wanderlust

Sometimes I have a feeling.

I have this feeling that I'm here, and life is good...

but something is missing.

And when I think about all the things this world has to offer,

I get this huge desire in me to get out there and see it all.

That's all I want.

Just to get away and observe the beauty.

Be a part of it for a while.

Move somewhere that no one knows my name, all by myself, and learn how to be there.

Learn how to be me.

Alone.

Out on my own.

It sounds like paradise... even writing these words right now I'm feeling restless.

My heart, my head, my legs, my fingers.... they're all begging me to leave on an adventure...

Oh money, where art thou?

The only thing holding me back.

It's devastating.

p.s. happy birthday Braden!

oh, but i want to

You know what is so great?

The fact that I have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring.

Or next week.

Or next month.

Or next year.

Every time I think about it, this crazy feeling fills up the inside of me and makes me want to smile until my face falls off. 

Something good is just around the corner. I can FEEL it.

I'm resisting the urge to peek.

.... luckily that's not possible, so it's really easy to resist.

i feel like a wall of postcards will be in my future.

p.s. what if dreams told the future?

too aware of the pending

Yes, I'm giving you an excerpt from one of my letters to Jenna again. Sorry... creative juices are just not flowing lately.

Dearest Jenna Colvin Loveliest Lady In The Land,

In the beginning I thought I would end up writing you my blog posts (which sometimes I do). But now I am tempted to copy and paste your letters into my blog (which I have done once).

I think perhaps I was always writing my blog just for you. I stare at my blog in a haze of confusion, not knowing what to write. And then I open this document, and the words come pouring out. I hope you are saving my letters to you, because I have a feeling I will like to read them in 17 months…

17 months. What will happen to me in 17 months? I know all the things that I would like to happen. But my mind creates a wall and pushes those dreams behind it. Focusing on right now is easier, better than dwelling on wishes of things to come. And I can’t decide if that’s wrong. Should I put energy into wishing? Or should I be happy where I am, and live the journey? The happy medium is probably goal setting, right? I can be happy and live my life right now, all the while working toward goals. Where I want to be in 17 months. Such a long list of goals…

And yet, fear of disappointment builds the wall again.

p.s. i had a free personal trainer consultation at my gym today. she told me i should train to run a marathon. i felt so weak.

unaware of real life

Holy cow. (I never say that). A commercial just came on the television that made me recall a dream I had last night. And now I feel the need to tell you about it.

I was with some friends, and there was this man with us. He was pretty cute, with brown curly hair and a sweet smile. I was smiling and nodding at something he said, and Rachel kind of nudged me and whispered, "Who is he? Why does he look familiar? How do we know him?"

"Rachel," I said quietly, "He's the guy from the credit report commercials. You know, the one who always sings the songs? He's changed his life around!"

I bet you can't guess what commercial I just saw on tv...

Also, the other night I had a dream that I was with my friends Matt and Cade. We had been talking for a while, when suddenly they pointed out that I had a lot of stuff hidden in my hair. Including some amazing looking macaroons.

Dream interpretation anyone?

p.s. i wish i knew how to do my hair all fancy.

call it a lullaby

Every now and then, I have very realistic dreams about spiders. This only happens when I am completely and utterly exhausted. Last night was no exception... look, it was a Friday night, I am perfectly welcome to go to sleep whenever I choose. Even if I have to drive to Farmington the next morning... but I digress.

Back to dreams... these dreams usually end in me waking up in a half asleep panic, thinking that there is a spider in my bed. One time, this happened when I was with my family in Disneyland. I woke up and started flailing around in the hotel bed, and finally threw my pillow at the wall in a desperate attempt to rid myself of the huge spider that was DEFINITELY crawling on it.

Last night was slightly the same, only this time there were two spiders. I turned on my lamp and threw my blankets off of myself, deliriously trying to explain to myself that there wasn't anything there. And then I went back to sleep.

So I just have a question... what is it with me and spiders? Does anyone know what spiders mean in dreams?

p.s. happy birthday Jenna Colvin :)

when lost will you find me?

There is something about Spring Semester of school that makes me want to pack my bags and get out. I always picture myself in Ireland, on the path where girl meets boy in P.S. I love you. Just standing there, me and my suitcase and the wind. Watching the grass and the flowers, and feeling content in my warm colorful scarf. And then I come back to real life, sitting on my bed, listening to water dripping off the roof, ready to begin my homework. 

Sometimes life gets crazy. I wish I could be anywhere but where I am, doing anything but what I am doing. And then I find myself walking up to campus in the chilly morning air. I pass all of the cars in the parking lot, praying to not get run over by the crazy man in the corvette, and climb up the stairs to the street. I tilt my head and listen for sounds of cars coming, and when silence greets me, I run across. Then I make my way to the big red brick building and open the door. A man smiles at me and moves quickly up the stairs. I hear the music, and I can't help smiling as I walk up behind him. 

And the thought occurs to me that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. 

And I feel peace.

p.s. maybe i was wrong...

would you take a walk with me?

Sometimes I wonder what on earth I could do to make my life more interesting. When people ask me what I like to do, they are always faced with my blank stare and my awkward, "umm... uhh... I don't really know the answer to that question..." And it's like, you don't know? You seriously don't know what YOU like to do. It's the easiest question on the planet! Ha. I need a hobby. Badly. All I can say right now is I go to school and work and sleep. And it's not that I like to do those things... ok, well, I like to sleep. But really, what would you say to someone if they said, "I like to sleep!" Not much for conversation unless you get into dreams I guess, and even then I can only remember about four dreams from my lifetime. So what? Am I just uninteresting? I must be boring. I must be one of those people who drifts from place to place with no clear purpose. I must have no drive and motivation. I must be forgetting something about being human! And when I think of the question "What do you like to do?" I think of the question, "What would you like to do?" And that opens whole new doors. Because what I would like to do SHOULD be the answer to what I like to do. So why am I not doing it? Simple. I lack time and money. Oh the woes of a college student. These are the years I should be building my life, discovering myself, and finding joy in the journey! So why does school feel so obligatory? If school is what I am doing, why don't I like it more? I should love it. I should be obsessed. It should be my passion. Except that's the most boring thing I've ever thought of in my life. If I could be doing anything right now I would be traveling the world. I would be teaching children English, sleeping in fancy hotels, dining at outdoor restaurants, backpacking in the mountains, meeting fascinating people, roasting marshmallows on the beach, walking everywhere, gazing at city lights, and buying amazing clothes. What would I like to do?  

I would like to be free.

p.s. last chance to change your answer from embarrassing journal entries to something else... anything else... ha ha.

if you want me, come and claim me

Three things:

1. I love my friends.

2. My huge bruise on my leg from angry-rude man hurts.

3. I am so so so excited to go home tomorrow.

p.s. I had a crazy dream last night. It was like a movie. Me + Creepy Stalker + In a mall = ???

I can show you the world

Yesterday, I had a dream.
This may not seem extraordinary to some of you, but I never remember my dreams, so I was happy.

It went like this:

I was walking around campus, minding my own business, when all of a sudden it became a Disney Day! The whole campus was decorated in bright colors, with banners and lights and music. This made me extremely excited! My excitement increased as I realized I was in the middle of a princess parade. All of the Disney princesses were walking down the sidewalk waving and singing. It was so much fun to see them! Then I got stuck behind a kind of slow princess, and that bothered me, so I walked into a building. This building was some sort of Disney fun house, and a lot of people were walking through with me. We were all just so darn happy that we started hugging each other! Everyone was hugging and laughing. I ended up hugging a man with a mustache, and I think I even told him something like, "Thanks for being so nice to me!" We hugged all the way to the end of the building, and then he walked out one door, and I walked out the other. It was then that I realized I didn't have my purse! I immediately felt stressed, because I would have to go back through the building, and people would probably give me weird looks. Then, a part of my brain (the smart part) said, "This is a dream! I don't want my purse to be gone. So let's say I didn't lose my purse." And another part of my brain (the dreaming part) said, "No, you aren't in control. Your purse is gone. Too bad." The good part of my brain put the purse back on my shoulder, and the bad part took it away again. It was kind of like in Sleeping Beauty when the fairies keep changing her dress from blue to pink. It was frustrating.

Then I woke up to a call from Carli Bahm.



p.s. I danced last night like an EFY counselor. I think it takes major exhaustion to be able to do that.