letter to the editor

this is me at work. i took the liberty of making a collage for your viewing pleasure. so there you have it. enjoy!

I'm not taking it back.

Oh, no. 

I meant every word I said.

But words in the heat of the moment aren't the only ones I have.

And the harder ones to say, the ones of love, they're still here.

Scarier to write or say.

Scarier because they're more real.

But I'll say them. Why not? 

I ran everyone through with a spear of words, so I might as well put a band aid on it.

You made me laugh. I loved the way we could sit and talk for hours, and it never got old. I loved the cute way you asked to hold my hand, and when you taught me how to play Halo. I have to admit when I think of you, I do focus on the bad times. Because it makes me so sad to remember the good. The sincerity in your eyes when you asked me not to go away to school. To stay with you forever. Laying in your driveway... didn't you know that's why I loved that day so much? I loved the way you saved me. You were exactly what I needed. I was broken and you fixed me. You taught me not to settle. I loved what a good person you were. Good to the core. Always there to help, always there to take care of me. I loved that you caught me off guard, loved the way you made me nervous. I love the way we talked, unafraid to say anything to each other. I could be myself around you. I loved the way you said sweet things to me. And all the plans we made. How things seemed to fall into place so perfectly. I loved how funny you were. How you made me remember what it was like to have a crush on someone. And you. I loved not knowing what was going to happen next. I loved flirting with you, joking with you, laughing with you. And I loved feeling safe around you, trusting you.

You all taught me a little something.

And I love you for it.

p.s. christmas music is playing in my head... bad? good? i don't care. it makes me happy.

anonymous

Hey you. Yes, you. Gave me my first kiss and then got back together with your ex-girlfriend a week later. I hated that. That sucked. Really, pretty heartless, you know? And I heard you didn't treat her that well either. Well, whatever. Forget you. And oh yeah, can't forget you. You forgot me. All the time. Bottom of the priority list... all the time. I've never cried so much in my whole life compared to that time with you. And so what? You, who appeared to have everything, but couldn't see it right in front of you. Pushed me aside because everything else in the world was more important. And how about you? Getting mad at me because I couldn't decide what I wanted. Forcing me to decide I didn't want you. And maybe it's so annoying to me that you worked so hard to get me to like you that when I finally did, it wasn't enough for you. I was too nice to you. Whatever. And how was I supposed to know that you were treating every girl exactly the same as me? I was stupid to think that I was somehow more special in your eyes. Oh well. The whole time I thought that you were the one for me, but when I gave you the option of sticking around, you ran away as quick as possible. Well thanks. Thanks for making it really easy for me to forget about you. And as far as you go, I liked you. Don't sit there and make it sound like I had it wrong the whole time, like I was dumb for believing you liked me too. I deserve a lot more respect than for you to act like nothing happened between us. But if that's how you want it, fine.

I'm done.

(but really though, I'm not done... eh eh eh eh let's go!!... name the song.)

p.s. you know those times when you know exactly what you're going to say, but when you get to the situation, your words disappear? this is an ode to that feeling. get it all out there.

#4. the boy who proved me wrong

you may recall this scene in the movie Hitch. If not, go watch the movie. This picture is simply to illustrate a "doorstep scene". via

How did this happen? This boy that I had previously been SO annoyed with, suddenly here with me, making me laugh... Also making me go country dancing, which was something that I swore every year up here that I wouldn't do. Nothing is fun to me about swirling and twirling around the dance floor to "Honky Tonk Be Donk a Donk" or whatever in the heck that song is. But there I was tonight, enjoying myself. Doing awkward under the arm dance moves, and enjoying being with this kid.

We got out of his little red Eclipse, and made our way slowly across the deep snow of the parking lot. They never plowed our street. When we got to the little pathway up to my front door, he grabbed my hands suddenly and said, "lean backwards."

Well, I knew exactly what he was up to. He was going to drop me in the snow! At first I resisted, but finally I decided it didn't matter, and leaned back as far as I could. And... what do you know, he didn't drop me! So I stood back up and told him I wanted to do the same thing to him. So I grabbed his hands, and he leaned backwards. But, let's face it, I'm not exactly the strongest person in the world, and he fell into the snow, yanking me down with him. We laughed about this for a while, and I thought, is it going to happen? But soon enough, we both stood up and walked up to my front door.

We stood there hugging for a while. A long long while. And we kept saying good-bye. We kept saying goodnight, see you later, I had a lot of fun tonight... but we kept holding on anyway. I thought he wouldn't let go of me, but thinking back on it, maybe I just didn't want him to. (He would later say it was all my fault.)

Talking and talking and talking... it just kept going on, until finally...
I was teasing him, "Your Australian accent was totally fake!"
"No," he said, "I went on my mission there! It's normal to pick up the accent, I wasn't making it up!"
"You were faking," I said, "that's why I was always so annoyed with you!"
"Annoyed with me!" he cried, "it was real!"
I just laughed, because I never thought this would happen.
And then, without even thinking about it, we kissed. Oh yes, we kissed.
As the snow felt softly, with his car still running in the background, and the Asians driving back and forth on the road, we kissed.

p.s. it's been fun reminiscing with you guys... but i think the kissing posts will end here :)

#3. the tall boy who had it all

this is a picture of a lilac bush. you'll find out why later. via

He pulled up to my house in his car, and I was disappointed to see that my sister had all her friends over. Not because I wanted the house to myself, or anything, but more because that just meant the house would be loud and crowded. So he wouldn't want to stay inside. Or would he? I guess I didn't really know him all that well. I honestly was just happy we had gone out together. Our conversation from a couple weeks ago played in my head, "I don't want to get into a relationship right now... a lot of things are happening in my life, and I know that if we continue to hang out..." blah blah blah. Guess he couldn't resist me, huh?

He noticed all the people as well, so we just took a walk around my yard. Talking about nothing. Talking about a lot of things. The night was perfect. The summer air was still warm, and the moon and stars gave my backyard a calm glow. We walked through the grass the full length of my backyard until we got to the garden by the lilac bush. Then he stopped. I stepped up onto the small garden wall, because talking to him would be a lot easier if I didn't have to tilt my head all the way back to see him. 6' 5" is almost too tall...

He said, "Do you smell that? What is that amazing smell?"

"Oh, it's my mom's lilac bush,"I answered, nodding at the bush next to us.

"Really? It's that bush?" He stepped closer to me.

My voice got a little caught in my throat when he put his hands on my waist, but I choked out an intelligent sounding, "Yes."

"What do you do to make it smell so good?" he asked.

Caught off guard by the weird question, and also the fact that he had started kissing my cheek, I could only say, "ummm... a lot of stuff..."

"Like what?" kissing my other cheek.

"Uhh... sugar." I said, completely losing my mind. Sugar? You don't add sugar to bushes Madeline. But I couldn't stop myself.

"What else?" he asked, continuing on with the kissing or various parts of my face.

"umm... honey!" I said desperately. I honestly felt as though my brain had stopped working. 

"What else?" (and on with the face kissing...)

Trying ridiculously hard to think of something else to say, and failing, I gasped out, "I don't know! It's a... uhh... SECRET!"

And then he kissed me for real.

(and this time, I didn't think it was weird. :) )

p.s. you guys. i got a JOB. a good job. an "i'm so extremely happy that this happened!" job.

#2. the boy with the blue eyes and sweet smile

this is basically where this story takes place. ha ha. just kidding. but it was pretty anyway. picture via

Sitting at work, pretending to be busy, even though I really and honestly had nothing to do. IM'ing the cute boy sitting one computer over from me. Funny, how things work like that. You know, we barely even knew each other when I told him I would go camping with him and his friends a few weeks ago. Who knew that it would turn into something more?

Him: I have a question...
Me: Yeah?
Him: Do you want to go on a hike tonight?

I start to panic a little... my mom always told me that if boys wanted to go on walks or hikes, it usually meant they wanted to kiss you. What should I do? Is that what I wanted? I thought about it for a good five minutes... didn't want him to think I wasn't going to answer.

Me: Yeah, that would be fun!
Him: Cool. I'll pick you up around 6:30.

6:30 came around eventually... me, sitting at my kitchen table, barely able to choke down dinner because of the butterflies in my stomach. He came, we got in the car and drove off toward the mountain.

Up we walked, the ground was steep, and I felt like I was about to slide all the way down almost the whole way up. He was sweet though, and made sure I didn't fall. Finally we got to the spot he had chosen, set out a blanket, and sat down to watch the sunset.

He admitted later that he timed it perfectly. He looked up what time the sun would go down, and had already made the hike earlier to check how long it would take.

And so, there we sat. Him on one side of the blanket, me on the other. Watching the sun set quietly over the salt lake valley. And after a while, he mustered the courage to say what he wanted to say. He told me a lot of things. Things about how he liked me, and why he liked me. Told me I was pretty, and funny, and smart, and kind... and I couldn't help but feel good about that.

And then he asked me if I had ever dated anyone before. I told him about my brief try at anything close to a relationship the past spring, and then asked him the same question. He said no. He hadn't dated anyone, hadn't kissed anyone, hadn't held hands with anyone until me a few weeks ago. I felt almost sorry about it as I admitted I had kissed someone before. Almost.

He asked if he could kiss me.

I always thought that would annoy me. If a boy asked. But I looked at him, and the setting sun sparkling in his blue eyes, and I thought... why not?


So we kissed. And I laughed. Because it was still weird.
And then he asked me to be his girlfriend.

p.s. i have my first test all school year today. bleh.

#1. the boy with the curly hair and the backwards hat

All right everybody, here we go...

I've decided that this week,

EACH DAY I will write another first kiss story.

Why get them all out of the way on the first day? That's boring.

So here, you have chosen... let's take a step back in time.

via

Sitting on my bed, desperately sketching one last building, and I feel as though my hand is about to fall off, and my brain about to collapse. Why, oh why, do I leave my homework to the last minute? Sketchbooks aren't even hard... until you leave 15 sketches till the day before their due. And look at these. I will not get accepted into the Interior Design program with this kind of artwork. But honestly, it's too late now. I lean back on my pillow, and close my eyes, dying to just fall asleep and not wake up for a long time. 

My phone vibrates across the room. I left it over there so it wouldn't be a distraction from my homework. A feeling of nervousness and excitement washes over me. PLEASE be him... I haven't heard from him all day! I pick up the phone, turn it over, and go to my text messages.

Him: Hey Madeline, how was your day?

Me: Good! I just got done with a mountain of homework. Seriously haven't left my room since 3 this afternoon.

Him: Same! I was just wondering, would you like to go out tomorrow?

Me: Sure! What are we doing?

Him: It's a surprise :)

And suddenly, with those last words, I knew exactly what was coming. Hadn't we talked about it? Me, never been kissed. This was definitely it.

So, with much anxiety, I got ready for bed, and fell asleep.

The next day, after talking my best friend into going shopping with me for a new shirt, showering, getting ready, and eating some tater tots, I was sitting in the kitchen waiting for the boy. My roommates were laughing, and watching a movie on tv while I sat quietly waiting for my date. 

He came. He told me I looked pretty. We left.

We went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. And afterwards, he took me to a movie that I had been dying to see for quite a while. A chick flick, I guess you could say, but afterwards he admitted to me that he even liked it.

On the way home, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Butterflies jumping around inside of me, I said sure. Our walk consisted of walking across a parking lot, over some grass, and onto a dock in the middle of what we here in Logan call "first dam". We stood on that dock for, oh, I don't know how long. His arms wrapped around me, the first warm night Logan had seen in a long long time. And we stared at the stars and the water and the geese for a while, just talking. Talking was what we were good at. Talking to each other, laughing, joking, being happy. And I knew, I knew he wasn't going to leave that dock until he did what we came for. Boys are funny like that.

But he was so tall, I'd have to look straight up at him, and I wasn't sure I was quite ready. But after a few hours of talking and talking... I decided it was time. So I looked up.

"You look really pretty tonight," he said, "I bet you didn't even have to try."

"Oh, uh... thanks," I mumbled, "I tried really hard actually..." 

And then, he kissed me. 

It was the WEIRDEST thing. That's all I could think. This is so weird! And then I thought, this is my first kiss. I should be enjoying this. And then it was over.

And I laughed. Short little giggles, and hid my face in his jacket.

And then we chased the geese around on our way back to his car. 

p.s. did anyone watch general conference this weekend? so amazing.

like you always do

My Thoughts Right Now

EFY is really pretty cool.

I kind of love being an EFY counselor.

Sometimes I find it weird that I'm a real person.

I hope nobody comes into work today so I can continue doing nothing.

Please please please little EFY children... stay on the right path.

I'm loving the counselors that I work with.

Late night phone calls.

Dancing with people you have a crush on.

How fun next week is going to be with my sisters. All of us together at EFY... get ready for awesome.

Hair colors.

Farmer's tans.and the fact that i have one now.

Toms. and the fact that i also have a tan line from them.

EFY EFY EFY.

The fact that I had an awesome blog post for you all to be pondering this week but Blogger deleted it and I'll post it tomorrow.

K bye.

p.s. sometimes I am so ridiculously... OBVIOUS.

you hold my heart

We're sitting on the couch as usual, me with a pillow on my lap, looking up at you underneath my dark bangs which have gotten far too long. Curly hair, and a small smile, lots of laughter. My roommates always have to text me to tell us to be quiet. It's hard to remember it's late at night, when it feels like we could talk for hours. And we do. Quite often. A pause in the conversation, I'm watching my hand on the pillow, rubbing the fabric together like I've done since I was a baby. You ask me, "Is this ok?" and you put your hand on the pillow, next to mine. I don't understand, so I ask what you mean. And you grab my hand. Right there, on the pillow, you take it in yours. The butterflies are instant, and overwhelming, so I sit still, pondering our hands together. You tell me I didn't answer your question, and I play coy, asking you, "what question?". You roll your eyes and sigh like you always do, raise our hands up in the air and demand, "is THIS ok?"And I smile, because yes, it is very ok.

It has been a long day. All of us sit around the campfire, conversation erupts from each person in the version of stories, mostly funny, even if they are supposed to be scary. I'm pretty chilly, curled up in my camp chair next to yours, trying to keep myself warm. The fire is mesmerizing, but so are the stars. I've always had a thing for stars, and they're the best when you see them from the mountains. In the middle of someone's story, I look at you. With determination in your eyes, your hand suddenly ends up on my arm rest, fingers slightly curled as if beckoning me. I hesitate for a moment, unsure of what you want me to do exactly, and wondering if maybe I should pretend I didn't see this brave action. But then I tell myself not to worry, and I place my hand in yours. Our freezing cold hands in the open air for all the world to see. And I feel that excited, pit of your stomach, something new is happening feeling all over again.

We're walking down a slightly muddy path, and I'm thinking I probably shouldn't be wearing these shoes. But I'm happy to be walking next to you. Because frankly, I didn't think this was going to happen after the debacle of awkwardness a couple days ago. But we're chatting and gliding down the trail like the word awkward doesn't exist. Each sign we come to, we switch off reading, and we have to use a different accent. I think it's funny, so all of my accents sound the same, because I can't take it seriously. You're accents are magnificent and dramatic. Each story comes to life. Sometimes you put your arms around me from behind while I'm reading. But once, as I was contemplating jumping over a particularly muddy area, you grabbed my hand and helped me over. And then you left your hand in mine for a while, and I realized I didn't want you to let go.

I didn't think this would ever happen, to tell you the truth. Me, sitting on the couch next to you and feeling happy to be there. I couldn't believe it, that you would make me laugh so much, or that I would find you interesting enough to want this. And we're sitting there, with all your friends, about to watch a movie. It's that time where you aren't sure how close you should sit by each other, or where your limbs should go, or if you should even make eye contact. But you're pinching the back of my arm, teasing me with a "Kuki-do" move that we learned that night. And I'm twisting and turning, trying to get away, when suddenly, I'm closer than ever before, and your hand fits quite nicely into mine. It's surprising, but... very ok.

p.s. funny, how things happen.

use your intuition, it's all you got

Yesterday was my last day of having nothing, and I mean NOTHING to do. Thankfully. I went to work at good ole Jimmy John's, made sandwiches all night, and then bought myself one. With EXTRA tomatoes. You know why? Because I love tomatoes. I got it from my mom... don't give me that look. If you don't like them, I'm not judging you! 

Then, I attempted to study math with a sweet kid who said he could help me. Yes folks, I have to take the math placement exam again. And after last night, I've just got a bad feeling about it. Pray for me.

Finally, I drove home in the pouring rain, and ran into my apartment where my roommates were camped out in the living room in preparation to watch the Royal Wedding. So of course, I joined them. Because what is better than waking up at 4 a.m. to watch the most boring procession in the world?? That's right! Nothing!!! (ok, and did anyone else who was watching it think to themselves, when are those children going to stop singing??? Maybe that's rude... it was 4 in the morning.)

Ahh... I love making good memories.

p.s. i am indeed headed to my last classes of the semester. hooray!

there's no post on sunday?

Songs that are frequently stuck in my head:

"doo doo doo doo doo doo doooo doo dooo doo doo doo doo dooooooo" (a.k.a. Hedwig's Theme from Harry Potter)

"Baby baby baby OH! like, baby baby baby NO! I'm like baby baby baby OH! Thought you'd always be mine..." - Justin Bieber

"Friends for dinner! We're gonna have friends for dinner!" 

- Land Before Time (don't know which one)

Guess which one is in there right now?

p.s. i hate painting my nails.

tell me, that we belong together

I am going to do something I never do... and copy someone else. My friend Stacia has this incredibly interesting, funny, and wonderful blog that I get insanely excited about reading. And today she wrote this post which correlates directly with this post. And I felt inspired to do the same thing. Thanks, Stacia.

We were sitting at your house, talking about life. You were explaining to me all of the things that you needed to do, and I was nodding along calmly. I laughed at something you said, and you started talking to me about the color code personalities. Red, Blue, Yellow, White. I'm a yellow/white, you told me. Then you said I would end up with a blue personality. You're a yellow/red. That's when I knew you were not the one.

When the only movies you would watch with me had to be dumb comedies, or boring action flicks, and they had to be made within the past year, I knew you were not the one.

When you took me on a date and we talked for a really long time, and I was thinking that you were a lot greater than I remembered you... I thought maybe we could have a good story. Then you called me by the wrong name. I knew you weren't the one.

When you got back together with your ex-girlfriend after I didn't kiss you on that mountain, I knew you weren't the one.

I thought you were really cool, but when we hung out I would always start sweating with awkwardness. It wasn't me who was being awkward. I knew you weren't the one.

I knew you weren't the one when I realized that if we were ever together, I would be the boy and you would be the girl based on the level of drama you cause and my total lack of caring.

And these are just some of the memories... but I got bored writing about them. As a disclaimer, all of these guys were amazing people. They just weren't the one.

p.s. last day with my first graders. kind of bittersweet.

one time one world baby find me somebody to love

...and then I saw his face!

Now I'm a belieber!

Not a trace

of doubt in my mind.

I'm in love!

ooohhh ooohhh

I'm a belieber

I couldn't meet him

if I tried...

Now I'm a belieber

yeah yeah yeah 

yeah yeah yeah 

I'm a belieber.

p.s. don't look at me like that. go see the movie.

On a Scale from 1 to Brad and Hugh...

ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO BRAD AND HUGH...

Robert Downey Jr. is at the top.

I love Iron Man.

Don't believe me? I'll prove it to you.

I saw Iron Man the summer after my senior year of high school with my good friend Sarah Hafen. I loved it so much, I saw it 4 times in one week.

I look really weird in this picture... but it proves my love.

I have been anticipating Iron Man 2 since the last one came out on DVD.

How perfect that it would come out at midnight the day I finish my finals... yes. I attended Iron Man 2 at midnight. Sarah and I went together, and we even wore t-shirts.

It was so great to see Sarah again, and we weren't disappointed... hence Robert Downey Jr. being promoted on our scale :)

What a perfect way to begin my summer!