you don't know

What is my story? Here I sit on my bed, with my computer, answering frequent text messages, and pondering what to do next. And I have that certain thought. What is my story? I've come 21 years to this spot, right here. What have I done? Am I who I wanted to be? Looking back on my life, I can see a lot of untapped potential. Moment that I should have expanded on - tried to make them greater. Instead I sat back and smiled at the moment, but then waved it away and continued walking on. And here I sit, a body of undeveloped talents, dream, and wishes. 

But that's a bleak outlook, isn't it? That isn't my story. My story is about a person who made it this far with a smile on her face. A person who, when she knows what she wants, does everything in her power to get it. A person who knows what her strengths are, even if she's afraid to admit to them. It's about a girl who has goals, has talents, has happiness. It's about a girl who always chose friends wisely and loved her family. A girl who realized she should be a teacher, because she couldn't live life feeling that she wasn't making a difference in the world. A girl who chose to be an EFY counselor because she had something important to share. It's about a girl who grew up with standards and stuck to them. Who learned how to find love, share love, be loved, give love, and when it's ok to give up on love. It's about a girl who tries every day to be a better person.

So, when I look back on my life, and see the things I should have done but didn't, I really need to remember the things I have done that were good. My life is good. Oh, so good.

My story is about me. And it isn't over quite yet.

p.s. life without efy. hard.

love comes back

Since it's been a while, here's an excerpt from my letter to my lovely friend Jenna Colvin.

Today I sang. I sang in front of the whole 400+ kids at EFY and the counselors too. I sang my heart out. I smiled. I forgot about being afraid. And it was oh, so good.

And just a reminder that, you know, I am somebody. I have potential to be great. And I’m just wasting my talents if I don’t get up there and sing… and from the scriptures we can see that wasting your talents is definitely frowned upon. So here goes trying to be so much better. I’m just filled with desire to be extraordinary!! So now, I should write down some goals I suppose. Make it happen. 

I love EFY a lot. A lot a lot. I feel like sometimes I get more out of it than the kids do. And basically this week I was just filled with the desire to be better! Starting with volunteering myself to sing in front of everyone and face my fear and listening to a great lesson on goal setting, and ending with being the best DJ at the Friday dance that anyone could have imagined. (ha ha... but really!) I tried to do the best I could, even though I felt shockingly inadequate to be a BC. And I think I learned a lot about myself this week. I have a lot that I can work on, but that doesn't mean I'm not doing my best right now. Who knew I could step up and be a leader? Here's to untapped potential...

p.s. my DJ rapper name is shor-t rose. don't forget it.

for you i'd risk it all

Just because I was looking through pictures... Let's look at a little Madeline through the ages. (a.k.a. since senior year of high school.)

senior pictures... lovely.

at graduation with my friend Sarah? yes please.

and then I died my hair dark and went to college. 80's style.

time for a drastic change! only kidding, come on people, it's a wig...

and then the all-across bangs happened. meh.

apparently I needed a change for the summer.

and... back to dark.

and then it was short and sweet...

oh look! It's light again.

well... dark again...

and the current look.

So... yep. I hope you all enjoyed this timeline of hairstyles. I better go to sleep right. now. So good night all you party people.

p.s. what would we do without pictures? 

here's my heart

I'm afraid of my own potential.

So many times I shrug things off, telling myself I'm average. I'm just an average person who gets average grades, has average looks, no real talents, etc.

I worry about not being creative enough, funny enough, courageous enough, smart enough, caring enough... so I just tell myself that I'm not. 

I'm not anything special, just an average girl.

But here's the thing... I'm pretty sure I'm not average. I am brave enough, smart enough, happy enough, caring enough. I am talented, I am pretty, I am kind.

And I think if I stop telling myself I'm average, I'll finally be able to admit that I'm extraordinary.

We all have the potential to be extraordinary, and I'm going to start trying to live up to it. How about you?

p.s. i can't stop thinking about what fun things are going to happen this summer!!

you asked for it... 200

Well, this is my 200th post, and I can't believe you are all still reading my random thoughts. It turns out "ten relatively unknown facts about Madeline, please!" won by one vote! Thank goodness, because I was getting really nervous about not being cryptic for one month. I mean, I'm not even that cryptic... so how was I supposed to change it up? ha ha. Anyway, without further ado, here are ten relatively unknown facts about yours truly. Just ten steps closer to understanding the real me...

1. I used to sing in the shower. Loudly. Then my family commented on it, and I was embarrassed into silence.

2. I don't like drawing attention to myself.

3. I'm not very good at picking up hints... if you want something from me, you'd better be clear about it.

4. I sucked my thumb until well into elementary school. One day I decided to stop, so I slept with my hand under my pillow. I can't sleep without my hand under my pillow now.

5. I was really shy growing up. One day in high school I realized I wasn't having any fun, so I started talking.

6. One of my most favorite books is Ella Enchanted.

7. At the beginning of each school year, I make a calendar in my notebook counting down how many days are left.

8. My Jr. high teachers predicted I would fail out of math in high school. I actually got all A's.

9. I never win anything. My proudest moment was winning first place at the district level in the science fair in fourth grade. Then one time I caught a T-shirt at a school event... that was cool too.

10. I had this best friend named Jill... and we wrote a spoof of Harry Potter. I have all five scripts in my drawer at home. And they still make me laugh out loud.

p.s. i think everything will work out just fine with my schooling :) Thank goodness for great advisors!

melancholy soundtrack to her smile

Why is it that my biggest battle with myself is always to be brave?

Bravery.

I want it so badly, but my mind takes over with a wall of protection.

Don't be brave, Madeline. It just makes it easier to get hurt. The moment you put yourself out there, you make yourself vulnerable. Don't say that, what if they don't feel the same? Don't do that, what if they think you're weird? Don't raise your hand, don't sing, don't write about how you really feel, don't ask questions, don't act anything but happy. If you don't take risks you'll be fine! Life will stay exactly like it is! 

Comfortable!

And I back down, because my mind is right. I'll be fine.

But is fine good enough?

So many times I backed down, stood back, listening but never talking... Do you have any questions? Yes. Yes, I have questions. I can't ask them. I'm afraid of the answer.

Bravery.

Why is it that my biggest battle with myself is always to be brave?

p.s. i need to be asleep. right now.

Songs That Make Me Smile #9

I just really love this song. I woke up to my roommate playing it over and over in the next room. And I didn't care. The words are so beautiful, and I think it's just as applicable in my life to friends as it is to lovers (ha ha), so I hereby dedicate this month's Song That Makes Me Smile to all of you. Thanks for reading.

p.s. happy april fool's day.

modern thought will get the best of you

So, I have this fear.

It may seem silly to all you people out there, but to me, it is very incapacitating!

To think what I could accomplish if I could just overcome this fear! My life would be changed! My confidence would be boosted! My haircut would look more expensive!

One time, I was on a date. It was the kind of date that all the boys wish they would think of, and all the girls wish they could go on. The majority of the date was spent learning a form of Tai Kwon Do, taught to us by a hired professional. At the end of the lesson, the teachers (or should I say Sensei's?) brought out a stack of wooden boards and told us that we all had the capacity to break one in half. I was confident that what they said was true. I had a burning desire to go up there and smash a board with my bare hand. Several people walked up, excitement shining in their faces, my date included. He kept telling me to get up there, even trying to raise my arm for me! I wanted to get up so badly... but I was overcome by my fear, and remained rooted to the carpet. And soon all the boards were broken, and I can only say that I chickened out of doing it.

All because of my fear of raising my hand.

It really is terrible. I want to speak up all the time, or volunteer to do something, or add to a lesson... but I get this crushing feeling that I can't move any of my limbs. My arm remains pinned to my body. And then I am full of regret for not doing anything.

Today I raised my hand in class. I gave my input. My face may have turned bright red, and I might have started sweating, and maybe I was very awkward and shaky... but I raised my hand right up!

One small step for Madeline... one giant leap for uhhh... nevermind, I can't make up my own quote.

p.s. i'm ready for the weekend.

you don't know how lovely you are

It's getting to that stage of the year where I stop wearing a coat... just to rebel against the weather. My mom has a book about feelings related to body pain, apparently the reason my leg hurts is because I have repressed feelings of resentment. I love love. I looked at a picture of you and I realized I don't even know you anymore. I'm anxiously waiting for a charm to come in the mail. I'll be looking for a secret assignment tomorrow. Olive oil successfully cured my dry skin. I can't even imagine feeling that way. How did we get to this point? I wish I could remind you that you are good enough. Sometimes I just want to fix the world's problems. I love the sound of rain falling on the sidewalk. I was listening to Taylor Swift's "Back to December" and all of a sudden I had a shooting pain down my back. My mom's book told me that was because of feelings of regret toward someone... I think I was channeling Taylor Swift's feelings. I can't believe it's almost my birthday. I can't help but think of who I was last year at this time. Thank goodness for second chances. My six year old cousin asked me what I was like when I was her age. I said I was shorter. Sometimes I feel like this song. I got new shoes. Who am I becoming? Spring has always meant change to me. I'm not afraid of change. What does it mean to be me? What do others see when they see me? I thought I knew what that word meant, but now I'm not sure. What word? 

stop, feelings, resentment, love, anxiously,secret,

imagine, how, enough, rain, regret, believe, 

chances, becoming, change, ME?

p.s. i feel like a pedicure.

i'm not in it to win it

Random Thoughts Recently 

(because I know you're DYING to hear them)

1. So, I was thinking. Most people say that they have the best. The best mom, the best dad, the best overall family. (as if it was a contest... what? because I would win.) We usually get overly defensive (see previous sentence in parentheses...ha) and start verbal wars about what our particular family does that makes them better than every other. And I thought to myself as I was thinking this, isn't that a GREAT, AMAZING thing?? How lucky are so many of us to think that we have the best? There's a whole ton of us crazy people walking around, defending our families honorary bestness, and that is awesome. That means that there are tons of great people out there showing love to their family. That gives me a little hope for humanity.

2. I had a thought that I don't spend a lot of time studying. I get all of my homework done, and review a little before tests... but studying? What is that supposed to mean, anyway? I'm pretty sure I missed the lesson on how to study successfully. I take a quick glance at my notes before tests and snag decent grades. Usually above average. So I just wondered... what if I DID know how to study? I would probably be a genius.

3. I pondered the fact that I should give seminars on writing papers. Cocky? Yes. There is one talent I will for sure brag about. And that is writing papers. Sure... it's a boring one. But I'll bet all you college students who have papers due are wishing they were me right now. Case in Point: I wrote ten papers in a week last semester, each one in 30-45 minutes. And I still had time to hang out and go on dates. And I got a pretty decent grade. Need tips? Give me a call.

4. I think I would hate to rule the world. There would be so many people complaining to me all day. And it's a well known fact that well known people are not always well liked. And it's not like I'm all for being the most popular girl in school (elementary school dream? yes. but you can't help it if you're at the bottom of the food chain... if you know what I mean. *elbow nudge*) but I definitely would appreciate it if people didn't hate me for ruling the world, ya know? It would be stressful.

5. Ok, maybe this isn't a thought, but I'll share it anyway. I had two tests on Monday (see Monday's post) and they were both in the same classroom. One was at 2:30, and the other at 4:30. So, in true Madeline fashion, I finish the first test in 20 minutes. Hmm... Not even 3:00 yet. I find a comfy seat in the lobby of the building and ponder my cell phone. (WHY is no one texting me? Don't they KNOW I'm bored right now? Ugh. Friends these days.) After about an hour of trying not to look like a loser (the other people are in study groups for the next test... uh... did I not get the memo?? Not like I want to study with you people anyway.) I decide to go get a drink. From the vending machine. Which I NEVER do. EVER. I meander on in and peruse the drinks. ($1.25? That's preposterous. At least I have cash for once... might as well spend it!! Yeah!! Money!!! WOOO!!!! ok.) I decide on Sprite. Because I'm boring like that. I jam the money in, and press D7, The anticipation making my hands sweat a little. (exaggeration!!) The little machine's arm reaches up and then stops, suddenly grabbing... a... SQUIRT??! That isn't what I asked for! A million scenarios fly through my head, including trying to sell the Squirt for more money to buy a Sprite, and trying to hand the drink back to the machine... it will take it, right?? So there I am, with a chilly Squirt in my sweaty palm (jk. no sweat.) Do people even drink Squirt? What is this stuff? Is it caffeinated? I squint at the machine, trying to laser it into dust with my eyes. And that's when I realize... Sprite is B7.

So I drink the Squirt.

p.s. yeah... i'm procrastinating homework right now.

threw it on the ground

Some things about me:

I click "maybe" on all facebook invites.
I like arranging things in alphabetical/rainbow order.
I get obsessed with beautiful things.
I enjoy reading a little too much.
Right now I feel like something is on my nose. There isn't anything.

So there you go.

p.s. I'm going to get a 4.0 this semester. yessssss.

would you take a walk with me?

Sometimes I wonder what on earth I could do to make my life more interesting. When people ask me what I like to do, they are always faced with my blank stare and my awkward, "umm... uhh... I don't really know the answer to that question..." And it's like, you don't know? You seriously don't know what YOU like to do. It's the easiest question on the planet! Ha. I need a hobby. Badly. All I can say right now is I go to school and work and sleep. And it's not that I like to do those things... ok, well, I like to sleep. But really, what would you say to someone if they said, "I like to sleep!" Not much for conversation unless you get into dreams I guess, and even then I can only remember about four dreams from my lifetime. So what? Am I just uninteresting? I must be boring. I must be one of those people who drifts from place to place with no clear purpose. I must have no drive and motivation. I must be forgetting something about being human! And when I think of the question "What do you like to do?" I think of the question, "What would you like to do?" And that opens whole new doors. Because what I would like to do SHOULD be the answer to what I like to do. So why am I not doing it? Simple. I lack time and money. Oh the woes of a college student. These are the years I should be building my life, discovering myself, and finding joy in the journey! So why does school feel so obligatory? If school is what I am doing, why don't I like it more? I should love it. I should be obsessed. It should be my passion. Except that's the most boring thing I've ever thought of in my life. If I could be doing anything right now I would be traveling the world. I would be teaching children English, sleeping in fancy hotels, dining at outdoor restaurants, backpacking in the mountains, meeting fascinating people, roasting marshmallows on the beach, walking everywhere, gazing at city lights, and buying amazing clothes. What would I like to do?  

I would like to be free.

p.s. last chance to change your answer from embarrassing journal entries to something else... anything else... ha ha.

predictably

Tonight I watched Thoroughly Modern Millie with my family. It was very funny and lighthearted. Then I decided that I probably shouldn't drive to Logan tonight. I'll just go in the morning.

This may seem weird to most people. 

It is very normal for me.

p.s. i want a pedicure

a case of bad driving

Today I walked into my EFY Counselor Interview an hour late. Do you want to know how this happened? Silly readers, you should know me well enough by now to know you won't get the details. It involved leaving on time, being blinded by the sun, and getting stuck in traffic. That's all I'm telling you. I played through twenty levels of Unblock Me on my new iTouch before the eight, that's right, EIGHT, interviewers exited the room. I marched right up to them and explained my situation. They smiled sympathetically and two of them took me into a room for my own private interview. It was good, I was enthusiastic, and they asked questions. They asked me to share a scripture I thought the youth should know, and teach them why it was important. I chose Joshua 1:9, which may seem redundant since it was last summer's theme scripture, but it has been my favorite since high school. 

And now I realize, I haven't been taking my own advice. I sit here blogging about it like I know what I'm saying, I send friends and family out into the world believing my words. And what does it really mean? It means nothing. Because I can't even believe it myself. I've turned right back into my high school self before the scripture. I'm in front of you, smiling, but I'm inside my invisible box. The shield I hold around myself to keep me from feeling anything important. I took it down for a while there, but the effort was too much, and it's been back up ever since that chilly October night when I promised myself that I didn't care.

And now it's time for the box to be destroyed.

I need to take yoga again.

p.s. Carli, I still have a bandana that you gave me at girls camp. Do you want that back?

talents vs. gifts

When I was little I wanted to be a doctor, a writer, an astronomer, an interior designer... but I always knew deep down that I would be a teacher. I rebelled against this feeling. I told myself that teachers were silly people who couldn't do anything else, and didn't make any money. But secretly, I glanced around at my teachers walls and knew exactly  how I would decorate my classroom if I was the teacher. I decided how I would choose to teach the content if it was me up in front. I secretly prided myself on my ability to get through to students when the teacher simply wasn't making sense to them. I tried to write essays for scholarships on why I was going into Interior Design, but knew it made more sense if I wrote an essay on why I should teach. When I applied to the prestigious Interior Design program at Utah State, I fully expected to be rejected, and my mind was full of relief that I could be a teacher instead. I got accepted to Interior Design and continued on, but still I wondered. On that fateful day, after I turned in my tiny house and walked onto the shuttle feeling more exhausted with school than I ever have, I knew. I knew I couldn't rebel any more. And as I signed the Change of Matriculation form,  I knew I would never go back.




my tiny house that caused much stress in my life.

the only picture of me teaching anything.

p.s. I just helped my mom get songs from my computer onto her iphone. It took 4 1/2 hours. Cool.

identity crisis

The Travelers Guide To Madeline

Hello traveler's! This guide was written specifically for all you people out there who have encountered Madeline. She's a tricky one, isn't she? No fear, this guide will help you figure her out, and you'll be a pro in no time!
Let's start with the basics, shall we? Madeline loves the color yellow, she likes shopping for new clothes, she is obsessed with houses, and she enjoys cookies. She is a pretty average girl when it comes to most things, always up for a good time, loves all music, watches all types of movies, loves the outdoors, but also loves hiding indoors with a good book.
Don't compliment Madeline too much, she'll get very uncomfortable. On one occasion as an EFY counselor, another counselor came up to her and insisted that he tell her everything good about herself. Madeline was very flattered, but felt very uncomfortable and almost started crying.
You don't have to talk too much with Madeline. She's a quiet person naturally, and if you are both sitting in silence, it's a good bet that she doesn't feel awkward. You can be quiet too.
If you tell Madeline you are going to do something, you should do it. She believes you. Wouldn't want to let her down, now would you?
The quickest way to Madeline's heart is still being investigated. We're not quite sure what makes her get the butterflies yet.
In fact... most of Madeline is still a mystery to us.
Please email madelinedoesn'tmakemuchsensetome@questionsoflife.com*
Thank you for reading this comprehensive and exclusive guide on Madeline! All proceeds will be donated to her college fund.

*we are not responsible for what happens if you really send an email to that address.

p.s. life...?

your world is my world

 About a week ago, I was talking to my good friend Logan Smith. He was complaining (like many of you out there) that my blog was much too cryptic, and what if he really wanted to know something? I rolled my eyes and responded that if he wanted to know something, all he would have to do is ask. Because if you all remember, I only tell the truth. You all just haven't asked the right questions! So, I challenged Logan to write up a list of questions - an interview of sorts - and I would answer it for him. I get the privilege of coming up with questions for him as well, check it out here.

Let's begin the interview:

Can I just start off by saying what an honor it is to be able to have this interview with you? Madeline Newhouse you have been blogging off and on over the past year, I bet it feels good to be reaching that 100th post. In honor of your achievement we have decided to give you a short interview, to help your readers learn a little bit more about you. Now let’s get going, we have a lot to cover.

To start things off, many people say that you are too cryptic in your blogs; what do you have to say to these people, and why do you choose to withhold so much information? What is one thing that you have almost posted the most, but keep choosing not to divulge? Well, Logan, to these people I would say, what exactly is it that you're hoping I'm going to say whenever I'm cryptic? And the thing I've been the most cryptic about is definitely my relationships... because you know what? It's none of your business :)
Now let’s really dive in deep:

Who is your favorite superhero? That would definitely be a toss-up between Iron Man, Batman, and Wolverine. (Robert Downey Jr., Christian Bale, and Hugh Jackman respectively. You do the math.)
Favorite color? Favorite color is yellow, can you tell?
What made you decided to major in El-Ed? It's a really long story so I'll just say that I have always been plagued with feelings that I should be a teacher, and after ignoring them for 19 years I decided to follow my heart.
What is the craziest vacation that you have ever been on? I don't know if this is "crazy" but I've been to Denmark, and that's kind of random.
Where would you go to if you could travel anywhere outside of the US? GREECE!!!!! I get that crazy falling in love feeling whenever I think about Greece.
What is the worst job that you have ever had, why? I've never had a bad job, because I always do whatever I want.
What makes your family so cool? We love each other.
Now let’s move on to the topic of boys…oh goodie....
Who would you say was your first boyfriend, how long did that last? My first boyfriend was named James. I was in second grade at Shirley Elementary School in Oregon. He gave me half of a yin-yang necklace. He had the other half. I'd say it lasted a couple weeks.In the end I wanted someone who could give me more expensive jewelry.
First kiss: good, bad, so so, magical, terrible; Why? I don't remember it that well, however, I remember clearly thinking, "kissing is weird"
10 adjectives to describe your dream guy? Spiritual giant, Really nice, Funny, Confident, Smart, Healthy, Thoughtful, Creative, Good fashion sense, Tall-Dark-and Handsome
How would you rate yourself currently on the Marriage Hungry scale? 0-----10
0=Please stay away
10="I have already set our date on the first date" Hahahahaha... Definitely an 11. I already have the date set, wedding planned, and thank-you cards ready. Just kidding. Or am I?
What is the dream happily ever after ending for your life? To die on a secret mission involving mystery, intrigue, true love, and a couple sword fights.
What is your biggest goal? My biggest goal is to be a good mother
What is one hilarious secret you know? I don't keep secrets, and I don't tell secrets.
What was the best year of your life, why? I would have to say... 2010. My years just keep getting better and better! This was the best year because I learned a ton of life lessons, had the best summer of my life going to Nauvoo, doing EFY, Disneyland, Family Vacation, and started my Junior year of college.
What are your thoughts on awkwardness? I'm a fan. I instigate it on purpose sometimes.
And last of all, If you had three wishes what would they be?
(I hope you know standard genie rules and do not ask for more wished.) I would wish for world peace, my family to always be happy, and enough money to own Anthropologie.
Well Madeline thank you so much allowing us the time to come in and interview you. I hope that you are able to really take full advantage of the Winter break, and that you have a wonderful holiday season with your family.

So there you have it! Thanks for the interview Logan, I hope you learned what you wanted to.

p.s. The events depicted are fictional. Any similarity to actual people or events is purely coincidental. (Or are they?)

Where Did I Come From? Why Am I Here? Where Am I Going?

My name is Madeline. I'm the kind of girl who likes to be spontaneous. I would like to spend a day in a tree house. I love new clothes, especially from Anthropologie and Hip & Humble. The only person I completely confide in on this earth, is my mother. I always tell the truth. It's a weird thing, but when it comes to lying, I can't open my mouth. Therefore, I will never lie just to make someone feel better. I don't like all the attention on me. I'll never volunteer to be first to do something, in fact, I usually end up being the last person. I gave up designing houses to teach little children. I often wonder what it would be like to be famous. I used to be afraid of roller coasters, but then I decided that I wasn't having any fun, so now I really like them. Growing up, I was the nerdy, shy girl. I didn't get my first kiss until I was eighteen. I don't like getting my hopes up about things, because I don't like being disappointed. I prefer to always be happy, so I don't let things affect me in a negative way. I don't voice my opinion a lot unless I am very passionate about it. When I was in seventh grade my favorite TV show was Even Stevens, and Shia LaBeouf was my first celebrity crush. Since that time period, I have always had a weakness for curly haired boys. I'm not much of a second chance kind of girl, once I make a decision, I stick to it. If I could go anywhere on vacation, it would be to Greece. I don't like gross humor, or humor when someone gets hurt. I'm not a big video-gamer, but I enjoy mario-kart and Super Smash Bros. And I will play the wii anytime, anyplace. (and I will beat you.) I don't have a competitive bone in my body except for when I play wii tennis, or when I play card games. Shooting hoops and playing the piano are stress relievers. Kristen Wiig is my hero. I'm a little obsessed with nature. I find it to be the most moving experience to be outside, especially when I'm alone and it's quiet. I don't appreciate gossiping at all. There are very few things that make me legitimately angry. One of those things is people treating others badly. My biggest weakness is laziness. When I'm sad or stressed, I don't eat. I love the gospel more than anything. In my opinion, either The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is TRUE or it isn't. There isn't any in between. You can't pick and choose doctrine that you like. It's all or nothing. I'm really a pretty big dork sometimes, but my philosophy is that if you play it off with confidence, and act like what you are doing is totally normal and possibly cool, no one will notice. The moment you show any sign of doubting yourself, that's when people wonder what in the heck you are doing. I don't believe in being afraid. A life lived in fear is no life at all. I'm a naturally excited person, and I think sometimes this throws people off. The truth is, I can't wait to be a mother someday. I love adventure movies and books. I can't wait to be done with school. And mostly, thinking of my future brings me a huge thrill. Who knows what will happen next?

p.s. If you read all of that, that's amazing.

All the things I keep inside.

I don't want to work hard. Sometimes I feel like a whale. I wish I knew how to do my hair. I feel unmotivated. I procrastinated that paper so long I don't know if I'll ever do it. I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be. Don't expect a second date. I'm only going for the food. You are really annoying me right now. I hate it when you talk badly about other people. I just want to go shopping all day. I care more about sleep than homework. Who cares what so-and-so said to so-and-so? I feel like I don't fit in. I pretend that I'm happy all the time because I think that's what people expect me to be all the time. I didn't feel bad when I said that to you. Thank you for the cute outfit mom! My life is important too. Just because I'm not dating that kid anymore doesn't mean I like you now. I think you are interesting. I realized I forget to be myself. I'm trying to be myself. I feel like playing a prank on you. I'm tired of talking to you. I should write in my journal. I should do my homework. I wish I was the type of person who could sing in front of everyone. If I could have any talent I would be able to dance. I realized it wouldn't work when you left me alone on the dance floor. I'm still sad about that. It doesn't matter, because everything is already looking better, I am happy, I'm not pretending. I'm not afraid, I'm not lazy, I'm not dumb, I'm not untalented, I'm not boring, I'm not a whale, I'm not unhappy, I'm not dreaming. This is life.

p.s. You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you.

Sing Me A Song

Hi, my name is Madeline Newhouse.

I am a college student, an oldest child, just like my mother, obsessed with clothes, a movie watcher, a book reader, and a music lover.

I hate homework, love my sisters and brother, admire my mother, have too many clothes, go to movies all the time, read everything in sight, and love finding songs that match my life.

I've lived on this earth for almost 20 years now, and I have to say I'm pretty proud of the way I've done things. Proud of the choices I've made. These are the Top Ten lessons I've learned:

1. Honesty - There good secrets, and there are bad secrets. Good secrets are the ones everyone will find out, like surprise parties, and bad secrets are the ones that eat you alive.

2. Communication - Especially in relationships. If you want it, SAY IT. Don't beat around the bush. Chances are, people aren't going to guess what you want.

3. Procrastination - My personal problem. Terrible terrible procrastination... I will quit procrastinating tomorrow, I swear.

4. Humor - Sense of humor is key. Nothing in life is so bad if you can smile about even a tiny part of it.

5. Change - It happens. Embrace it. And remember, you do NOT have the power to change anyone else. Which brings me to...

6. Acceptance - People are people, things happen, maybe good maybe bad. You can't change things, you can't rewind. Accept what you get! There has to be a reason for it.

7. Rejection - I fear this. Everyone fears this. Shake it off, try again. (Unless it's a love interest, if they rejected you, who needs them??)

8. Prayer - Even if it seems like there's no chance prayer will work, keep praying. Life is too hard to do it alone.

9. Reliance - Don't be afraid to ask for help. It isn't a sign of weakness.

10. Love - Is scary. Is wonderful. Is heartbreaking. Is happiness. I used to be afraid of loving someone because I was afraid of losing someone. Love anyway! If you lose, come back stronger. Never give up.

And these are my thoughts of the day.

XOXO