be ok today

"I'm so excited to hear about your night tomorrow!"I told Haley.

"I'm excited to hear about yours!" She responded.

"Oh, I'm nervous." I said, heading toward the door.

"Don't be," she answered sympathetically.

"It's ok," I said, "I'm resigned to my fate. Whatever happens happens. It will be ok."

It will be ok.

No matter how anxious or stressed out I get,

everything will turn out fine.

Isn't that something we could all pay attention to in our lives? The fact that everything will be fine.

But no. We get so wrapped up in the present. In the hurt, in the grief, in the excitement and stress of the day. The way we woke up wrong in the morning and everything was downhill from there...

But tomorrow IS another day. 

And you can choose the way you live it.

True, other people will be there, influencing you.

But you decide how you act, how you react, or how you don't act.

No one else can change that.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the line from 500 Days of Summer.

You know the one,

where Tom begs Summer for a little bit of consistency.

For the knowledge that she loves him, needs him, wants him around - the same way he loves, needs, and wants her.

And she says, "I can't give you that, Tom. No one can."

Is that true?

No one can.

No one can?

It will be ok.

For now, here's a movie of me and my friend Lauren. Doing what we do best. (whatever that is.)

p.s. what should i do this weekend?

here's my heart

I'm afraid of my own potential.

So many times I shrug things off, telling myself I'm average. I'm just an average person who gets average grades, has average looks, no real talents, etc.

I worry about not being creative enough, funny enough, courageous enough, smart enough, caring enough... so I just tell myself that I'm not. 

I'm not anything special, just an average girl.

But here's the thing... I'm pretty sure I'm not average. I am brave enough, smart enough, happy enough, caring enough. I am talented, I am pretty, I am kind.

And I think if I stop telling myself I'm average, I'll finally be able to admit that I'm extraordinary.

We all have the potential to be extraordinary, and I'm going to start trying to live up to it. How about you?

p.s. i can't stop thinking about what fun things are going to happen this summer!!

melancholy soundtrack to her smile

Why is it that my biggest battle with myself is always to be brave?

Bravery.

I want it so badly, but my mind takes over with a wall of protection.

Don't be brave, Madeline. It just makes it easier to get hurt. The moment you put yourself out there, you make yourself vulnerable. Don't say that, what if they don't feel the same? Don't do that, what if they think you're weird? Don't raise your hand, don't sing, don't write about how you really feel, don't ask questions, don't act anything but happy. If you don't take risks you'll be fine! Life will stay exactly like it is! 

Comfortable!

And I back down, because my mind is right. I'll be fine.

But is fine good enough?

So many times I backed down, stood back, listening but never talking... Do you have any questions? Yes. Yes, I have questions. I can't ask them. I'm afraid of the answer.

Bravery.

Why is it that my biggest battle with myself is always to be brave?

p.s. i need to be asleep. right now.

modern thought will get the best of you

So, I have this fear.

It may seem silly to all you people out there, but to me, it is very incapacitating!

To think what I could accomplish if I could just overcome this fear! My life would be changed! My confidence would be boosted! My haircut would look more expensive!

One time, I was on a date. It was the kind of date that all the boys wish they would think of, and all the girls wish they could go on. The majority of the date was spent learning a form of Tai Kwon Do, taught to us by a hired professional. At the end of the lesson, the teachers (or should I say Sensei's?) brought out a stack of wooden boards and told us that we all had the capacity to break one in half. I was confident that what they said was true. I had a burning desire to go up there and smash a board with my bare hand. Several people walked up, excitement shining in their faces, my date included. He kept telling me to get up there, even trying to raise my arm for me! I wanted to get up so badly... but I was overcome by my fear, and remained rooted to the carpet. And soon all the boards were broken, and I can only say that I chickened out of doing it.

All because of my fear of raising my hand.

It really is terrible. I want to speak up all the time, or volunteer to do something, or add to a lesson... but I get this crushing feeling that I can't move any of my limbs. My arm remains pinned to my body. And then I am full of regret for not doing anything.

Today I raised my hand in class. I gave my input. My face may have turned bright red, and I might have started sweating, and maybe I was very awkward and shaky... but I raised my hand right up!

One small step for Madeline... one giant leap for uhhh... nevermind, I can't make up my own quote.

p.s. i'm ready for the weekend.

i'd go back and try to change it, but i can't

I go through the day thinking about it. Wondering when... checking every few minutes to make sure. Nothing. There is nothing. And as the disappointment settles in, I find myself considering what to do next. Maybe I'll just... I'll only say... and then I remember.

Sitting on the grass in the twilight of summer, the warm air caresses our bare arms and legs, and all I hear are crickets chirping. 

"I think it's usually my fault," he says, "I always end up taking them for granted."

My stomach squirms with that old familiar feeling and I look up at the faint appearing stars. "That is what happens to me. I get taken for granted."

And he nods in agreement, because we both know it is going to happen.

That day when I put my hand on the doorknob thinking he'll never break MY heart, was the day I vowed to never be taken for granted again. 

So I stop considering what to do, turn out the light, and fall asleep.

p.s. it's all an illusion, a trick.

average skills

There comes a time in every young woman's life...

ok, maybe just in my own life. Who really knows the trials of others?

When she realizes that her life does not revolve around anyone else's. 

That her choice of whether to stay in or go out is the right choice, and if someone else is disappointed with that, it's their problem.

Does that sound horribly mean? Hopefully you'll see what I'm getting at...

I used to spend my days waiting. Waiting for the phone call, the letter, the IM, the facebook chat, the text message. 

And what good did waiting do me? Did my waiting make that boy love me more? Did my waiting make him see how special I was? How I wasn't someone he should kick to the curb so easily? Not someone to be ignored? Not someone unimportant?

I'll tell you what it did. It told him that I was someone who would wait.

For as long as it took.

Because I thought he was the greatest, and so did he.

I was taken for granted.

But now that time in my life has come... and I realize what I should have realized years ago.

No boy is worth waiting for, and the one who is won't make you wait.

Ok, so I kind of stole that from "No boy is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry" which is also a true statement...

Here's to doing your own thing, and being happy about it.

p.s. I just watched a fireworks show out my front room window.

fight or flight

My fingers and toes clench tightly on the steps of the ladder. Up up up I go to the very top. I grasp the cold metal hand rails as hard as I can. Pull myself all the way up. There I am standing, higher than everyone else. My eyes record the people splashing, my ears tune into the children screaming and laughing. I take a step. The board is rough against my feet, and damp from the other kids braver than me who have done this a thousand times. I hold out my arms for balance, and quickly walk to the end of the board. I just want to get it over with before the fear takes over and I scramble back down. My stomach clenches as I look down into the darkness. What is there to be afraid of? Everyone else does this. Everyone else can even do cool tricks while they do it. My toes curl over the edge as I realize that there is a line of people behind me. I still have time to turn around. Someone else can go instead of me. The options and consequences tumble around in my head. My fingers clench and unclench. Water drips from my hair. A breeze blows goosebumps onto my legs and arms. Someone yells my name. So I choose to jump.

p.s. sometimes I just want to sing!

not what i intended

so much to say, so little time.

I finally figured it out. You know, that thing I've been 

thinking about every moment of every waking hour?

And probably the sleeping hours as well?

Oh, no. You don't know. I didn't give details. 

Too bad for you!

Here goes nothing... wish me luck!

p.s. first graders are the cutest and craziest people in the world.

high life scenery

I know how to be happy.

Every choice I make in my life will hopefully bring me a happier consequence.

Fear, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, anger... these are not words I use to describe how I feel often.

My friend Carli says she wants me to have a bad day. 

Sorry folks, it's not going to happen.

 Not because I don't feel all of those other feelings - I do. 

It's because I don't let them define me. 

I don't let one silly bad thing happen to me in the day, and let that change my attitude. 

It's about choice.

I think I realized something yesterday. 

I tell myself all the time that I need to be brave. 

I need to take chances, have courage, be strong. 

Be happy. 

I can't do that. 

I need to be sad sometimes. 

I need to be angry sometimes. 

I need to feel disappointed, lonely, discouraged, hurt. 

I need to be more open, more vulnerable. 

Bravery is good. 

Happiness is good. 

Trying new things is good. 

Going out of your comfort zone is good. 

Being tough is good. 

But crying is also good. 

Taking chances and being let down, putting yourself out there and getting rejected, failing... all of that can be good too.

Because let's face it, the times I have been the most happy, the most excited about life, are when things are changing for me. Changing because of a success or a failure. Changing because of a happy or a sad feeling. I need both. 

Time to grit my teeth, clench my fists, and take a stand. 

Time to be BRAVE enough to FEEL something.

p.s. I can see the sun and the blue sky right now.

changing pace

It's been a long time since I was sick. And I'm not even THAT sick... just my head feels like it's full of stuff, and my body is tired. Wait, maybe that's the nyquil kicking in. I'm about to go to bed early for the first time in months. It's a lovely feeling. Tomorrow I move back to Logan for my third Spring Semester. This is it, people. Spring semester has always been a time of change for me. My freshman year I had my first boyfriend, first kiss, first breakup, first terrible sunburn of death... My sophomore year I changed my major, went to Las Vegas, got a free taco, and got out of a bad relationship... So far besides the sunburn, everything has been good! Spring semester is hard. It's snowy. It's gross. But it's also fun because it's a time to start over. Clean slate. I like to wonder what I am going to decide to do this time around. Will I ace all my classes this time? Will I do something adventurous? Will I make new friends? Will I decide to stop being a scardy-cat and date someone already? Will I ever be as cool as the little girl on True Grit??
I guess anything can happen...
The suspense is killing me!

p.s. i keep forgetting it's january

hold me tight, i'm falling fast

I talk a lot about courage. I try to be brave. I think I have it all figured out. I feel strong.

I'm vulnerable.

I look into the eyes of everyone around me, whispering that they'll be there for me, take care of me, sweep me off my feet, give me everything I need.

      And I tell them I can do it by myself. 

I hear people say they want me, I'm good enough, I'm pretty enough, I'm funny enough, I am what they need.

      And I tell them to forget me.

I'm better than that, I don't need anyone, I'm smarter, I'm stronger, I'm nicer, I'm more than you.

c o n f i d e n c e   f a  l   t    e     r      s.

The truth is I'm growing up. I'm losing pieces of myself, I'm finding them again. I'm shutting down, I'm waking up. My heart is locked. I'll never cry. 

Slip your fingers through mine and remind me that it's worth it. 

I'm worth it.

You're worth it.

so vulnerable.

SO STRONG.

Courageous.

p.s. i have no idea.

a life portrait

Today I found myself in the Drawing I art studio.

How did I get there, you ask?

I walked.

Oh, you mean, why was I there? You should be more specific when you ask questions.

I got a job.

As a model for the art department.

Anyway, I had trudged through the snowstorm outside all the way up to the Fine Arts Building, and after brushing a layer of snow off my coat, and shaking my umbrella dry, I walked up the staircase and through the first door on the right.

There were a couple students inside, and when the door slammed shut they gave me accusing looks. They knew I didn't belong. So I shuffled from foot to foot, and then exited the room. I tried to look like I had a purpose by perusing the art in the hallway, but I don't think people usually take time to do that, because it didn't feel natural. Finally, I saw a man who looked like he might be the teacher. He glanced at me and then walked in the room.

I don't know what I was expecting... that he might know that I, Madeline Newhouse, was the model he had requested? That he might recognize me from the short, slightly awkward conversation we had on the phone the other day?

I decided enough was enough, took a deep breath, and walked back into the classroom. The man (who I had thought must be the teacher) looked at me curiously, and then said, "oh! Are you Madeline?" I nodded my head yes, and he came walking over.

He started telling me all the things he wanted me to do as the model for the class. He used a lot of phrases that I didn't quite understand. Then he looked at me expectantly. I considered him for a moment, and finally blurted out, "I've never done this before, and I don't know what I'm doing!"

He seemed surprised, but had no problem with telling me in detail everything he wanted me to do.

I felt nervous. Uncomfortable. Completely out of my element. Silly. Self-conscious.

And then, because I felt all of that, when I stepped into the middle of the room, and everyone took out their pencils, I felt

Brave.

p.s. I feel extraordinarily happy right now. Life is good.

It's not me, It's you.

There are a lot of things that I know to be true. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only true church on the earth. I know that my family loves me. I know that an education is important. I know that the sun rises in the east. I know where the stars form the big dipper. I know that dreams come true. I know that everything happens for a reason, that I am here for a reason. And I know that, no matter what, everything is going to turn out ok.

I've noticed that a lot of people are afraid. We all have something that we are afraid of, that keeps us from doing things that actually could end up being good for us. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I used to let that hold me back. One day I realized, that if I keep letting fear rule my life, I'm not going to get anywhere I want to be. Because EVERYTHING in life that is worth anything is going to require some effort. It's going to be risky, it's going to be challenging, it's going to be hard. But the point is that it IS worth it. Everyone gets so sidetracked by the little steps in life, all they can see is the path right in front of them. What people need to do, is pick up their heads and look straight at what they are headed for. Can you do it? Of course you can. If it means a lot to you, you can get anything you want in life.

I believe in fairytales. I believe that if I keep trying, I'm going to get exactly what I want out of life. I don't let fear rule my life, I let FAITH rule my life. No matter what happens, I have faith that I will be just fine. Better than fine. Trials are but a small moment. Pure happiness comes to those who make an effort to find it. Love comes to those who are prepared for it. I've seen way too many of my friends hold themselves back because of fears, and I just want to shake some sense into them! Broken hearts hurt, but they teach a lot.

It's worth it. Go for it. Be brave. Take the steps. Faith, not fear.

I'm having a great time being brave! Go ahead and join me. :)

p.s. I'm making sunday dinner tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Well, that was fun... NEXT!

Ahh... here it is. I've finally run out of time. Thank goodness my summer was so awesome! I'm so lucky I got to have all of the experiences I did, and to meet all of the people that I did. I have made some amazing new friends! I hope this next year brings a lot of great new experiences and a lot of fun. I hope I remember to be brave, and not let any fear get in the way of me making new memories. This year will be great! Let's get it started :)

And now... a tribute to the summer.

Nauvoo

EFY

Washington

California/Disneyland

p.s. I'm getting a 4.0 this semester. No Big Deal.

Take A Deep Breath

Have you ever been afraid to say something?

Like, it's right there in your head... your mouth is almost opening, and then you are like, nope! not going to happen.

That happens to me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm about to burst because of all the words inside of me.
I wish I was brave.
It's so hard.

I took a yoga class once. At the end of the class my teacher would do that meditation part, and she would tell us to breathe in anything that we needed at the moment. Just breathe it in. Over and over again.

I always breathed in bravery.
I think I should take yoga again.