right now

don't be afraid to throw caution to the wind.

never pass up a chance to be magnificent.

tell people how you feel, and don't apologize.

try to hardly ever think about yourself.

you're 10x more beautiful if you throw a smile on.

love with everything you have.

lose yourself in beautiful things.

read good books, and let them change you.

work hard, and don't settle for less.

sleep when you're tired, eat when you're hungry, and laugh. as much as you want.

the reality of christmas

art by walter rane

The reality of Christmas is that - setting all presents and music and memories and parties aside - we are celebrating the most significant day in the history of the world.

"For unto you is born this day, in the city of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

After all is said and done, it's a beautiful and peaceful thing to sit back and remember why do this every year. The quiet moment when you are looking into the lights on the Christmas tree and thinking, i cannot believe this is all real.

It's unbelievable, isn't it? The fact that Christ is a real person, who was born here to save us. Each one of us. So unbelievable. Thank goodness we have Santa Clause to strengthen our belief system... :)

But honestly and truly, I was walking around Temple Square in Salt Lake City on Tuesday night, and as I watched a small portion of the Nativity scene, I couldn't help but have a moment of thinking - This REALLY happened. These things are true. Christ the Lord was born that day. Choirs of angels sang for Him. Shepherds came to Him. He was born in a manger.

The awesomeness of this story never ceases to amaze me. And the love of our Savior is even more amazing.

The fact that he came here. Even for me, just a girl, to take care of me. To show His love for me. 

For each one of us individually.

It's amazing, inspiring, wonderful, beautiful, and yes, unbelievable.

But this is something I don't just believe.

I know it.

I know it with all my still beating heart. And that knowledge is something that carries me through each day. The fact that someone up there loves me and would die for me. That no matter what happens, I am never alone.

And that is the true reason I celebrate Christmas.

i have faith, give me a reason

my sister abi and I. me being a terrible picture taker. yes, that is my finger. and my unfocused face. abi, being beautiful.

You know what I absolutely love?

The fact that faith is rewarded.

Obviously the past couple weeks have not been my best.

You probably noticed my more negative tone as of late.

And I'm sorry about that.

But I can't hide my feelings when I write.

Which I guess is one of the biggest reason that I do.

But anyway, back to the matter at hand.

There I am.

Trying desperately not to wallow in self-pity, telling myself over and over again that my trials (small as they are, large as they seem) will be over soon. The sun will come out again. I will be just as happy as I was those summer days playing pogs on the pavement.

Faith.

You see? I kept it.

I chose it.

Faith, not fear. Not discouragement. Not hopelessness. Not anger. Not sorrow.

And my faith was certainly rewarded. As it always is. Whether I ask for it or not.

And I am shown once again, the love that my Father in Heaven has for me. 

I can almost hear him saying, "See? That wasn't so bad. And now look! Look what I have for you! You're going to LOVE IT."

And you know what? I already do.

p.s. you know when you want to tell your roommate a story and then she leaves the house to get food with some boys?? yeah haley. i'm pointing my finger right at YOU! (but i can't help but love you.)

luckily in life, we have choices

picture via

I worried about that post yesterday.

I wrote it in a moment of catharsis that I sorely needed.

But things you say in moments of anger are usually things you regret.

And as I reread those lines over and over again, and asked myself if I would regret them,

the answer was no.

Certainly not.

They were things that definitely needed to be said.

If only just so that I could see them right in front of me.

Instead of having them swirling and twirling inside my head, unravelling my good thoughts and replacing them with all the would have, should have, and could haves.

So please, forgive me if it seemed harsh.

Forgive me if it seemed dramatic.

Forgive me if it seemed unwarranted.

Forgive me if it seemed pathetic.

It is what it is.

Did any of you see my friend Jenna's comment?

That was really sweet of her.

She's right you know. There is definitely a pattern.

And the scared, discouraged part of me wants to curl up in a ball and say, "I'll never find that. No one will ever treat me that way. No one will ever think I'm worth being treated that way."

And then the larger, hopelessly optimistic, faithful part of me says defiantly, "Someone will treat you that way. Someone will fall on his hands and knees to treat you that way. Someone will look at you for the first time, and know that you're worth being treated that way.

Because you are."

Well, I can choose which part to believe.

And that is something to be thankful for.

p.s. rootbeer freezes from A&W are possibly the best new treat this side of the chocolate covered strawberry.

without love, life is like the seasons with no summer... or fall?

can you see it? fall?

I woke up this morning with my stomach in all sorts of knots.

Thinking thinking thinking.

This will be the death of me.

But no need to worry.

The beautiful fall weather has just about arrived here in the gorgeous city of Logan.

Walking on campus the other day, I looked up into the branches of a tree and saw little spots of yellow on the leaves.

There it was, right in front of me! The change that autumn brings.

And let me tell you,

all I want to do lately is lay on the grass under the trees, under the stars, anywhere.

I just want to lay, and look, and soak it all in.

Sometimes that's all you need in life, right? Just a little time to slow down.

And right now, while the air is still warm, yet slightly crisp, is the perfect time.

Relax.

Enjoy the stars. Enjoy the leaves. Enjoy the grass.

Everything will be ok.

p.s. what's your favorite thing about fall?

I had time to put a braid in my hair...

here's the thing. i didn't do anything yesterday. nothing.
except help pick out a most fabulous swimsuit for a most fabulous competition for a most fabulous friend.
i went to work. for four hours.
i found out i got accepted to the elementary education level three program.
which i suppose is kind of a big deal.

and it's just,
i'm happy.

totally, and completely happy.
but there's a little nagging at my heart,
holding me back, and at the same time pushing me forward.
making me change my mind, over and over.
i feel bad about that, i really do.
but it tells me something can be better.
good, better, best.
good, better, best.
good, better, best.
i'm sorry.
i'm happy.
i'm scared.
i'm excited.
i'm ready.
i'm stuck.
i'm mean.
i'm wonderful.
i'm tired.

and i don't know what to do about any of this.
except just keep living, and loving.
and believing
that no matter what
i'll find the best.
good, better, BEST.

just for now

I love....

singing at the top of my lungs.

teaching the gospel.

laughing really hard with friends (giggle giggle giggle giggle)

bedazzling things

the part where Jude Law is crying in The Holiday

dreams about love

writing letters

sleeping in as late as I want to

buying new clothes

tomatoes

getting text messages that make me smile

feeling loved <3

hugs

kisses

the feeling after you have unpacked and your room is clean

writing on this blog

and.... dancing in the pouring rain with a good friend while a huge lightning storm lights up the sky, and a perfect playlist is the soundtrack in the background. bring on the rain.

p.s. i'm in that picture. the one in the pink dress. yay!

just me before we met

I'm back.
And this time, I mean for real.
It's over, folks. The most wonderful summer in the world is coming to a close.
EFY has come to an end, and it is a melancholy time in my life.
Half of me is overjoyed, ecstatic, leaping to be back to my own world.
The other half is curling up slowly with sadness, because such a good thing has ended.
But really, I think the excited part will win out.
There is so much in my life to be excited for.
Did I tell you I'm going to Disneyland in a week?
Did I tell you I'm moving back to Logan in three?
Did I tell you anything?
I think not.
I haven't been around for a few months.
I'll tell you everything now.
I'm back.

p.s. stay tuned for lightning storms and country dancing.

people start listening

Today my best friend since I was 13 gets married. I can hardly believe we're old enough to do such things. 

And yeah, I'm a bridesmaid.

Don't worry... I'll post pictures after the event.

For now... here's us in our glory days. (a.k.a. Freshman year of college.)

back when kissy faces were still in style.. and 80's dances were all the rage.

p.s. it's very nice when someone sends you a postcard unexpectedly.

the whole world stops and stares for a while

Ok, seriously all night the song "Perfect" by Pink has been playing in my head. 

Pretty pretty please!!! Don't you ever ever feel!!!!

Thank you, Pink, I am so glad that I am perfect to you. Which leads me to giving thanks to another artist who boosts my self esteem every time I hear his song. "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. I just could not feel better about myself than after I hear that song. Thank you for noticing the way my hair falls perfectly without me trying! I do try... really hard, actually. But Bruno, you're a sweetheart.

And yes, I'm sure that song is about me. 

But if you aren't sure that song is about me, just head over to B.O.B's song "Nothin' On You". Which I am 100% sure it is about me. And you! All of you girls out there! Beautiful girls all over the world! We are all so beautiful!

just some beautiful girls... a.k.a. me, abi, and olivia = sister love.

And while it may seem that this post is written in a sarcastic, rolling-of-the-eyes manner (just a little bit)... I actually do have a serious thought about these songs. And it relates to something my little sister Abi said after she got back from EFY last summer. 

On the EFY soundtrack, there was a beautiful song, just for the young women. It's called I Am His Daughter, and the first lines are:

"The photos in the magazines, 

don't dictate who I'm supposed to be, 

the world can't recognize, all that I am inside, 

but I know in His eyes, I am a part of the bigger picture."

It's a really beautiful song about the worth we all have as women. And when my sister got home from EFY, she was telling us all about the great experience she had, and suddenly she broke down crying when talking about this song, and said, "It's just so sad that girls have to be reminded so much about this stuff."

And it hit me that it is sad. "It's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see..."

How do we fix this?

p.s. and don't forget Selena Gomez "Who Says". Who says you're not beautiful?

along the broken road

Sitting at the front desk at work, catching up with a co-worker. I tell her my story, the condensed version because I feel like I've told it way too much lately. 

When I finish, she continues bustling around, filing papers and nonchalantly says, "Well that's no good. You want someone who won't let you go!"

I blink. 

Oh, duh.

p.s. cuz i'm country stroooonnnnggggg!!! (name that movie)

He Is Risen

I know this is true. Let's all remember what Easter is really about.

p.s. sometimes i worry about giving people presents. what if they don't appreciate it?

in a line, in a song i once heard

My mom and dad got engaged after three weeks of dating. Of knowing each other, really. First date on December 3, engaged on December 31.

That probably sounds crazy, but the crazier part is that right after they got engaged, my mom flew off to Hawaii. She was enrolled for a semester of school there, so of course she was going to go.

And the best part is, as soon as she left my dad started writing to her. He wrote her a letter every day, sometimes even more than one letter. Every single day she was gone. And now those letters are in a box upstairs, full of love.

p.s. I learned a song on the guitar today.

you don't know how lovely you are

It's getting to that stage of the year where I stop wearing a coat... just to rebel against the weather. My mom has a book about feelings related to body pain, apparently the reason my leg hurts is because I have repressed feelings of resentment. I love love. I looked at a picture of you and I realized I don't even know you anymore. I'm anxiously waiting for a charm to come in the mail. I'll be looking for a secret assignment tomorrow. Olive oil successfully cured my dry skin. I can't even imagine feeling that way. How did we get to this point? I wish I could remind you that you are good enough. Sometimes I just want to fix the world's problems. I love the sound of rain falling on the sidewalk. I was listening to Taylor Swift's "Back to December" and all of a sudden I had a shooting pain down my back. My mom's book told me that was because of feelings of regret toward someone... I think I was channeling Taylor Swift's feelings. I can't believe it's almost my birthday. I can't help but think of who I was last year at this time. Thank goodness for second chances. My six year old cousin asked me what I was like when I was her age. I said I was shorter. Sometimes I feel like this song. I got new shoes. Who am I becoming? Spring has always meant change to me. I'm not afraid of change. What does it mean to be me? What do others see when they see me? I thought I knew what that word meant, but now I'm not sure. What word? 

stop, feelings, resentment, love, anxiously,secret,

imagine, how, enough, rain, regret, believe, 

chances, becoming, change, ME?

p.s. i feel like a pedicure.

like lorelai and luke

There was a moment in my life where I thought, "I want to be with someone who I can fight with." Which is a weird thought for me, because I hate fighting. Loathe confrontation. Despise contention.

I don't fight with people. I try to be really nice for the most part. And when they are rude to me, I turn and walk the other way, because it makes me anxious.

So where did that thought come from?

I think what I meant was, I want to be with someone I can have a fight with, and know that no matter what, they will still love me.

That would be nice.

p.s. i slept on my neck weird last night. ouch!

i'm not in it to win it

Random Thoughts Recently 

(because I know you're DYING to hear them)

1. So, I was thinking. Most people say that they have the best. The best mom, the best dad, the best overall family. (as if it was a contest... what? because I would win.) We usually get overly defensive (see previous sentence in parentheses...ha) and start verbal wars about what our particular family does that makes them better than every other. And I thought to myself as I was thinking this, isn't that a GREAT, AMAZING thing?? How lucky are so many of us to think that we have the best? There's a whole ton of us crazy people walking around, defending our families honorary bestness, and that is awesome. That means that there are tons of great people out there showing love to their family. That gives me a little hope for humanity.

2. I had a thought that I don't spend a lot of time studying. I get all of my homework done, and review a little before tests... but studying? What is that supposed to mean, anyway? I'm pretty sure I missed the lesson on how to study successfully. I take a quick glance at my notes before tests and snag decent grades. Usually above average. So I just wondered... what if I DID know how to study? I would probably be a genius.

3. I pondered the fact that I should give seminars on writing papers. Cocky? Yes. There is one talent I will for sure brag about. And that is writing papers. Sure... it's a boring one. But I'll bet all you college students who have papers due are wishing they were me right now. Case in Point: I wrote ten papers in a week last semester, each one in 30-45 minutes. And I still had time to hang out and go on dates. And I got a pretty decent grade. Need tips? Give me a call.

4. I think I would hate to rule the world. There would be so many people complaining to me all day. And it's a well known fact that well known people are not always well liked. And it's not like I'm all for being the most popular girl in school (elementary school dream? yes. but you can't help it if you're at the bottom of the food chain... if you know what I mean. *elbow nudge*) but I definitely would appreciate it if people didn't hate me for ruling the world, ya know? It would be stressful.

5. Ok, maybe this isn't a thought, but I'll share it anyway. I had two tests on Monday (see Monday's post) and they were both in the same classroom. One was at 2:30, and the other at 4:30. So, in true Madeline fashion, I finish the first test in 20 minutes. Hmm... Not even 3:00 yet. I find a comfy seat in the lobby of the building and ponder my cell phone. (WHY is no one texting me? Don't they KNOW I'm bored right now? Ugh. Friends these days.) After about an hour of trying not to look like a loser (the other people are in study groups for the next test... uh... did I not get the memo?? Not like I want to study with you people anyway.) I decide to go get a drink. From the vending machine. Which I NEVER do. EVER. I meander on in and peruse the drinks. ($1.25? That's preposterous. At least I have cash for once... might as well spend it!! Yeah!! Money!!! WOOO!!!! ok.) I decide on Sprite. Because I'm boring like that. I jam the money in, and press D7, The anticipation making my hands sweat a little. (exaggeration!!) The little machine's arm reaches up and then stops, suddenly grabbing... a... SQUIRT??! That isn't what I asked for! A million scenarios fly through my head, including trying to sell the Squirt for more money to buy a Sprite, and trying to hand the drink back to the machine... it will take it, right?? So there I am, with a chilly Squirt in my sweaty palm (jk. no sweat.) Do people even drink Squirt? What is this stuff? Is it caffeinated? I squint at the machine, trying to laser it into dust with my eyes. And that's when I realize... Sprite is B7.

So I drink the Squirt.

p.s. yeah... i'm procrastinating homework right now.

love me, love me, say that you love me

Huh, is it that time of year already? The day of love, chocolate, and roses? Well I know one thing for sure... I didn't spend half my week putting together an awesome scrapbook for someone special this year. No siree. That phase of my life has passed. Thank goodness. This year (much to Haley's dismay) I am choosing not to have a boy for a Valentine. So don't bother asking me on a date... I'll say no! (However, nice treats and flowers are still acceptable.) This year, these people are my Valentine's:

Rachel... we have good awkward times together.

Haley - sorry i would choose you over boys :)

Carli and Robyn - Crli ur mi bst frnd 4evr, and Robyn I really admire you more than you know!

Jenna - I am so glad we're friends. I used to think you didn't like me. But then your winks proved me wrong.

Kamille - Always my best roommate! So glad I met you.

Abi and Olivia - Words cannot describe how grateful I am for our sisterly love.

Christopher - The only real man in my life :) Favorite children forever!

p.s. i don't think i can survive another week of school...

average skills

There comes a time in every young woman's life...

ok, maybe just in my own life. Who really knows the trials of others?

When she realizes that her life does not revolve around anyone else's. 

That her choice of whether to stay in or go out is the right choice, and if someone else is disappointed with that, it's their problem.

Does that sound horribly mean? Hopefully you'll see what I'm getting at...

I used to spend my days waiting. Waiting for the phone call, the letter, the IM, the facebook chat, the text message. 

And what good did waiting do me? Did my waiting make that boy love me more? Did my waiting make him see how special I was? How I wasn't someone he should kick to the curb so easily? Not someone to be ignored? Not someone unimportant?

I'll tell you what it did. It told him that I was someone who would wait.

For as long as it took.

Because I thought he was the greatest, and so did he.

I was taken for granted.

But now that time in my life has come... and I realize what I should have realized years ago.

No boy is worth waiting for, and the one who is won't make you wait.

Ok, so I kind of stole that from "No boy is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry" which is also a true statement...

Here's to doing your own thing, and being happy about it.

p.s. I just watched a fireworks show out my front room window.

not what i intended

so much to say, so little time.

I finally figured it out. You know, that thing I've been 

thinking about every moment of every waking hour?

And probably the sleeping hours as well?

Oh, no. You don't know. I didn't give details. 

Too bad for you!

Here goes nothing... wish me luck!

p.s. first graders are the cutest and craziest people in the world.

fine isn't good enough

I felt like ignoring my blog for the next week, and then I realized I have something I need to write. A little while ago I wrote this post for my lovely sister Abi. It's time to come clean. I have another sister. And a brother for that matter, but he will get his post in due time. 

This is for Olivia. 

Olivia, Olivia, Olivia. Where to start? I think you might be mad at me right now. It's just that it is a desperately important scarf. I need it for my great aunt who is in the hospital. Anyway, the point is, you are really great. It's crazy how different we are. I kind of like it. You have a lot going for you, you know. You're really beautiful, you're tall, you can sing and act, you are a great designer and seamstress, and I really like your obsession with books that teach you how to be a lady. Life is hard for you right now. You're in the beginning of your high school years, your best friend moved to California, and I can tell you are unsure of where you fit in. And this is what I have to say to you. Don't worry about fitting in. I promise that if you just be yourself, your crazy funny happy self, people are going to like you. You don't need a specific group. You are Olivia. You can survive without a dramatic clique of girls. I'm so proud of you for getting a lead role in Thoroughly Modern Millie. I really want to come to every single performance and see you rock Miss Dorothy like never before! I also really like that you are doing lacrosse. I can't wait to see your games. The bottom line is, you are a lot better than you give yourself credit for. You aren't fine. You aren't darling. You are beautiful, and you are great. Live up to it.

p.s. i forgot how much i love guitar hero