if you just believe

my favorite version of santa

Today, I need to talk to you about Santa Clause.

Last night at a ward party, I announced to everyone that I still believe in Santa.

They all rolled their eyes and chuckled - such a Newhouse thing to say.

But honestly, it's basically true.

You may be giving me the same look those people at the party did, but please, let me explain.

I don't remember how old I was when I first believed in Santa Clause. I feel as though I always knew about him. I do remember how old I was when I heard the "truth" about Santa Clause.

I was standing in the kitchen, facing my mother. I had already heard it from someone else, but I had to know, had to ask someone I trusted if it was right. I knew it was, deep down in my soul, but my heart longed for the belief to linger. To stay just a little longer.

There's something about believing in things that makes us stronger. Whether it's Santa, or a crazy theory, or the fact that we can pass a class, or the pure belief in ourselves... just the act of believing in something is an extraordinary talent.

I have heard friends and acquaintances say that they will never tell their children about Santa. They feel that it is "wrong to lie" to the children. This saddens me. 

I did not feel lied to, as I stood there listening to my mother pour out the truth. I felt a certain loss of something intangible, a bit of magic childhood slipping out of me. But I felt something else, the capacity to believe in something get steadier, more reliable.

And that is why I think Santa Clause exists. That is why I still believe in him.

I came across someone's blog a little while ago, and stumbled upon a post where she was explaining how she told her daughter the "truth" about Santa Clause. In a very touching letter, she explains all of my thoughts on the matter, so I will leave you with this:

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: “Are you Santa?”

I know you’ve wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I’ve had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.

The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.

I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)

I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.

This won’t make you Santa, though.

Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.

It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.

With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.

I love you and I always will.

Mama

letter found via

There you have it. Always, always, always, remember the true meaning of Christmas. But also remember to believe.

the best way to spread christmas cheer...

sisters eating panda express for lunch. because we can.

Well, the above pictures are just a sample of what I enjoyed yesterday.

So many wonderful things about being home... and one of them is grabbing lunch with my lil sisters during their break. We love being together, obviously. And the best part is, I blend right in with all the high schoolers getting their panda express on.

saaaaweet.

Anyway. I promised this week would be all about Christmas, and it is. So here is what I wanted to share with you today.

Christmas music. Love it. Sing it. Listen to it. Cherish it.

(if you're a hater, you better run to another blog... and fast.)

I sneakily listen to Christmas music as soon as it's on the radio. It doesn't bother me if it's too early. I understand that it does bother some people, and that is totally fine. To each his/her own. 

However, Christmas music makes me overwhelmingly happy. And who doesn't like to be happy? Helllooooo.... it makes total sense to me.

So, in honor of this season full of love, I'm going to share with you some of my can't-live-without-it Christmas music. 

1. The Christmas Song - Nat King Cole (this version is hands down the best. even though i'm a huge gigantor fan of michael buble's version, nat king cole gets me every time.)

2. O, Holy Night - Josh Groban (this man was made to sing this song. the power and spirit this song brings into the season is just what Christmas needs, because it's exactly what Christmas is about.)

3. All I Want For Christmas Is You - Michael Buble (this is a recent addition to the list. and honestly, his whole christmas cd is a can't-live-without-it christmas song, but i didn't want to bore you all with the same ole person singing the same ole songs. but seriously. check it out.)

4. White Christmas - Bing Crosby (as much as i like the i-yi-yi-yi'm dreaming version... this one takes the cake.)

5. Believe - Josh Groban (from polar express. yes, i know that this is another josh groban song. but this song describes my christmas spirit to a t, and i canNOT live without it.)

i'll leave it at that, but believe me, this list goes ON and ON.

What are some of your favorites?

p.s. you know what's fun? going through your wardrobe and putting together new outfits you have never. even. thought about. it's like a whole new wardrobe up in here!

tonight, we are young

It feels absolutely wonderful to be home again, with family, sleeping in my HUGE queen-sized bed. Oh, how I've missed this place. As soon as I walked in the door, I was greeted with a winter wonderland.

A tribute to my childhood, to simple days of love and magic. 

To days of cuddling with my dolls and gazing out the window, trying desperately to see a sleigh pulled by reindeer flying through the sky, but always falling asleep before it appeared.

Days of dancing in front of the screen in the theater after Aladdin, making my dad stay with me until the music finally stopped.

And maybe that's why, after watching a movie with my lil sis tonight, I convinced her to stay for the credits, when everyone else had left, and dance with me in front of the screen.

I refuse to be too old for things.

I refuse to forget how to feel excited.

I refuse to give up the little stuff.

Tonight, and for the rest of my life, I am young.

I will believe in Santa.

I will stay awake staring out that window.

And I will dance.

p.s. i'm posting this on sunday because i wanted to say it. and also because this next week is devoted to my thoughts, feelings, and memories about christmas. be prepared. i am one of the crazy christmas people.

the world better prepare

weekend preview. a lot of exciting things going on... that is for sure.

man, oh man. do I have a lot to say to you people!

my whole thought process is in blog posts these past few days.

i must remind myself that i have plenty of time to blog about it all.

self, you have plenty of time to blog about it all.

for now i will say,

i love being home. love it. love it. LOVE IT. 

can you believe this is only the second time i've really been home this whole semester?

that is unheard of for me.

one year, i went home EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. except for two or three at the end of the year.

but that's a whole other story...

all i can tell you is that here, around our house, it's beginning to look a lot like christmas (now picture michael buble singing that song. you know you love it.)

don't judge us.

we go to Island Park, Idaho for Thanksgiving, so when we come home we like to be all decorated and ready to go.

anyway, i'm in love i'm in love and i don't care who knows it.

life is good.

p.s. yeah, i just saw breaking dawn part 1. let me just say, i have always been team edward for bella, and team jacob for me. i mean seriously? who would pick a rock hard frozen man over a really warm soft one? i'm just saying. bella is an idiot. i rest my case.

i have faith, give me a reason

my sister abi and I. me being a terrible picture taker. yes, that is my finger. and my unfocused face. abi, being beautiful.

You know what I absolutely love?

The fact that faith is rewarded.

Obviously the past couple weeks have not been my best.

You probably noticed my more negative tone as of late.

And I'm sorry about that.

But I can't hide my feelings when I write.

Which I guess is one of the biggest reason that I do.

But anyway, back to the matter at hand.

There I am.

Trying desperately not to wallow in self-pity, telling myself over and over again that my trials (small as they are, large as they seem) will be over soon. The sun will come out again. I will be just as happy as I was those summer days playing pogs on the pavement.

Faith.

You see? I kept it.

I chose it.

Faith, not fear. Not discouragement. Not hopelessness. Not anger. Not sorrow.

And my faith was certainly rewarded. As it always is. Whether I ask for it or not.

And I am shown once again, the love that my Father in Heaven has for me. 

I can almost hear him saying, "See? That wasn't so bad. And now look! Look what I have for you! You're going to LOVE IT."

And you know what? I already do.

p.s. you know when you want to tell your roommate a story and then she leaves the house to get food with some boys?? yeah haley. i'm pointing my finger right at YOU! (but i can't help but love you.)

winning at tetherball, and an assortment of other things

Well, this was a good weekend. For the most part.

On Saturday I spent a good amount of the day on adventures with some friends.

We may have gone to the Pepperidge Farm place.

And it may have not impressed me that much.

But I may have gotten some goldfish and cookies anyway.

(What? They were cheap.)

And then while there, Kjarinda and I may have had the idea to drive to Bear Lake.

And then we may have gotten chocolate milk at the Gossner's cheese factory (or whatever it's called).

And then we may have grabbed our jackets and driven to bear lake.

And enjoyed sights like this, on the whole 40 minute drive there.

that's just a sample.

And then perhaps we made it to Bear Lake.

And you could probably bet that we got dinner.

And you never know... Maybe we went to a park after that and played on the swings and dominated a tetherball court?

But I can neither confirm nor deny any of this information.

this doesn't confirm or deny anything.

Anyway, you never know. All of that could have been fun.

Not so fun? Saying good-bye to this lady. You can bet some tears were shed.

Just a little depressed... See you in 18 months!

p.s. why is it so hard/bad to say "we need to talk"?

somebody, somewhere, loves you

me and my lovely sisters

Things On My Mind Right Now

1. Haley's awkward text messages.

2. Fall Break trips.

3. The old letter I found in my bin of miscellaneous papers.

4. I should probably do homework at some point.

5. Home made pizza is really good.

6. I have a lot of movies to watch that I've never seen.

7. My sisters. They're super awesome.

8. My little brother. Even more awesome.

9. How I should sleep more.

10. I'm following Santa Claus on Twitter. (He WILL tweet me back.)

11. Nerdy... but way excited to download iOS 5 on my iphone.

12. What to wear.

13. My new work out plan.

14. My life long secret dream to be a fitness instructor. (Even though I'm terrible at fitness.)

15. I love water. And chocolate covered strawberries. 

p.s. feeling a little better... :)

i'm happy, you're happy, we're all happy.

You know what, guys? 

There are a lot of things in life that make me really happy.

I can name them off for you.

This way, if you want to make me happy, all you have to do is read this list.

I'm actually pretty serious right now.

So, you know, feel free to take notes.

Happy List

picnics. anytime, anyplace.

prank wars

car washes

snuggling and watching movies

haircuts

when people read my blog and tell me about it

clean rooms

clean laundry

looking at houses

star gazing

fall scenery

eating cupcakes

making cupcakes

looking at cupcakes

water balloons

getting good scores on quizzes

cancelled classes

jumping on the trampoline

chocolate covered strawberries

going on drives

holding hands

buying new clothes

taking funny pictures

playing games

and popsicles.

well, there you have it. a condensed list of happiness.

oh wait... these pictures make me happy too...

three cheers for the DI!

p.s. please tell me why homework is important?

if it means a lot to you

Right now, I am sitting in a beach condo on the coast of Washington eating some fruit snacks. 

I can see the ocean from my window. 

And cheerful beach goers on their way up and down the sandy path. 

There are a few clouds in the sky, but the sun is shining brightly - a rarity for Washington. 

My sister is reading a book next to me. 

My brother is playing the wii on the other couch. 

And my other sister is blog-stalking on another laptop. 

My parents are in the other room sleeping. They drove us the whole way, so they are tired.

And that is a snapshot of my life right now. Wish you were here to join me!

p.s. remember my sister abigail? and how she is trying to be a photographer type of person? well, head over to her blog to check out yet another set of pictures of yours truly. sweeeeet.

everything is alright

When I was little, I sang at the top of my lungs in the shower. I would sing everything that came on my ipod. I even had a shower playlist. Because I would bring my ipod and plug it into the wall in the bathroom. 

Then one day a family member commented on hearing me sing in the shower. They said I was good.

I vowed to never sing in the shower again.

Can I take it back?

p.s. i leave for washington on friday... yesssssss!!!!

wonder of wonders

Ok, someday for real I will honestly post that post that I was supposed to post last week. But as of right now my computer battery is going to run out soon, and the little tiny dorm room I am staying in has all of three outlets. Each of which cannot hold my mac charger because they are in the ceiling and the charger is heavy and falls out.

So yeah... just chillin in my room, watching EFY kids go through the line outside in the rain and hearing their happy chatter. They are about to have the best week of their lives, no big deal. In the mean time, texting my sisters who are coming to EFY this week is keeping me entertained and I SO cannot wait to party it up with them. They are going to think I'm the coolest sister ever. If they didn't already... of course they did.

This week is going to rock. A lot. I can just feel it.

(hopefully i didn't just jinx myself...)

p.s. totally forgot to bring a towel with me... so that was awesome.

i'm about to crack, so let's call this the comeback

So, I'm officially moved back to Farmington, and kind of loving it. And when I say kind of, I don't mean that in a joking way, it's serious. Halfway loving it, halfway still crying about leaving Logan. Sniff. Don't mind me... Can you pass the tissues please?

My room is looking like a disaster area right now. Mostly because when I got home yesterday I was still feeling under the weather, and it took all my strength to drag bag after bag of my stuff downstairs. I set it all on the floor and flopped on the bed, not moving until my sister needed a ride to lacrosse practice. 

One of the good things about being home is being able to see friends I haven't had the chance to be with in a while. I got together with my friend Sarah last night for frozen yogurt and catching up, and it was delightful! Both of us seem to think that "sample" means fill your little cup to the overflowing point of every flavor in the store... so what, doesn't everyone do that?

trying to steal little brother's thunder.

And I loved finishing my first night off with a midnight movie. I grabbed my two sisters and cute brother to come with me to Thor. Which I must say was excellent. Why oh why do I love super hero movies so much?? Drool. 

betcha didn't know I was that strong, huh?

So... looks like the summer at home is starting out awesome. So I'll wipe my eyes and put on a brave smile, just for you. 

p.s. still a little sick. and I hate sniffling my life away, I'm sure it's way annoying, but honestly, blowing your nose every five minutes is just not efficient.

a little bit stronger

Interesting fact about me:

Sometimes I get feelings about things. Or I'll have a little thought, and I just know what is going to happen. For instance, every time a boy is going to kiss me, I wake up that morning with the thought, "he is going to kiss me today". And one time, my friend Kamille was very worried about what score she was going to get on her test, and the thought popped into my head, "84". So I told Kamille not to worry because she was going to get an 84%. Lo and behold... what score did Kamille get? You got it.

And last night, when I was sitting on the couch, laughing with friends about milk analogies, I just had a thought. 

And, as usual, I was right.

But you know, it's ok. I can't help but be excited for the future! Who knows what will happen this summer? I have a feeling it's going to be good.

There's just something about the end that makes me so ready for the beginning...

p.s. remember that time Sean Kingston came to Logan? Uhh...

all my life i've been good

Alrighty, 21st birthday is a success so far! But the celebration isn't over yet.

Here's a teaser of what's happened to keep you happy.

Stay tuned.

spoiled? yes.

Some amazing food was eaten, and some major shopping was done... Love it.

p.s. who told the driver's license division it was ok to hold people in line for an hour?

the cave of doom

I have never climbed so many rocks in my life. I spent the majority of this past week scaling the red cliffs of St. George. I even fell down one. I have a huge battle wound on my left elbow from this terrifying time. Picture in your mind the scene of me trying to scramble up the side of a smaller cliff. My hands are straining, my feet are grasping for stable footholds. I'm already worried that I won't be able to make it, even though my friends are offering words of encouragement above me. Suddenly my feet are flailing, searching for anywhere to land, my fingers can no longer support my weight, and I slide down the remainder of the cliff. Arms stinging like crazy, I clamber down the rest of the rock quickly and stand on the ground, pathetically looking up at the good climbers who actually made it to the top, defeated.

It was lucky for them I wasn't willing to give it another try... I took great pictures of everyone instead.

After I got over the shock of sliding down a cliff, I spent the rest of the day spelunking, scaling more cliffs, and watching my friends cliff dive into the freezing turquoise waters at Sand Hollow. And as I stood there at the top of a petrified sandstone mountain next to my best friends, I couldn't help but feel a little bit happy. Happy to be free, happy to be warm, happy to be surrounded by beauty.

And that is just a snapshot of the trip... let's just say I never wanted to come back.

p.s. you're reading the words of a returning EFY counselor... bring on the summer :)

little girl, you're in the middle of the ride

So, it's the first time I've had any time for myself in about a month, and I think I've gone a little bit crazy. Sitting here alone at my kitchen table, at 1:00 in the afternoon, hair still wet from the shower, having just eaten a breakfast? lunch? (brunch?) of waffles, my thoughts are a mess of tangled randomness. I find myself making faces when I remember awkward events of the past, laughing out loud when I read something funny on my laptop, and doing little dances when I hear music... either real or imagined. 

I also have a tendency to relate everything back to the amazing house Haley and I found yesterday to live in. I cannot. stop. thinking. about it. For those few of you who have been privileged to go house/apartment hunting with me, you know I get a little insane. I can't help it. I'm in love with houses. Back in the day, I was all about Interior Design. Somewhere along the line I changed my major to Elementary Education, which I feel very good about, believe me... but the only time I ever question that decision is when I walk into a house. I get this overwhelming feeling of excitement. I am a very excitable person to begin with... stick me in a house, and it all comes out. I wish I could show you pictures of the house we have chosen. I even looked it up on the internet to see if there were pictures - and there weren't - and then I had the thought that maybe I should go take pictures... but people still live there, so that might be creepy. How did this house come to be, you might ask. Well, I'll tell you. And if you aren't asking... stop reading.

Two nights ago, I was tossing and turning in my bed wondering why oh why I had such a feeling of anxiety/stress/excitement welling up inside of me. I couldn't stop thinking about where I was going to live next year. I had to find somewhere fast, or all the good places would be gone!! In a delusional state I pulled my laptop up from it's spot next to me, opened it, and immediately went to google. I found an amazing website, www.trueaggie.com, that had a whole plethora of apartment listings! Fueled with the victory of such a find, I zoomed through the list, typing in apartments and houses that looked appealing to me into my phone. Finally, with relief seeping through me, I placed my computer back where it belonged, and fell into a deep satisfied slumber. In the morning, I pulled out my phone, ignored my text messages, and went straight to the list. I had only written down THREE names. Three. And when I looked back at the website, one of my options wouldn't even work. Apparently I wasn't as successful as I had imagined. However, there was this house that I had written down. Every time I read about it, or looked at the tiny picture, I had this feeling that I just had to live there. I immediately called the number. A cheerful lady named Christine answered and asked how she could help me. In halted words (apparently my excitement caused me to lose normal language skills) I explained that I was interested in the brick house, and were there two spots available for my friend and me? She told me that there were exactly two spots, but there was another girl who had tried to send in her application but it hadn't gotten there, so if we didn't act quickly, the two spots could be gone. Of course I went into panic mode and texted Haley as quickly as possible. It turned out both of us could drop by the house when Christine told us would be the best time, so we did. 

And we fell in love.

Fell in love with the huge living room, the huge dining room, the gigantic kitchen, the staircase, the rooms upstairs with the wooden floors and slanted ceilings... everything. I tried not to act too psychotic with excitement, (me + love of houses + need to have THIS one + coincidence that we COULD have this one = weirdo) because the girl who was showing us around would be our roommate next year, and I didn't want her thinking we weren't cool.

We drove straight to the office, filled out our applications in my car, and handed them to Christine in the flesh. She was a lovely woman. 

And she told us that unless our background checks failed (Haley... you better not have a criminal past...) we would be in by the end of this week.

Sing choirs of angels.

p.s. i am terrible at country dancing.

high life scenery

I know how to be happy.

Every choice I make in my life will hopefully bring me a happier consequence.

Fear, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, anger... these are not words I use to describe how I feel often.

My friend Carli says she wants me to have a bad day. 

Sorry folks, it's not going to happen.

 Not because I don't feel all of those other feelings - I do. 

It's because I don't let them define me. 

I don't let one silly bad thing happen to me in the day, and let that change my attitude. 

It's about choice.

I think I realized something yesterday. 

I tell myself all the time that I need to be brave. 

I need to take chances, have courage, be strong. 

Be happy. 

I can't do that. 

I need to be sad sometimes. 

I need to be angry sometimes. 

I need to feel disappointed, lonely, discouraged, hurt. 

I need to be more open, more vulnerable. 

Bravery is good. 

Happiness is good. 

Trying new things is good. 

Going out of your comfort zone is good. 

Being tough is good. 

But crying is also good. 

Taking chances and being let down, putting yourself out there and getting rejected, failing... all of that can be good too.

Because let's face it, the times I have been the most happy, the most excited about life, are when things are changing for me. Changing because of a success or a failure. Changing because of a happy or a sad feeling. I need both. 

Time to grit my teeth, clench my fists, and take a stand. 

Time to be BRAVE enough to FEEL something.

p.s. I can see the sun and the blue sky right now.

justice will be served

You know, I'm probably one of the luckier people out there. (Hopefully saying that doesn't jinx me...). This past summer, when I was at EFY, I remember just feeling so happy I was about to explode! Pondering on that one day, while I sat on the chilly cement watching my kids study scriptures, I suddenly became afraid. It's not fair that I could have so much happiness. What did I do to ever deserve feeling this good all the time? Something bad will probably happen to me soon to make up for it.
Nothing bad is happening to me. I get stressed out, sure. I have like 10 papers to write that I've been procrastinating over the whole semester. So what? Who cares? I'll write them, and then it will be Christmas vacation. That's nothing to throw a fit about. I have to pay for next semester. So what? Who cares? I'll pay for it, and eventually be able to buy myself some food. I feel like I have nothing to wear. So what? Who cares? I have a billion things in my closet that are perfectly fine.
Is it SO WRONG that I happen to think my biggest trial is how I am going on way too many dates and meeting way too many cute, nice, spiritual, great boys who would love to take me out again and again? And for some reason I can't get it in my head to fall for ANY of them?
Just kidding. 
Or am I?

p.s. I'm kicking myself for not inventing better things to write about in my 100th post. I can think of at least five more things that would have made that poll more interesting. Of course you would all choose my thoughts on boys. so predictable.

Reality Check

Who am I kidding? I really have nothing to complain about.
The other day I told someone that I wasn't even sure I wanted to go to Disneyland...
Who says that?
Sure I've been on the move all summer, living out of a suitcase, and it gets exhausting.
Sure all I want to do is be at home right now...
but really?
I am so lucky. I've had amazing opportunities this summer.
I should be more thankful.
I am thankful.

Thankful for my great family, convenient job, awesome friends, higher education, nice house, entertainment, card games, clothes, church, my health... the list really does go on and on.

And you know what? I'm just going to think about that as I pack my bags yet again, and head off to Disneyland.

Suddenly I'm so much happier.

p.s. It's a proven fact that every time you smile you get happier. Even if it's a fake smile.

Smiling's my favorite!

I really just feel like letting you all know that I love

HAPPINESS.

That's all.

Have a good night :)