Thursday, May 26, 2011

right where you want me

I can feel it now, the pressure building in my head, pressing on the back of my eyes. I'm sitting on the couch, legs tucked up, phone pressed to my ear. My little brother watching The Brady Bunch in the background.
"I don't understand," I say quietly, trying to maintain control of my voice, "we were planning on doing something. You knew that."
"I just got distracted! I left my phone in the bathroom. I started watching a movie with my family, and I just forgot."
"You forgot about me," I can barely breathe from holding it in.
"No... I..."
"You knew we had plans, and you sat down to watch a movie. And you forgot."
"I'm so sorry. I'm really so sorry."
I can't say anything. My throat is frozen.
"We can do something tomorrow... right?"
I'm silent some more. I hate how I can't talk when this happens. Then finally I choke out, "Yes... fine. Tomorrow."
We say good-bye, and after I sit in the dark for a while longer. After the pressure subsides a bit, I head back in to my brother, and sit on the couch next to him. But when he asks me if I'm ok, I can't help but collapse, the pressure finally too much, embarrassing sobs expressing feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and helplessness. As he puts his arms around me in comfort, my sweet naive eleven year old brother, I whisper, "don't EVER treat a girl like this, ok?"
But if it's so wrong, why am I letting it happen to me?

p.s. finally starting to feel like summer.

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