letter to the editor

this is me at work. i took the liberty of making a collage for your viewing pleasure. so there you have it. enjoy!

I'm not taking it back.

Oh, no. 

I meant every word I said.

But words in the heat of the moment aren't the only ones I have.

And the harder ones to say, the ones of love, they're still here.

Scarier to write or say.

Scarier because they're more real.

But I'll say them. Why not? 

I ran everyone through with a spear of words, so I might as well put a band aid on it.

You made me laugh. I loved the way we could sit and talk for hours, and it never got old. I loved the cute way you asked to hold my hand, and when you taught me how to play Halo. I have to admit when I think of you, I do focus on the bad times. Because it makes me so sad to remember the good. The sincerity in your eyes when you asked me not to go away to school. To stay with you forever. Laying in your driveway... didn't you know that's why I loved that day so much? I loved the way you saved me. You were exactly what I needed. I was broken and you fixed me. You taught me not to settle. I loved what a good person you were. Good to the core. Always there to help, always there to take care of me. I loved that you caught me off guard, loved the way you made me nervous. I love the way we talked, unafraid to say anything to each other. I could be myself around you. I loved the way you said sweet things to me. And all the plans we made. How things seemed to fall into place so perfectly. I loved how funny you were. How you made me remember what it was like to have a crush on someone. And you. I loved not knowing what was going to happen next. I loved flirting with you, joking with you, laughing with you. And I loved feeling safe around you, trusting you.

You all taught me a little something.

And I love you for it.

p.s. christmas music is playing in my head... bad? good? i don't care. it makes me happy.

anonymous

Hey you. Yes, you. Gave me my first kiss and then got back together with your ex-girlfriend a week later. I hated that. That sucked. Really, pretty heartless, you know? And I heard you didn't treat her that well either. Well, whatever. Forget you. And oh yeah, can't forget you. You forgot me. All the time. Bottom of the priority list... all the time. I've never cried so much in my whole life compared to that time with you. And so what? You, who appeared to have everything, but couldn't see it right in front of you. Pushed me aside because everything else in the world was more important. And how about you? Getting mad at me because I couldn't decide what I wanted. Forcing me to decide I didn't want you. And maybe it's so annoying to me that you worked so hard to get me to like you that when I finally did, it wasn't enough for you. I was too nice to you. Whatever. And how was I supposed to know that you were treating every girl exactly the same as me? I was stupid to think that I was somehow more special in your eyes. Oh well. The whole time I thought that you were the one for me, but when I gave you the option of sticking around, you ran away as quick as possible. Well thanks. Thanks for making it really easy for me to forget about you. And as far as you go, I liked you. Don't sit there and make it sound like I had it wrong the whole time, like I was dumb for believing you liked me too. I deserve a lot more respect than for you to act like nothing happened between us. But if that's how you want it, fine.

I'm done.

(but really though, I'm not done... eh eh eh eh let's go!!... name the song.)

p.s. you know those times when you know exactly what you're going to say, but when you get to the situation, your words disappear? this is an ode to that feeling. get it all out there.

hopelessly

It was one of those spring nights in Logan. You know, the one where the air is warmer than it has been, so you want to be outside, but still slightly chilly. And you're fighting the shivers as if to say to the atmosphere, "I am not going to feel how you want me to feel."

So we're sitting on the steps of my porch. My roommates are inside, laying on their mattresses in the living room, laughing at the television.

It's kind of surreal, me, looking at the stars, and you, looking anywhere but me. I knew this was coming. For the past two weeks I've been trying to prevent it. By doing all the wrong things, apparently.

"My roommates love you," you say. 

But not you, I think.

"You're so great. So fun to be around."

Not fun enough, I think.

"You've been so nice to me these past two weeks. Nicer than I've been to you."

Yes. This is how it always ends. Me being too nice. Since when was that such a bad thing?

"And it's just, we're going separate ways. I'm staying here, and you're leaving and going off to EFY and such. And I just don't see myself driving down to see you. I'm going to stay here."

And I want to tell you that I hate this. Not the fact that you and I are ending. Just the fact that you don't think I'm worth driving for. You aren't excited enough to see me that it matters to you. That I've been so nice lately, you haven't had a chance to miss me. And I want to tell you that I'm not ok with it, that I'm sick of being the person in the relationship who actually cares enough to make an effort. And when will I ever find a boy who thinks I'm worth it?

But I don't say that.

"Ok," I say, "If that's what you want."

But the atmosphere collects my real thoughts. I'm not going to feel how you want me to feel.

p.s. harry potter in imax today? don't mind if i do.

i just came to say hello

A question I get most often from my friends is, "How do you get over boys?" And sometimes I feel like I'm the worst person in the world to ask. Because frankly, it doesn't take me that long. 

Haha... that sounded heartless.... but look at it this way. I date boys, and so far, it hasn't worked out. This doesn't mean it will NEVER work out, it just means that it hasn't yet. It is so so easy to fall into the trap of, "I date so many boys, and none of them work out! Maybe something is wrong with me???" 

That's wrong. The truth of the matter is, not every single boy you date (or girl, if you are a boy who is reading this...) is going to be THE ONE. In fact, you'd better hope not all of them are, because that would be super duper stressful. 

The reason that we date people is to LEARN something. I can look back at each of my relationships and say this worked, and this definitely did not. And with this knowledge, I approach a new relationship stronger and smarter than before. 

It's hard, really hard, to have a break up with somebody. You're used to them around. They text you, call you, cuddle with you, kiss you, make you feel special... and suddenly they are gone. You don't have the "we" factor anymore. If there is one thing I make sure to stress to my friends who ask me about break-ups, I tell them that they need some time by themselves. Being with your boyfriend (or girlfriend) becomes so normal and comfortable, that you forget how to be alone. How to be by yourself, just you, no one else. 

Another thing that I don't do is wallow. I just don't. I don't want to. I just can't be that person who crawls into bed and cries for days on end over what could have been. I definitely cry, but there is a moment when the tears have just got to stop... time to move on.

 I don't want to be the person who says, "remember that time when we did this and it was so so perfect and I thought maybe we would be together forever??" I want to be the person who says, "I remember that time, things were really good, and I was happy. But I also remember that time that things weren't so great, and I would like to not go through that again." 

I have to look at both sides of the story. If you get stuck remembering the good times, you won't learn what you're supposed to from the relationship.

And lastly, I look forward to the future. Every time I have a break up, I can't help but be weirdly excited for the next boy to come along. Like, "oh! That didn't work out this time, which means...*excited pause* something even better is around the corner!!!!" 

Because it is! Something better is always coming. 

So I jump right back into life, full speed ahead. That's the easiest way for me to get over it, is just living in the present and looking forward to the future instead of dwelling in the past. 

So there you have it (even if you didn't ask for it), my steps to getting over a boy (or girl??).

To recap:

1: Learn to be yourself again.

2: Focus on the whole picture.

3: Look forward to the future.

4: Take the lesson you were meant to learn, and use it!

p.s. i got the white iphone 4 and i kind of really love it.

a little bit stronger

Interesting fact about me:

Sometimes I get feelings about things. Or I'll have a little thought, and I just know what is going to happen. For instance, every time a boy is going to kiss me, I wake up that morning with the thought, "he is going to kiss me today". And one time, my friend Kamille was very worried about what score she was going to get on her test, and the thought popped into my head, "84". So I told Kamille not to worry because she was going to get an 84%. Lo and behold... what score did Kamille get? You got it.

And last night, when I was sitting on the couch, laughing with friends about milk analogies, I just had a thought. 

And, as usual, I was right.

But you know, it's ok. I can't help but be excited for the future! Who knows what will happen this summer? I have a feeling it's going to be good.

There's just something about the end that makes me so ready for the beginning...

p.s. remember that time Sean Kingston came to Logan? Uhh...

and so you sailed away

I stood there, blinking up at him, feeling my world crashing down around me, and finding it strange that it was all happening in my bedroom. One of those moments when you look at someone and it strikes you as very odd that this is really happening... this is real life.

Those words, telling me that it was over. My tears, an unintentionally clever disguise telling him that I was wounded. There was something sad about the moment, no doubt. Sadness came in the form of something being over. But even stronger came the relief. The relieved feeling that flooded through me, lifting a weight off my shoulders that I hadn't even noticed I had acquired over the last eight and a half months.

And I told him I was sad. I told him the truth. But I didn't tell him that it was wrong. Because we both knew it was long overdue. No questions, no regrets, no what-ifs... we had run the course.

We can still be friends, he said.
And I smiled, a sympathetic smile, and gently told him that being friends is really hard.
I was right.

p.s. why is writing so much more fun at 3 in the morning?

maybe i'm trying too hard

My eyes flutter open to someone's fingers running through my hair. I smile because I haven't felt this happy in a long time. Whatever cloud was hanging over me a week ago has lifted. And now on my way home, I couldn't be more ready to start whatever journey is next.
We start talking. Anything and everything. He wants to know more about me. Where I have come from, who I am, where I am going. I just laugh and dodge most of  his questions, because if there's one thing that makes me uncomfortable it's talking about myself for too long.
After a while we start talking relationships. It comes out that both of us were recently involved with somebody, but we brush over that quickly. He then looks me in the eyes, "I'm kind of a heart breaker."
I look back at him, feeling a scared clenching feeling inside... but my heart is already broken, so I shrug it off and laugh. Then I ask him to elaborate.

We're sitting on my porch in the cool summer night air. It's been the perfect day, but a question nags inside. I lean back on my arms and stretch my legs out on the warm cement. When we do start talking, it comes out naturally. Something both of us have been thinking for a while. I feel a little on edge, listening closely as he casually walks around the real issue at hand. At the end of the conversation, I feel better... but as I tell my mom about it later, I realize I still don't have my answer.

Tears threatening my eyes make me angry, and I slam the car door shut. He walks me to the door like always, but I barely touch him when he hugs me. We say good-bye and I place my hand on the cold door handle. "I'm kind of a heart breaker" rings in my ears.
I'm kind of a heart breaker.
I'm kind of a heart breaker.
I'm kind of a heart breaker.
Well he wasn't going to break my heart. Not even a chance.

p.s. i want spring time.

sitting, waiting, wishing

"I forgot part of your present at my house, so I'll have to give it to you tomorrow. Is that ok?" He asks smiling at me.
I'm disappointed, because I was looking forward to the present, but also relieved because that means that he does really want to see me tomorrow. I nod. "What part did you forget?"
"The card... it's probably a good thing, because it was really badly written," he chuckles and rolls his eyes at himself.
I feel a moment of panic - I have to have that card. I have to know what he wrote to me. His thoughts about me. What he wants to say to me. "You better give it to me," I say in the most commanding voice I can muster. He just laughs and changes the subject.
We're sitting in a restaurant for my birthday dinner. It's warm outside, and I think the warmth of the evening combined with spending my birthday with someone I care about has me in good spirits. I rub the fabric of my yellow skirt and cross my ankles while I listen to him tell me about his week.
He asks me something about myself, and for some reason a weird feeling comes over me. I smile softly at him, "You don't really care about that," I hear myself saying.
"What do you mean?" he asks, looking confused.
"If you cared, you would have asked me about it a while ago. You would have spent more time talking to me about it. You would have called me. Texted me."
Tension clouds our little table. Suddenly he looks smaller to me.
He sinks back in his chair. "Maybe I won't give you that card after all."

p.s. totally had to stay home from school today because i was dying of sickness.

cold fingertips

I think my love-giver ran out of batteries.
That's the text message I just sent to my friend Carli.
What's wrong with me?
Everyone keeps saying nothing. But I feel weird.

Sitting on a rock, my fingers numb from climbing. It's been unseasonably warm, and we're definitely taking advantage of that. I brush my hair out of my face and glance at him with a silly smile. He's talking to me about my SOIL 2000 class that I should be going to soon. I can't really concentrate, because I'm still getting nervous butterflies from thinking about two days ago... and how that's probably going to happen again right now. I don't know if I can do it again! I'm not very good at kissing I don't think. Not my fault, it was my first time. I turn and smile at him again. Just as I feel it coming, I look away. Nervous laughter. I am cold on the way home.

I had come home for the billionth weekend of my sophomore year of college. Two hours spent pretending everything was perfect. Telling him not to leave, because I came home for him, and I knew it was the last time I'd see him before I went back. Wishing he'd say he never wanted to go. Watch him walk away from me and up the stairs. That heavy feeling clenches my heart. I walk dizzily down the hallway, up the stairs, through the kitchen. Watch him slip his shoes on. Hand on the door handle. I feel so frustrated, so helpless. Why am I the only one trying to make this work? I hold out my arms, a surrender, a plea. He shuffles over like his feet are made of lead, and pulls me in. I make myself believe it's real. But when he pulls away, and I don't let go, I see the look on his face. I say good-bye. Watch him get in his car and drive away. My forehead and nose make a print on the window.

I'm so done with this, I'm thinking on the way home. What was he thinking? I knew it was over the moment that happened. So sad. I really thought we were meant to be. Oh well, I haven't been feeling it for the past week. All he talks about is watering his trees, buying furniture, and how he doesn't need a TV. He says he can't commit to me. He doesn't see himself getting married for a long time. But we don't have to talk about that right now, he smiles like it's not a big deal. I raise my eyebrows. Yes, we do have to talk about this right now. He looks surprised, and then launches into his speech. I nod, uh huh, yeah, makes sense, so does this mean we're breaking up? He says, I don't like to put labels on things. We'll still be good friends. I nod, and start getting out of the car. He asks if he can walk me to the door, and with much more force than I meant I say, why wouldn't you? Now he's really uncomfortable. He walks me up and gives me a good friends side-hug. I push open the door, and stand in the middle of the entryway, my mom looks up from the couch.

My love-giver isn't out of batteries.
I was wrong.
It just hasn't met its match yet.

p.s. I love only having one final.

three, two, one, ACTION

I was watching Little Women with my sisters one day, many years ago. At the end, there's this pivotal moment when Jo reveals to the German Professor that she is not married, and she actually really likes him. They kiss in the rain under an umbrella, and live happily ever after. My little sister starts singing, "What is love, but a kiss on a rainy day? A smile that won't go away? A safe place to run..."

I was unsurprised that she started singing. We sing a lot. I said, "Abi! That's a good song! Did you just make that up?"

She tilted her head, "No, it's on one of my CD's."

My mom is sitting at the kitchen table, scrapbooking supplies spread all around. I walk over, and sit down on the chair, tucking my knees under my chin. We laugh at pictures from last year, and reminisce about how much things have changed. My little brother shuffles past us decked out in all of his snow gear, eyes peeking through a face mask. He slams the door behind him, and dives into the snow face first. My mom holds up a picture from last Thanksgiving at the cabin. There's a one person difference this year. "He was pretty fun, you know."

"Yeah, I miss him!" Olivia volunteers from the chair next to me.

I agree that he was fun, entertaining, very cute. Then I press my lips together and look outside.

My mom asks where my brother is.

I tell her I can't see him at the moment.

"Well go look! There could be an avalanche!"

"Mom, we're not on a mountain, where would the avalanche come from?"

"They can come out of nowhere!!"

My brother ran up the steps and smashed his face into the window dramatically.

I'm laying on the carpet staring at the ceiling. Thinking. There's a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, something I've felt before, but I can't quite put my finger on it. He comes back up the stairs and considers me a moment, "What are you doing?"

"I'm laying on the floor."

He sets down the spatula and lays down next to me. Brushes my hair with his finger. I turn and look him in the eyes. "What's up?"

He says, "I think I have a hard time connecting with people. I'm not good at letting others in."

I nod. I have that problem too.

"How do you fix that? Do you know?"

"My dad told me that I put a wall up. When people start getting close to me, I put up the wall. No access. So I decided that I would start working on trusting people more. I think it comes down to trust. Not being afraid to be vulnerable."

"Yeah, but how do you start doing that? Trusting people?"

I start to answer, but there's a knock on the door.

It's the internet guy.

If love in movies is just made up, then where did all the ideas for the movies come from?

p.s. i wonder what it's like to get in a fight.

Girl Explodes, Reasons Unknown

Life is funny sometimes, huh? Seems like everything is speeding along quite nicely and then, oh whoops! Bump! How did that get there? Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard to move on. Should I wallow a little? Should I let myself feel something now and then?

Or should I just keep trying to shove it all away, and be happy?

My dad says I'll explode one day from holding everything inside. That would be an interesting headline in the newspaper...

p.s. I love coming home and being with family :)

Thanks Life, I Owe You One.

Thanks to all the papers I have to write.

Thanks to all the tests I have to take.

Thanks to the cold weather.

Thanks to my heavy head.

Thanks to my aching eyes.

Thanks to my messy hair.

Thanks to my broken heart.

But really...

Thank you all my friends who love me.

Thank you my to my family's hugs.

Thank you for a place to live.

Thank you for a promising summer.

Thank you for good books.

Thank you for entertaining movies.

Thank you for cute clothes.

Thank you for life.

Now could some please hit the f a s t f o r w a r d button until I feel better? Ok.

THANKS.