you. are. loved.

via

"See you guys later!" I called as I got out of the car.

I walked across the grass to my house, feeling oh, so tired.

Climbing up the stairs, I crossed my fingers that the door would be open.

And as I pressed down on the cold metal handle, I thought to myself that I felt sad.

I felt sad and I was ok with it, which is a rare thing in itself.

Usually I'll do anything to push that feeling away.

But I pressed the handle down, and for a moment, I let myself feel everything. Every little thing.

Things fall apart.

I read a book called that my senior year of high school.

I remember loving the book.

I don't remember the details of what it was about.

Anyway, it's true, isn't it? Things definitely do fall apart.

It happens suddenly sometimes.

Gradually, other times.

And usually I bounce back fairly quickly.

But I don't know what will happen this time.

Honestly, you guys, I cannot remember a time in my life that has been like this.

Where EVERYTHING is falling apart.

Nothing is going according to plan.

And I'm trying to keep a positive outlook, and I'm not doing a bad job.

I can see that things will work out in the future.

But right now...

Those thoughts.

Those creeping achy thoughts.

Why doesn't dating ever work out for me?

Why didn't my boss think I was good enough?

Why am I lacking so much motivation?

Why don't I like school right now?

What is going on??

And my tired heart, begs me to go to sleep and wake up in 15 years when everything is perfect (don't worry, I know it won't be).

To run away to another country.

To step right out of this life and into a new one.

But my pounding head says,

You can do it.

If you don't stick this through, you'll never see all the beautiful, wonderful, amazing things that lie ahead.

Don't give up.

p.s. sorry i've been a boring blogger lately... obviously a lot has been going on. but i have returned :)

my thoughts on words, and not a whole lot of anything else

I could tell you a lot of things. 

When I started this blog, I was sad.

It was the end of winter (and the spring that never came) of 2010, and it seemed like everything was falling apart.

And I thought, why not start a blog? Lots of people have blogs.

And I've always liked writing.

Writing is interesting. It's just me, my thoughts, all written in a bunch of silly words. All over the paper. Like word vomit, only what you're saying is permanent. Plastered in front of everyone's faces, instead of floating away into the awkward silence that occurs after you've said something ridiculous.

But does it mean anything? 

I honestly don't think so. Words don't mean a lot if they aren't backed up by actions. If you don't prove what you're saying to be true, the words tumble to the ground and get swept up with everything else 

that's unimportant.

At least, that's how it has always seemed to me.

Oh, but please, tell me things. Tell me everything. Use the words that you want to say.

But even more, please show me. Show me that you mean it.

When I started this blog, I didn't think anyone wanted to hear what I was really thinking, but I was also afraid to tell you. I was afraid of putting myself in that vulnerable place where everyone can read your thoughts, right there on the page. I'm still afraid of that. I used to play it off by saying I wanted my blog to be "cryptic" and "mysterious" (which it definitely was) but I was really just hiding myself from you. And while I've gotten better at being less cryptic and mysterious... I am still afraid of you all reading my thoughts on this page.

So, I could tell you a lot of things...

But I won't.

Not yet, anyway.

p.s. i'll admit it. i'm stressed out.

picture via

calling for an angel

Is something wrong with me? Is it normal to always want the easy way out? Sometimes when school or other things in life (usually school...) get stressful, I just want to quit. I just wish I could toss everything out the window, fly to Greece, and create a new identity. Why can't life be that simple? Why do I have to go to school and do homework, and talk to people, and take tests, and write papers? Why can't I just say I am going to be a teacher, and then it happens? 

And every time I start having a mental stress breakdown like this, I alway have to remind myself that it's ok. I'm going to make it. I always get everything done, and it all works out fine. 

I can do this!!

p.s. who decided that some words could sound the same, but be spelled different, and mean different things? I don't get it. There you are, eating their cake, while they're watching. Here you are, can you hear me? It just does not make sense...

it's all an act. a bad act in fact.

Being around small children all day is doing wonders for my immune system.

Excuse me for a moment while I have a talk with my body.

Be positive! If you think good thoughts about being healthy you will not be sick!!

But I'm so tired... my nose is stuffed up... my head feels strange...

Don't give in! There is no time to be sick right now! We have a million things to be doing! Practicum, go to classes, online classes, homework, real work, pay attention to friends... All things we need to be healthy for!

Who cares? Let's just lay in bed instead.

That... is a silly idea. Ridiculous. Preposterous.

Yeah, can't believe I brought it up.

Yes. Glad we're on the same page. So, back to going 100 miles per hour?

uhh... of *cough* course!

p.s. i'm not ignoring you, i just don't feel like talking to you right now.

it was only just a dream

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away....

DUN! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN etc etc.

It is a period of many things to do. Rebel 

spaceships, striking from a hidden 

base, have won their first victory 

against the evil Homework Planet. 

During the battle, Rebel spies managed 

to steal secret plans to the Empire's 

ultimate weapon, the use of Blackboard, an 

armored web site with enough 

power to destroy an entire GPA. 

Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, 

Princess Madeline races home aboard her 

starship, custodian of the study notes  

that can save her people and restore 

freedom to the galaxy.... 

p.s. i remember when i used to read books.

editing the pages of your mind

When I cross the street I always wonder what it would be like to be hit by a car. Always! I sometimes even think it would be exciting... not to be hit badly, just bumped or something. But then I always chide myself with thoughts such as, "that would probably hurt" and "you might have to miss school if that happened."

When I am walking alone anywhere at night, I immediately start considering a kidnapping scenario. What would I do? Would anyone hear me scream? If so, would they come to see what is wrong? Then I usually decide that I might try to fight them off, no one would hear me scream, and if they did they probably wouldn't come unless they were already outside. Then I remind myself that I am in Logan, and I probably won't get kidnapped. Wait... never say never! I always think this.

When I am in the bathroom getting ready for the day, probably taking longer than I need to just because I am super slow like that, I always picture a fight with my roommates. I imagine them knocking on the door and demanding to be let in so that they can do whatever they need to do. Then I imagine myself telling them that they will just have to wait because I'm getting ready right now. This thought process is actually very stressful for me. When the knock actually does come at the door... I pack my things up and leave without a word.

p.s. I don't really like being busy.

there will be a quiz on this later

Hello! Top of the morning to ya! The sun is shining, the snow is melting, and the wind definitely isn't blowing as hard as it was before! Well, we have some business to attend to, so without further ado, let me outline the rest of this semester's schedule for you.

Monday
* Wake up at 9:05a.m.
* Get ready and eat breakfast
* Walk to school at 10:20 a.m.
* Get done with school at 6:00 p.m.
* Go to FHE
* Do homework
* Go to bed at 10:30.

Tuesday

* Wake up at 6:30 a.m.

* Walk to Edith Bowen Lab School at 7:30 a.m.

* Leave Edith Bowen Lab School at 3:45 p.m.

* Go to work from 4:00 to 8:00

* Do homework

* Go to bed at 10:30.

Wednesday

* See Tuesday

* After Edith Bowen, go to class from 4:30 to 7:00 p.m.

* Homework

* Possible social life

* Go to bed at 10:30.

Thursday

* See Tuesday 

Friday

* Wake up at 9:05 a.m.

* Get ready and eat breakfast

* Walk to class at 10:20 a.m.

* Run to Religion in Life at 11:45 a.m.

* Go to Psychology Lab at 12:30 p.m.

* Get out of school at 1:00-15ish

* FREEDOM.

p.s. i love my friends.

how can I help you?

Last night I had a bit of a fever, so my mom sent me to bed with some Tylonol PM. Anyway, it knocked me out. My mom shook me awake 15 minutes before I needed to be at work, and I was in desperate need of a shower. It took me FOREVER to wake all the way up. 45 minutes later, I ran out to my car which was covered in frost and decorated with a sweet white note from the parking police saying I was in trouble. A.K.A. parking ticket. I scraped off my car and drove to work. I answered the phone and didn't hear what the man said, so I asked him politely if he would repeat himself. He did. Slowly and loudly. And he continued to talk slowly and loudly to me for the remainder of the conversation. I went out to the garage for to help with shipping, only to find out that I was the only person shipping. So I shipped, and shipped, and shipped some more. My stomach started growling loudly. The sales guys continued to bring me things to ship. Finally the new guy meandered over to help me out. He stood for five minutes staring at the product, and then trudged over to find a box. I didn't see him for another couple minutes. When he returned, he told me that I talk too quietly and that I should probably have eaten lunch by then so I would have energy. Well, at least he had my best interests at heart. I decided to leave him with the rest of the shipping and went upstairs so I could eat. While microwaving my food I realized I had cut my finger and it was bleeding... oops.When I came back to work at the front desk later, it got really busy. Phones were ringing off the hook, and customers were coming in as if their lives depended on it. I got everyone everything they needed, with the exception of a person on the phone who I think hung up after I put her on hold. But I forgot to give the last guys credit card back. I'm so sorry, old man! Come back to Supply Link! That's where your card is... Then some lady called about something on our website, and when I tried to tell her our website was down, she kept repeating, "I have an SKU number! I have an SKU number!" So I just transferred her to someone else. Finally things have settled down, and I'm sitting here sniffling, listening to Run by Ben Kweller, and blogging to you all about my day.
I hope this doesn't come off as complaining... think of it as more of a sarcastic commentary on a wonderful foggy January 6th.

p.s. laying on the couch and watching a movie sounds really good.

justice will be served

You know, I'm probably one of the luckier people out there. (Hopefully saying that doesn't jinx me...). This past summer, when I was at EFY, I remember just feeling so happy I was about to explode! Pondering on that one day, while I sat on the chilly cement watching my kids study scriptures, I suddenly became afraid. It's not fair that I could have so much happiness. What did I do to ever deserve feeling this good all the time? Something bad will probably happen to me soon to make up for it.
Nothing bad is happening to me. I get stressed out, sure. I have like 10 papers to write that I've been procrastinating over the whole semester. So what? Who cares? I'll write them, and then it will be Christmas vacation. That's nothing to throw a fit about. I have to pay for next semester. So what? Who cares? I'll pay for it, and eventually be able to buy myself some food. I feel like I have nothing to wear. So what? Who cares? I have a billion things in my closet that are perfectly fine.
Is it SO WRONG that I happen to think my biggest trial is how I am going on way too many dates and meeting way too many cute, nice, spiritual, great boys who would love to take me out again and again? And for some reason I can't get it in my head to fall for ANY of them?
Just kidding. 
Or am I?

p.s. I'm kicking myself for not inventing better things to write about in my 100th post. I can think of at least five more things that would have made that poll more interesting. Of course you would all choose my thoughts on boys. so predictable.

Gotta Have It

I hate waiting for things that I really want. Especially if I'm not sure they are going to happen.
It causes a lot of anxiety for me. That whole "I want this so bad I'm afraid it's not going to happen" feeling.
I don't want to get my hopes up...
I don't want to trust that something will happen because someone said that it would, because the fact is.. sometimes people let you down.
And I want it SO BAD.
I keep trying to hold it in...
I keep trying to tell myself to wait and trust...
It's really hard.

Cross your fingers for me... I'm tired of disappointment!

Brain Freeze

Things on my mind today:

1. Being an EFY Counselor

2. Writing papers

3. Taco Tuesday

4. The O.C.

5. Going to Nauvoo

6. Passing the CIL's

7. Passing the Writing Test

8. Interviewing a teacher

9. Starting a project

10. Relationships

11. Good books

12. Next semester

13. Moving on with life... ah.

That's It. I'm moving away and creating a new identity. Who's in?

Just have to say, life is KILLING me right now.
Spring Break anyone?

See you there in... ONE WEEK.