heart to heart

Ok, remember that post I was going to post a couple weeks ago but blogger deleted it and i haven't posted it because i'm just simply too lazy sometimes? Well, even though I should be dead asleep right now, I am going to post it. Because I really can't have this weighing on my conscience any longer. So here it goes. Basically, last summer a building counselor asked me to write down why I was an EFY counselor. So I did, and here it is, for your personal viewing.

Why I Am An EFY Counselor

I love the gospel. I know that it is true. I know that if I didn't have the gospel in my life, I would be lost. When I came to EFY as a participant, I had a testimony. I knew that the church was true, but what I didn't completely understand back then was how important that knowledge is. I didn't understand how amazing the gospel is, or what it does for me. I assumed that my Heavenly Father loved me, and that I was a daughter of God, but it hadn't really impressed me yet. I believed that Heavenly Father heard and answered my prayers, but I didn't realize the comfort that could bring, knowing that he WANTED to hear and answer my prayers. I went to church and listened to my teachers, but I didn't apply anything to my life. After EFY, it was like the gospel truly came to life for me. I had a greater identity, and sense of purpose because I realized the importance of the gospel, and what it is truly about. It's about the love that our Father in Heaven has for us, and the opportunity He is giving us to live here and learn and come back to Him. The opportunity to become like Him. EFY taught me that it takes effort to get back to Him, but it also taught me how to do it. Searching the scriptures, obeying the commandments, praying, loving others. It taught me to be a better person! My goal as an EFY counselor is to make sure that the youth entrusted to me go home knowing why they are here. That they all have a purpose, and that they are SO loved by their Heavenly Father. I want each of them to know that He wants them back, and I want to show them how to get there. If I help one person this whole summer understand their worth and purpose, that is enough. I know that this gospel is true, and I love sharing it with these youth. I love them so much, and I wan them to know, with ALL of my heart, that they are children of their Heavenly Father who loves them. That is why I am a counselor.

p.s. if you are in the market for a sweet kitten, let me know.

so sentimental, not sentimental no

When I was twelve, I got a beautiful bracelet in an class auction at school. One of the popular girls had made it, and I thought it was the best ever. It had round pink beads, and I loved twirling it around my wrist. The first weekend I had it, I was at a cabin with a couple families. I was outside, twirling away, when all of a sudden the elastic broke, and the beads flew everywhere. Inside I was devastated, but when the other girls expressed their sadness about the bracelet breaking, I acted like it wasn't a big deal and continued on.

Just a bracelet, right?

It would be nice if no one could hide their emotions. I think the world would be a lot more honest, and there would be a lot less miscommunication.

p.s. last week of classes...

a case of bad driving

Today I walked into my EFY Counselor Interview an hour late. Do you want to know how this happened? Silly readers, you should know me well enough by now to know you won't get the details. It involved leaving on time, being blinded by the sun, and getting stuck in traffic. That's all I'm telling you. I played through twenty levels of Unblock Me on my new iTouch before the eight, that's right, EIGHT, interviewers exited the room. I marched right up to them and explained my situation. They smiled sympathetically and two of them took me into a room for my own private interview. It was good, I was enthusiastic, and they asked questions. They asked me to share a scripture I thought the youth should know, and teach them why it was important. I chose Joshua 1:9, which may seem redundant since it was last summer's theme scripture, but it has been my favorite since high school. 

And now I realize, I haven't been taking my own advice. I sit here blogging about it like I know what I'm saying, I send friends and family out into the world believing my words. And what does it really mean? It means nothing. Because I can't even believe it myself. I've turned right back into my high school self before the scripture. I'm in front of you, smiling, but I'm inside my invisible box. The shield I hold around myself to keep me from feeling anything important. I took it down for a while there, but the effort was too much, and it's been back up ever since that chilly October night when I promised myself that I didn't care.

And now it's time for the box to be destroyed.

I need to take yoga again.

p.s. Carli, I still have a bandana that you gave me at girls camp. Do you want that back?

To Kids From 1 to 92

Here's the deal. I love Christmas. I blame it on my dad. He's a gung-ho Christmas man with a plan, and he's the reason my house looks like a Christmas wonderland. I feel the same way as he does. I love Christmas with all my heart. It isn't about the day, and the presents and all of that. It's about the whole spirit! I often say that I still believe in Santa Clause, and I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's because I really truly wish with all my heart that he was there at the North Pole. That sounds so cheesy and silly, but I can't help but wish there was a little bit of magic in the world. And that is what I love about Christmas, that even though there might not be any elves working away, no naughty-or-nice lists, and no fat old man eating the cookies on that plate in the living room, I can still feel the magic. The spirit of the season. We don't have to have Santa up there preparing for take-off with his reindeer, we make our own holiday magic. We remember what this holiday is all about, and we give each other things, help each other out, sing songs, write cards... it's all about the spirit and the magic. I have always, and will always believe in Santa Clause.

Now here's something my dad reads to us every year. Enjoy!

Dear Editor-

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. 
Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth,
is there a Santa Claus?
   Virginia O'Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the 
skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They
think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little 
minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's are little.
In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his
intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured
by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and 
generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give 
life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! How dreary would be the world if 
there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no
Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance
to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except
in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world
would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You
might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on 
Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa 
Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, 
but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in 
the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you 
ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no 
proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the 
wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world. 

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what make the noise inside, but 
there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest men, 
nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived 
could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that 
curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is 
it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this  world there is nothing else real and 
abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! He lives and lives forever. A thousand years 
from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue 
to make glad the heart of childhood.

p.s. now you should listen to this song. 

your world is my world

 About a week ago, I was talking to my good friend Logan Smith. He was complaining (like many of you out there) that my blog was much too cryptic, and what if he really wanted to know something? I rolled my eyes and responded that if he wanted to know something, all he would have to do is ask. Because if you all remember, I only tell the truth. You all just haven't asked the right questions! So, I challenged Logan to write up a list of questions - an interview of sorts - and I would answer it for him. I get the privilege of coming up with questions for him as well, check it out here.

Let's begin the interview:

Can I just start off by saying what an honor it is to be able to have this interview with you? Madeline Newhouse you have been blogging off and on over the past year, I bet it feels good to be reaching that 100th post. In honor of your achievement we have decided to give you a short interview, to help your readers learn a little bit more about you. Now let’s get going, we have a lot to cover.

To start things off, many people say that you are too cryptic in your blogs; what do you have to say to these people, and why do you choose to withhold so much information? What is one thing that you have almost posted the most, but keep choosing not to divulge? Well, Logan, to these people I would say, what exactly is it that you're hoping I'm going to say whenever I'm cryptic? And the thing I've been the most cryptic about is definitely my relationships... because you know what? It's none of your business :)
Now let’s really dive in deep:

Who is your favorite superhero? That would definitely be a toss-up between Iron Man, Batman, and Wolverine. (Robert Downey Jr., Christian Bale, and Hugh Jackman respectively. You do the math.)
Favorite color? Favorite color is yellow, can you tell?
What made you decided to major in El-Ed? It's a really long story so I'll just say that I have always been plagued with feelings that I should be a teacher, and after ignoring them for 19 years I decided to follow my heart.
What is the craziest vacation that you have ever been on? I don't know if this is "crazy" but I've been to Denmark, and that's kind of random.
Where would you go to if you could travel anywhere outside of the US? GREECE!!!!! I get that crazy falling in love feeling whenever I think about Greece.
What is the worst job that you have ever had, why? I've never had a bad job, because I always do whatever I want.
What makes your family so cool? We love each other.
Now let’s move on to the topic of boys…oh goodie....
Who would you say was your first boyfriend, how long did that last? My first boyfriend was named James. I was in second grade at Shirley Elementary School in Oregon. He gave me half of a yin-yang necklace. He had the other half. I'd say it lasted a couple weeks.In the end I wanted someone who could give me more expensive jewelry.
First kiss: good, bad, so so, magical, terrible; Why? I don't remember it that well, however, I remember clearly thinking, "kissing is weird"
10 adjectives to describe your dream guy? Spiritual giant, Really nice, Funny, Confident, Smart, Healthy, Thoughtful, Creative, Good fashion sense, Tall-Dark-and Handsome
How would you rate yourself currently on the Marriage Hungry scale? 0-----10
0=Please stay away
10="I have already set our date on the first date" Hahahahaha... Definitely an 11. I already have the date set, wedding planned, and thank-you cards ready. Just kidding. Or am I?
What is the dream happily ever after ending for your life? To die on a secret mission involving mystery, intrigue, true love, and a couple sword fights.
What is your biggest goal? My biggest goal is to be a good mother
What is one hilarious secret you know? I don't keep secrets, and I don't tell secrets.
What was the best year of your life, why? I would have to say... 2010. My years just keep getting better and better! This was the best year because I learned a ton of life lessons, had the best summer of my life going to Nauvoo, doing EFY, Disneyland, Family Vacation, and started my Junior year of college.
What are your thoughts on awkwardness? I'm a fan. I instigate it on purpose sometimes.
And last of all, If you had three wishes what would they be?
(I hope you know standard genie rules and do not ask for more wished.) I would wish for world peace, my family to always be happy, and enough money to own Anthropologie.
Well Madeline thank you so much allowing us the time to come in and interview you. I hope that you are able to really take full advantage of the Winter break, and that you have a wonderful holiday season with your family.

So there you have it! Thanks for the interview Logan, I hope you learned what you wanted to.

p.s. The events depicted are fictional. Any similarity to actual people or events is purely coincidental. (Or are they?)

I work for the CIA

A few of you have commented on how cryptic I am in my blog. The truth is, almost every time I say something extremely cryptic, it didn't start out that way. I usually wrote a huge blog detailing every bit of the story. And then I read it, and deleted it. Replaced it with a cryptic message that only I understand.
It's because what I write is who I really am. It's because I think you don't really want to know. It's because I think when people ask how I am, all they want to hear is "good". Probably not true, but I think it anyway.

I just have this mentality that usually people don't really care. And believe me, I've studied up on this one.
Has someone ever asked you a question, and then as you're answering it, they get distracted? They forget all about what they asked you, and move on to something else. Usually, when their attention is back to you, you would continue the conversation, right? I don't. I just pretend nothing happened, and usually the person I'm talking to has no idea. It happens all the time. I probably do it to people too. To me, that just means they didn't care that much about their question or my answer.

When it comes to blogging, I feel like I'm just spouting off personal information that is near and dear to my own heart, but that other people might just brush aside. And that makes me a little scared. That people would know what my heart is feeling, and they don't care. Because I care a lot.

So I don't write it.
Should I change?


p.s. my analysis of boys in general?? Really, people?! That's what you want to hear? ugh.

if I throw my hands up any more they're going to fly off

First of all... I'M BACK.
And now, I just have to spout some words of wisdom for all of you less-wise people out there. Listen, learn, take it to heart. Here's something my mother told me all growing up:

PLAY THE MOVIE ALL THE WAY THROUGH

Some of you may be scratching your heads, staring at the words and wondering what they mean. Well, I could break it down for you word for word, but I'm going to allow you the benefit of the doubt. It means looking ahead to see all the consequences of your actions. And let me tell you, this is probably the best advice I can give anyone. And let me also tell you that I am extremely good at playing the movie all the way through. In fact, I'm a little too good at it. Ask me about any scenario and I can tell you all the ways it could play out based on the decision you make. Now, some of you may be laughing quietly to yourselves and saying, "well, why didn't you play the movie all the way through when you got the assignment to do those ten essays on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL??" And to you I would say, I did play the movie all the way through. I saw the consequence. I saw the future. I saw myself during dead week, cramming two or three essays in each day before the due date. And let me tell you, I shook my head at myself for being so terrible and procrastinating so badly. But I knew it would happen, and I accepted the consequence. Now, for other things, I'm not so willing to accept the consequence, so I change my actions. And that is the moral of the story. Is this a story? I'm not sure.

Ok, what I really want to say is that my mom is always right. Always. And today I did something that she's been trying to tell me to do for years and years. And it felt so good. I practically skipped to the library today to write my final essays. I had a smile on my face. I felt amazing. And it's because of these two words and an emoticon I received in a text message after I finally said what I should have said ages ago... "good answer :)"

Here's to saying what you need to say and playing the movie all the way through. My mom's a genius.

p.s. Why do I think dancing like a super dork is cool? Oh, because I just don't care.

three, two, one, ACTION

I was watching Little Women with my sisters one day, many years ago. At the end, there's this pivotal moment when Jo reveals to the German Professor that she is not married, and she actually really likes him. They kiss in the rain under an umbrella, and live happily ever after. My little sister starts singing, "What is love, but a kiss on a rainy day? A smile that won't go away? A safe place to run..."

I was unsurprised that she started singing. We sing a lot. I said, "Abi! That's a good song! Did you just make that up?"

She tilted her head, "No, it's on one of my CD's."

My mom is sitting at the kitchen table, scrapbooking supplies spread all around. I walk over, and sit down on the chair, tucking my knees under my chin. We laugh at pictures from last year, and reminisce about how much things have changed. My little brother shuffles past us decked out in all of his snow gear, eyes peeking through a face mask. He slams the door behind him, and dives into the snow face first. My mom holds up a picture from last Thanksgiving at the cabin. There's a one person difference this year. "He was pretty fun, you know."

"Yeah, I miss him!" Olivia volunteers from the chair next to me.

I agree that he was fun, entertaining, very cute. Then I press my lips together and look outside.

My mom asks where my brother is.

I tell her I can't see him at the moment.

"Well go look! There could be an avalanche!"

"Mom, we're not on a mountain, where would the avalanche come from?"

"They can come out of nowhere!!"

My brother ran up the steps and smashed his face into the window dramatically.

I'm laying on the carpet staring at the ceiling. Thinking. There's a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, something I've felt before, but I can't quite put my finger on it. He comes back up the stairs and considers me a moment, "What are you doing?"

"I'm laying on the floor."

He sets down the spatula and lays down next to me. Brushes my hair with his finger. I turn and look him in the eyes. "What's up?"

He says, "I think I have a hard time connecting with people. I'm not good at letting others in."

I nod. I have that problem too.

"How do you fix that? Do you know?"

"My dad told me that I put a wall up. When people start getting close to me, I put up the wall. No access. So I decided that I would start working on trusting people more. I think it comes down to trust. Not being afraid to be vulnerable."

"Yeah, but how do you start doing that? Trusting people?"

I start to answer, but there's a knock on the door.

It's the internet guy.

If love in movies is just made up, then where did all the ideas for the movies come from?

p.s. i wonder what it's like to get in a fight.

Where Did I Come From? Why Am I Here? Where Am I Going?

My name is Madeline. I'm the kind of girl who likes to be spontaneous. I would like to spend a day in a tree house. I love new clothes, especially from Anthropologie and Hip & Humble. The only person I completely confide in on this earth, is my mother. I always tell the truth. It's a weird thing, but when it comes to lying, I can't open my mouth. Therefore, I will never lie just to make someone feel better. I don't like all the attention on me. I'll never volunteer to be first to do something, in fact, I usually end up being the last person. I gave up designing houses to teach little children. I often wonder what it would be like to be famous. I used to be afraid of roller coasters, but then I decided that I wasn't having any fun, so now I really like them. Growing up, I was the nerdy, shy girl. I didn't get my first kiss until I was eighteen. I don't like getting my hopes up about things, because I don't like being disappointed. I prefer to always be happy, so I don't let things affect me in a negative way. I don't voice my opinion a lot unless I am very passionate about it. When I was in seventh grade my favorite TV show was Even Stevens, and Shia LaBeouf was my first celebrity crush. Since that time period, I have always had a weakness for curly haired boys. I'm not much of a second chance kind of girl, once I make a decision, I stick to it. If I could go anywhere on vacation, it would be to Greece. I don't like gross humor, or humor when someone gets hurt. I'm not a big video-gamer, but I enjoy mario-kart and Super Smash Bros. And I will play the wii anytime, anyplace. (and I will beat you.) I don't have a competitive bone in my body except for when I play wii tennis, or when I play card games. Shooting hoops and playing the piano are stress relievers. Kristen Wiig is my hero. I'm a little obsessed with nature. I find it to be the most moving experience to be outside, especially when I'm alone and it's quiet. I don't appreciate gossiping at all. There are very few things that make me legitimately angry. One of those things is people treating others badly. My biggest weakness is laziness. When I'm sad or stressed, I don't eat. I love the gospel more than anything. In my opinion, either The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is TRUE or it isn't. There isn't any in between. You can't pick and choose doctrine that you like. It's all or nothing. I'm really a pretty big dork sometimes, but my philosophy is that if you play it off with confidence, and act like what you are doing is totally normal and possibly cool, no one will notice. The moment you show any sign of doubting yourself, that's when people wonder what in the heck you are doing. I don't believe in being afraid. A life lived in fear is no life at all. I'm a naturally excited person, and I think sometimes this throws people off. The truth is, I can't wait to be a mother someday. I love adventure movies and books. I can't wait to be done with school. And mostly, thinking of my future brings me a huge thrill. Who knows what will happen next?

p.s. If you read all of that, that's amazing.

pickled plums, oysters, potted meat, and tootsie rolls

It is November everybody. NOVEMBER.

This weekend was a good one. I love Halloween. I love spending it with friends, dressing up like a gross creepy clown, watching others eat disgusting food, playing mafia, and tossing a little USU Basketball in there didn't hurt anything either.

In other news, I've been blessed with much personal revelation over the past few days. I'll share it here, because I haven't gotten around to writing in my journal yet, and I don't want to forget. And like most of my posts, I'll find joy in making my personal thoughts so cryptic that you all like it, but I'm the only one who understands.

1. I have everything I need.

2. I need to use everything I have.

3. I can always be better.

4. It's MY choice, not anybody else's.

p.s. i dare you to ask me how much pumpkin spice cake i've eaten in the past 2 days...

It's A Love Story, Baby Just Say YES

Time to come clean.

I still love Taylor Swift, and I don't care who knows it!

That girl sure knows how to sing about fairytales. Maybe that's why I love her, because I still believe in fairytales too :)

"'Speak now or forever hold your peace,' the words said by preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows. It's a last chance for protest, a moment that makes everyone's heart race, and a moment I've always been strangely fascinated by. So many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they'd kept inside for years like in the movies. In real life, it rarely happens.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say 'I love you.' When we should've said 'I'm sorry.' When we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help..."

-Taylor Swift

So here's to speaking now... In the words of John Mayer (who Taylor was rumored to have dated... haha) "Say what you need to say"

p.s. Happy Halloween.

All the things I keep inside.

I don't want to work hard. Sometimes I feel like a whale. I wish I knew how to do my hair. I feel unmotivated. I procrastinated that paper so long I don't know if I'll ever do it. I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be. Don't expect a second date. I'm only going for the food. You are really annoying me right now. I hate it when you talk badly about other people. I just want to go shopping all day. I care more about sleep than homework. Who cares what so-and-so said to so-and-so? I feel like I don't fit in. I pretend that I'm happy all the time because I think that's what people expect me to be all the time. I didn't feel bad when I said that to you. Thank you for the cute outfit mom! My life is important too. Just because I'm not dating that kid anymore doesn't mean I like you now. I think you are interesting. I realized I forget to be myself. I'm trying to be myself. I feel like playing a prank on you. I'm tired of talking to you. I should write in my journal. I should do my homework. I wish I was the type of person who could sing in front of everyone. If I could have any talent I would be able to dance. I realized it wouldn't work when you left me alone on the dance floor. I'm still sad about that. It doesn't matter, because everything is already looking better, I am happy, I'm not pretending. I'm not afraid, I'm not lazy, I'm not dumb, I'm not untalented, I'm not boring, I'm not a whale, I'm not unhappy, I'm not dreaming. This is life.

p.s. You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you.

It's not me, It's you.

There are a lot of things that I know to be true. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only true church on the earth. I know that my family loves me. I know that an education is important. I know that the sun rises in the east. I know where the stars form the big dipper. I know that dreams come true. I know that everything happens for a reason, that I am here for a reason. And I know that, no matter what, everything is going to turn out ok.

I've noticed that a lot of people are afraid. We all have something that we are afraid of, that keeps us from doing things that actually could end up being good for us. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I used to let that hold me back. One day I realized, that if I keep letting fear rule my life, I'm not going to get anywhere I want to be. Because EVERYTHING in life that is worth anything is going to require some effort. It's going to be risky, it's going to be challenging, it's going to be hard. But the point is that it IS worth it. Everyone gets so sidetracked by the little steps in life, all they can see is the path right in front of them. What people need to do, is pick up their heads and look straight at what they are headed for. Can you do it? Of course you can. If it means a lot to you, you can get anything you want in life.

I believe in fairytales. I believe that if I keep trying, I'm going to get exactly what I want out of life. I don't let fear rule my life, I let FAITH rule my life. No matter what happens, I have faith that I will be just fine. Better than fine. Trials are but a small moment. Pure happiness comes to those who make an effort to find it. Love comes to those who are prepared for it. I've seen way too many of my friends hold themselves back because of fears, and I just want to shake some sense into them! Broken hearts hurt, but they teach a lot.

It's worth it. Go for it. Be brave. Take the steps. Faith, not fear.

I'm having a great time being brave! Go ahead and join me. :)

p.s. I'm making sunday dinner tomorrow. Wish me luck!