modern thought will get the best of you

So, I have this fear.

It may seem silly to all you people out there, but to me, it is very incapacitating!

To think what I could accomplish if I could just overcome this fear! My life would be changed! My confidence would be boosted! My haircut would look more expensive!

One time, I was on a date. It was the kind of date that all the boys wish they would think of, and all the girls wish they could go on. The majority of the date was spent learning a form of Tai Kwon Do, taught to us by a hired professional. At the end of the lesson, the teachers (or should I say Sensei's?) brought out a stack of wooden boards and told us that we all had the capacity to break one in half. I was confident that what they said was true. I had a burning desire to go up there and smash a board with my bare hand. Several people walked up, excitement shining in their faces, my date included. He kept telling me to get up there, even trying to raise my arm for me! I wanted to get up so badly... but I was overcome by my fear, and remained rooted to the carpet. And soon all the boards were broken, and I can only say that I chickened out of doing it.

All because of my fear of raising my hand.

It really is terrible. I want to speak up all the time, or volunteer to do something, or add to a lesson... but I get this crushing feeling that I can't move any of my limbs. My arm remains pinned to my body. And then I am full of regret for not doing anything.

Today I raised my hand in class. I gave my input. My face may have turned bright red, and I might have started sweating, and maybe I was very awkward and shaky... but I raised my hand right up!

One small step for Madeline... one giant leap for uhhh... nevermind, I can't make up my own quote.

p.s. i'm ready for the weekend.

fight or flight

My fingers and toes clench tightly on the steps of the ladder. Up up up I go to the very top. I grasp the cold metal hand rails as hard as I can. Pull myself all the way up. There I am standing, higher than everyone else. My eyes record the people splashing, my ears tune into the children screaming and laughing. I take a step. The board is rough against my feet, and damp from the other kids braver than me who have done this a thousand times. I hold out my arms for balance, and quickly walk to the end of the board. I just want to get it over with before the fear takes over and I scramble back down. My stomach clenches as I look down into the darkness. What is there to be afraid of? Everyone else does this. Everyone else can even do cool tricks while they do it. My toes curl over the edge as I realize that there is a line of people behind me. I still have time to turn around. Someone else can go instead of me. The options and consequences tumble around in my head. My fingers clench and unclench. Water drips from my hair. A breeze blows goosebumps onto my legs and arms. Someone yells my name. So I choose to jump.

p.s. sometimes I just want to sing!

Wait... Left or Right?!?!

In four days I leave to Provo. I have EFY Counselor Training all day on Saturday. My first session starts next Monday.

I'm so excited.

I'm also really scared.

Do you want to know why I am scared?

I'm not afraid of teaching the gospel.

I'm not afraid of meeting the kids.

I'm not afraid of making friends.

I'm not afraid of no sleep.

I'm afraid I won't be able to find my way to the right place when I drive there on Saturday.

Driving makes me really anxious sometimes... I hate driving when I don't know where I am going! I don't want to be late! I also don't want to be early!

I don't want to get all sweaty and hot because I'm looking around and the street signs are all of a sudden written in Provo language and nothing is making sense and I keep turning around over and over again and my mapquest is telling me to make a u-turn!

So... hopefully I make it :)