldn't concentrate on anything he said. I think he started thinking something was wrong with me, because he got me home by 9:30 and gave me a handshake.

So there you have it! My funny date stories. Which one is the wrong one? Leave a comment telling me what you think, and in my next P.S. I'll tell you the answer. Happy ONE HUNDRED!

p.s. Dentist in the morning. Yuck.

butterflies and hamsters

Last night while I was laying in bed, thinking about everything, I had a dreaded thought. Have I become one of those girls who doesn't know what she wants?! All summer I heard boy after boy (EFY counselors) complain to me about how they liked so and so (girl EFY counselors) but she just doesn't know what she wants. I always felt bad for them, because a girl who doesn't know what she wants is a girl who isn't going to give you what you want. And then I felt lucky that I was a girl who did know what she wanted, and I was dating him at the time.
Anyway, I had that thought. Maybe I've become that.
And then a memory surfaced.
I was back in freshman year, picking at my dinner with a sick feeling in my stomach. I kept replaying it over and over in my head. He held my hand he held my hand he held my hand. My stomach twisted. He was coming over again tonight! What should I do? Utter panic. My phone vibrated. Ah... Alex. He wants me to come upstairs. I glance around at my roommates, and then stand up from my stool and head to the door. "Where are you going?" asks Lyndsay. I tell her I'm just going upstairs to visit Alex for a little, but I'll be back. The thing is, I never came back. He was downstairs with my roommates watching American Idol, waiting for me, and I never had the guts to go back. I was sitting upstairs with Alex on the couch, talking about anything and everything, watching American Idol, playing with their illegal hamster, and completely ignoring my phone as it went off over and over again. That was rude of me. But I had that feeling of something new and exciting in my stomach now, and that was when I knew what I wanted.
And I realized as I had this memory, that I do know exactly what I want.

p.s. I need to take a break from my blog until Friday. Sorry, I'm just too addicted, and I have to write eight more essays.

justice will be served

You know, I'm probably one of the luckier people out there. (Hopefully saying that doesn't jinx me...). This past summer, when I was at EFY, I remember just feeling so happy I was about to explode! Pondering on that one day, while I sat on the chilly cement watching my kids study scriptures, I suddenly became afraid. It's not fair that I could have so much happiness. What did I do to ever deserve feeling this good all the time? Something bad will probably happen to me soon to make up for it.
Nothing bad is happening to me. I get stressed out, sure. I have like 10 papers to write that I've been procrastinating over the whole semester. So what? Who cares? I'll write them, and then it will be Christmas vacation. That's nothing to throw a fit about. I have to pay for next semester. So what? Who cares? I'll pay for it, and eventually be able to buy myself some food. I feel like I have nothing to wear. So what? Who cares? I have a billion things in my closet that are perfectly fine.
Is it SO WRONG that I happen to think my biggest trial is how I am going on way too many dates and meeting way too many cute, nice, spiritual, great boys who would love to take me out again and again? And for some reason I can't get it in my head to fall for ANY of them?
Just kidding. 
Or am I?

p.s. I'm kicking myself for not inventing better things to write about in my 100th post. I can think of at least five more things that would have made that poll more interesting. Of course you would all choose my thoughts on boys. so predictable.

how do you know?

I hate to admit that the thought is always there.

Maybe that's the reason I'm going there today...

Maybe when I walk to class today it will happen...

What if the reason I forgot this and had to take extra time is because...

Maybe if I sit right here...

Perhaps if I walk down this aisle...

Suppose I take this path...

What if I do my hair like this, and wear this shirt, and put on these boots, and walk out the door, and slip on the ice, and catch myself semi-gracefully, and walk through the parking lot, and up the stairs, and down the sidewalk, and across the street, and on to campus, the whole time smiling and nodding at people, and then almost get run over by a bike rider, and then dodge a puddle, and then text someone, and then walk into a building, and then what if something really unexpected happens?

Seems unlikely to me. 

p.s. I need more color in my wardrobe.

Free Fallin'

It's interesting, knowing that a whole new segment of my life is beginning. Going to new classes, talking to new people, walking around campus, going to activities, getting phone calls from people back home, getting asked on dates, laying on my couch reading and looking out the window, and thinking... this will be my life for the next year. This isn't a one week at a time thing like the rest of my summer. My life is a little more permanent now. A little more binding. The thing about new experiences is, how they turn out depends entirely on yourself. I can choose to find freedom in my life in Logan, or I can choose to feel trapped. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be homesick. I can choose to make friends, watch movies, go to dances, sing songs, eat tacos, look pretty, and smile like nothing will ever get me down.

And as I look out my window and see a few leaves changing colors... I know I have made my choice.

p.s. I support Utah State Football, win or lose they are MY team.